A problem occurs for many people in that they do not know what they need and want. Wants are desires or preferences for things or experiences that enhance quality of life but are not essential for survival, while needs are necessities required for basic survival and well-being. Wants are optional and based on personal preferences, whereas needs are fundamental and universal requirements for sustaining life.
The following is a list of needs. Human needs can be categorized in various ways, and different models exist to describe them. One comprehensive framework often used is Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, proposed by psychologist Abraham Maslow in 1943. According to Maslow, human needs are organized into a hierarchy, with lower-level needs needing to be satisfied before higher-level needs become motivating factors. I disagree with his conceptualization somewhat because I have seen plenty of people including myself without lower order needs pursue higher order needs. Often, the pursuit of higher order needs enables the person to fill in the gap on lower order needs. I still appreciate his categories, however. Read through this "menu" of needs and identify which ones resonate with you the most. What do you have? What do you need more of? The hierarchy consists of five main categories: Physiological Needs: These are the most basic needs necessary for survival:
Safety Needs: Then individuals seek safety and security:
Love and Belongingness Needs: Then individuals seek love, affection, and belonging:
Esteem Needs: Then individuals seek self-esteem and the esteem of others:
Self-Actualization Needs: Finally, individuals seek self-actualization, the realization of one's potential and personal growth, including:
Beyond Maslow's Hierarchy, other frameworks and theories also identify additional human needs, including:
These needs may vary across individuals, cultures, and contexts, and they can evolve over time as circumstances change. Meeting these needs supports individuals in thriving and leading fulfilling lives.
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CONTENT WARNING: mention of violence here and there.
Misdeeds often have some amount of someone trying to "get away with it." Much of my life has been around groups of people diverse in many ways. Since I am trying to make sense of things, I seek out people who have vastly different experiences. You can't get at "truth" going around the same types of people. I seldom thought too much about “evil” or the spectrum of misdeeds because I tend to see the good in people no matter what “crimes'' they commit. As much as I'd like to believe in free will, there are times when one does not have the power to choose how one acts, especially when traumatized. My time volunteering with homeless populations and my therapy career brought a broad spectrum of clients and people served. I spent a great deal of time with people who have gone through the worst abuse and who have a lifetime of criminal convictions, often the same people. I have worked with people institutionalized for life due to schizophrenia. I've listened to the stories of cops, soldiers, and jail wardens. I've known high-status, high-paid professionals who were also deep into drugs. I've heard the meandering, excruciating, and exciting lives of high-end prostitutes who plan for the future with retirement accounts. I've known professional fighters, hunters, and business people. I've heard how they "got this close" to killing someone outside a restaurant, at a pigeon shoot, in a conference room. Their hands were around their throats, their gun pointed at their chest, their fists pummeling their body. "At the time," they say, "I felt like I was in the right." I've sat with the stories of victims of torture, genocide, and cults. Their captors always feel that they are in the right. They believe they "deserve to get away with it" because someone wronged them, and this person, these people, or the world should pay--because they are owed. I've spent so much time with "good" people, too. People who think that they "toe the line" and who look down on everyone else who has broken the rules. The good people are just as addicted to "getting away with it" as any criminal. I once was told by a diagnosed sociopath, "You good people always think you're so right." I think I get what he means now. Good people trick themselves into thinking that bad behavior is "out there" with the criminals and neglect to see their own addictions and misgivings. I know about "getting away with it" because I do it too. What does it mean to "get away with it?" "Getting away with it" means breaking rules or societal norms and not getting caught. In some groups, this can get wildly out of hand. I won't get specific to protect the sensitivity of my readers. When I began to encounter the victims of these groups was the first time I felt challenged in my perspective that people do not choose evil despite doing heinous things. These groups engage in cruelty combined with lavish luxury and creative genius. I could not fathom why someone or, unfortunately, large groups of people would bother to put so much effort and resources into such horrible behavior. For years, I worked to make this make sense. Now I understand that the root of the issue is the addiction to "getting away with it." "Getting away with it" can be addicting due to a combination of factors rooted in psychology and behavior. First, there's the thrill of breaking rules or societal norms, which can activate the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine and creating a sense of excitement or euphoria. This rush of positive emotion reinforces the behavior, making it more likely to be repeated in the future. Then, the feeling of outsmarting authority figures or societal expectations can boost one's sense of power and control, further fueling the desire to engage in the behavior again. Over time, this cycle can become a positive feedback loop, causing individuals to seek out increasingly risky or taboo activities in pursuit of that same rush of adrenaline and satisfaction. Ultimately, the addiction to "getting away with it" is an addiction to power. Like any addiction, such behaviors have negative consequences, both personally and socially, and ultimately lead to destructive outcomes, especially if left unchecked. All addictions have some element of an addiction to power and stem from the person feeling powerless on some level. Instead of addressing the underlying feeling of powerlessness, the person chooses to alleviate the pain and anxiety caused by powerlessness by doing something that represents power to themselves. Here are some examples of how people indirectly manage feelings of powerlessness:
When we engage in frequent "getting away with it," we have a secret life. That secret life is both exciting and stressful. It's exciting for the neurochemical reasons named above. We get to pretend like the rules don't apply to us. That life is stressful because, if caught, we would get into big trouble, feel shame, and have to deal with any consequences of our actions. To make matters worse, we probably didn't develop another way to deal with the pervasive feelings of powerlessness that we used the addiction to cope with in the first place. Learning to Take Responsibility and Delay Gratification "Getting away with it" is one of the earliest addictions we have access to if our caregivers worked to keep other addictive substances (excessive food, screentime, alcohol, etc.) away from us. All kids at some time experience the thrill of "getting away with it." Some kids have temperaments that want to do that all the time. Others are frightened by the prospect of getting in trouble and work hard to follow the rules out of fear. Learning to enjoy the balance of responsibility and rest comes with maturity, wisdom, and age. It does not make sense to the mind of a child that hard work, accountability, healthy enjoyment, and self-care create a genuinely fulfilling life because children operate so strongly on the pain/pleasure paradigm and experience the least amount of personal power. Whatever pain a child experiences is usually the worst pain of their life because they (hopefully) have had few experiences of pain. They want immediate relief and pleasure. It feels excruciating to put off the relief of pain or the experience of pleasure because they cannot understand why that would be in their best interest. If adults never assist children in learning to delay gratification, addiction is likely in their future. The positive feedback loop described in the above section can occur, causing the child to grow into an adult with increasingly intense and taboo appetites. A theme of addiction is instant gratification. Anything that provides instant gratification can lead to addictive behaviors. The opposite of instant gratification is delayed gratification, which involves forgoing immediate rewards in favor of greater rewards in the future. An example of this is taking the time to feel the pain of powerlessness that came from the past and noticing ways that one has power now instead of erasing the feeling of powerlessness with quick substitutes and "getting away with it." Addict Make Addicts Abuse and unfair or harsh child-rearing come from adults who experienced the same. Rarely does an adult who grew up in a household and community that struck the balance between nurturance and fair discipline go on to treat children with abuse and harshness. Abuse and harsh discipline occur when adults are unable to delay gratification and tolerate their own feelings of powerlessness. They erase their difficult feelings by lashing out, dominating, or manipulating the child. Sometimes, we must react quickly in dangerous situations to bring a child to safety. Abuse and harshness are different in that no danger is present that warrants a quick and firm reaction, or the adult overreacts regardless of the situation and thereby unnecessarily transfers pain to the child. Children primarily learn through modeling. Therefore, when adults treat children like this, they model instant gratification instead of thoughtfulness, care, wisdom, and maturity. Closing Thoughts The concept of "getting away with it" permeates various aspects of human behavior and is deeply intertwined with issues of power, responsibility, and addiction. Whether it's through illicit actions or subtle manipulations, the pursuit of immediate gratification at the expense of long-term consequences can lead individuals down a path of self-destructive behaviors. This addiction to power often stems from unresolved feelings of powerlessness and a lack of healthy coping mechanisms. Recognizing and addressing this cycle of instant gratification is crucial for personal growth and societal well-being. It requires learning to navigate the complexities of responsibility and delayed gratification, acknowledging the root causes of addiction, and breaking the cycle of harm perpetuated by past traumas. By fostering an environment that promotes accountability, empathy, and resilience, we can work towards a future where individuals are empowered to confront their challenges with integrity and compassion, thereby breaking the cycle of addiction. Regret is a feeling of sadness, disappointment, or remorse over something that has happened or that you did or didn't do. It often arises when we perceive that our actions or decisions have led to negative consequences or missed opportunities. Regret can vary in intensity, ranging from mild unease to profound remorse. It's a natural human emotion that can serve as a valuable learning experience, prompting us to reflect on our choices and motivating us to make better decisions in the future. However, dwelling excessively on regret is detrimental, leading to feelings of guilt, self-blame, and stagnation.
"Amor fati" is a Latin phrase that translates to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate" in English. The concept is attributed to the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who believed in embracing and accepting one's fate or destiny, regardless of its perceived positive or negative aspects. In "Why I Am So Clever" (Ecce Homo, section 10), he writes: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity." Rather than resenting or resisting the circumstances of life, Nietzsche proposed that individuals should cultivate a deep acceptance and appreciation for everything that happens, viewing each event as an essential part of the unfolding of one's existence. Amor fati encourages us to not only accept what happens but to actively love and affirm it, recognizing that every experience contributes to personal growth and resilience development. In essence, amor fati advocates for living life with an attitude of gratitude, finding beauty and meaning even in the face of adversity or hardship. It's about finding empowerment and liberation in embracing one's fate rather than feeling bound by it. The avoidance of regret is not, in fact, amor fati. Even the feeling of regret is fated. Avoiding feelings is rarely practical. Instead, truly facing reality means allowing the feeling of regret like we would with any element of fate without clinging to or enlarging it. Denying any feeling or event inside oneself is like trying to deny a mountain or the rain. Like a miner, we can shape our inner landscapes over time, but we cannot move away. You can build a quarry on your mountain or dredge out ship channel, but you cannot come down the mountain or escape the coast for higher ground if that is where you were planted. If you are more of a "rainy" person, or dry in nature, or like a small volcanic island, or flat and windy like the plains, you have different options depending on the landscape you were born with, but you cannot move away entirely. People who are really intense have to learn to guide the intensity. People who are laid back have to put themselves in environments that resonate. Movers gotta move, thinkers gotta think, feelers gotta feel, and so on. Thanks to becoming a parent, I've had the opportunity to be around more babies than ever. Babies have basic temperaments. A somewhat recent study has shown that much of a person's temperament stays the same over the lifespan, as well as having parts that can change. (Damian, R. I., Spengler, M., Sutu, A., & Roberts, B. (2018, August 16). Sixteen Going on Sixty-Six: A Longitudinal Study of Personality Stability and Change across 50 Years. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000210) You come into this world with a huge piece of your fate baked into your basic temperament. This is where self-knowledge is so important. Understanding your basic nature and how events in your life mold your original substrate opens the door for more intentional living and truly loving yourself. Love is a verb. We have a relationship with ourselves as much as we relate to others. To love yourself is to work to know yourself with care and compassion and then respond to your needs like someone you love. Some modes of being promote a beneficial experience for one person that doesn't work for another. The reason that the same circumstances work for one person and not another has to do with the nature of your original self. That original self is GIFTED to you. You did not select it on purpose. Get to know the original you and avoid comparing that to what seems popular or preferred. The mainstream, for example, loves certain temperaments. Those people will always be in the limelight. Avoid the temptation to think that the "limelight" is the place to be. I witness people bypass creating a life that works for them at times because they believe they will only feel love and connection if they are popular, extremely wealthy, “beautiful,”, or some other criteria without reflecting on whether those criteria actually work for them. There are infinite permutations of "the good life" on society's side roads, hamlets, and nooks and crannies. It is so important to explore your needs, wants, and values so that you can aim for what really suits you. Love your fate but also direct it. Know yourself so that you are aiming properly. Knowing what you are aiming for enables you to both accept and sculpt the landscape you've been given in an intentional way. As you grow, change, and stay the same, you will also feel difficult feelings. Sometimes they send you in a new direction, sometimes they signal change, sometimes they are just an energetic soundtrack of songs to be listened to and shared with others. I don’t believe in laziness. If someone (or you even) is behaving “lazily” and it is not in their best interest, it's better to get curious rather than passing judgment. Passing judgment can be described as “lazy.” *Kidding* But seriously…
Decreased Activity As a Defense What is often labeled as laziness may actually be a manifestation of various underlying factors such as unhelpful beliefs that come from developmental wounding, overwhelm, fear, dysregulation, and chronic freeze states. When we judge someone as lazy, we are shortcutting our own anxiety and frustration about the individual's situation. Time and again, I have worked with someone who calls themselves “lazy” just to find that they live with an entrenched dissociation pattern barricaded by a multilayered defense system that was once constructed for many good reasons. Beliefs and unspoken mandates regarding productivity and success are fertile grounds for wayward family and cultural dynamics that inspire such defensiveness. How convenient for unhealthy relational systems that the term "lazy" carries a negative connotation and implies a moral failing or character flaw. The “lazy” person then holds the harm and stigma, occupying the role of the scapegoat upon which others can project aspects of themselves of which they are fearful. Rather than working to understand the legitimate wound behind the “laziness,” the “lazy” person is judged, typecast, and at times discarded. That is not to say that someone’s avoidance and inactivity won’t become a problem. I believe that avoidance and inactivity is less likely to become entrenched if the person is met with curiosity rather than judgment and enabling as soon as the pattern emerges. An Adaptation to Systemic Oppression At the societal level, human behavior is highly influenced by environmental, social, and psychological factors. What may appear as laziness to an outsider could be a result of systemic issues such as poverty, lack of access to resources, the addictive nature of screens and highly palatable foods, or societal expectations from certain cultures. Rest and Inactivity is Healthy and Normal Furthermore, the idea of laziness often overlooks the importance of self-care, rest, and prioritizing mental and physical well-being. Taking breaks, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion are essential aspects of maintaining overall health and productivity. People who are fearful of rest might label healthy pausing and self-advocacy activities as lazy so they do not have to address the anxiety they feel when attempting to adopt those actions for themselves. Periods of inactivity are essential in certain contexts, even for people with healthy belief systems. While “laziness” is often associated with avoiding work or exerting effort, it may just be a sign that someone needs a break from the exertion or needs to engage in mental indexing. Mental indexing is the cognitive process of organizing and categorizing information in the mind for efficient retrieval and use. We need periods of lower sensory input for our brains to do this important job Taking breaks and allowing oneself to be "lazy" at times can be essential for mental and emotional well-being. Overworking or constantly pushing oneself without adequate rest can lead to burnout, stress, and decreased productivity. By listening to signals of fatigue or boredom and taking breaks as needed, individuals can maintain a healthier work-life balance and sustain long-term productivity and satisfaction. Powering Down for Survival In evolutionary terms, conserving energy was crucial for survival, particularly in environments where resources were scarce or unpredictable. In such situations, individuals who were able to prioritize rest and conserve energy when necessary were more likely to survive and pass on their genes. This reflects what we now understand about dorsal vagal activation aka hypoarousal. When someone has tried many ways to solve problems over a long period of time and has been unsuccessful due to no fault of their own, the nervous system may respond first by becoming overly activated, and then by falling into underactivation moving the person into a sort of dormant state. You especially see this in people who had long term developmental wounding in childhood or people who endured a long term traumatic experience in some form of isolation. Powering down to conserve resources and “waiting it out” is highly adaptive in such a scenario. "Lazy" = Innovative In a different context, “laziness,” or rather the tendency to find the path of least resistance, can prompt individuals to find more efficient or innovative ways to accomplish tasks, leading to increased productivity in the long run. When faced with a repetitive or mundane task, the desire to avoid unnecessary effort may drive individuals to seek out shortcuts, automation, or creative solutions to streamline their workflow. Doing so is in everyone’s best interest as long as this does not negatively affect the final product. Get Curious Therefore, rather than dismissing yourself or others as lazy, it is more constructive to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to get curious about what may be contributing to their behavior, whether contributing factors are adaptive or maladaptive. By reframing our understanding of laziness and focusing on support, encouragement, and addressing root causes, we can create a more effective and compassionate approach to human behavior. The following was inspired by the Oral/Compensated-Oral dynamics described by Wilhelm Reich as well as the Dependent Endearing/Self-Reliant strategies described by Ron Kurtz. Perhaps you avoid relying on others or, contrarily, have pushed people away by seeking help in an off-putting manner that drains your helpers. Relying on others in a healthy way involves creating strong connections while maintaining personal boundaries and a certain amount of self-sufficiency. Healthy Interdependence People can become chronically self-reliant due to wounding from the past. Through hurt, neglect, and betrayal, they develop beliefs such as “other people cannot be trusted.” The chronically self-reliant tries to go it alone because they fear that people will judge them or leave anyway. Chronic Self-Reliance For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a transformative process promoting personal growth and a sense of well-being. While self-reliance is often valued and celebrated, excessive independence can lead to loneliness, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. Learning to rely on others brings the benefits of mutual support, deeper connections, and shared experiences. Learning to trust and depend on others provides a sense of belonging, strengthens interpersonal relationships, and creates emotional resilience. It also provides opportunities for learning and growth, as one is exposed to different perspectives and skills imparted by others. Embracing interdependence can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life, where the burdens and joys are shared. For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a gradual process. Here are some steps to help transition towards a healthier reliance on others: Acknowledge the Need for Support: Learn to recognize and accept that everyone needs support at times. Acknowledge your own vulnerabilities and understand that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. If you are not accustomed to identifying needs or the idea that receiving support is healthy feels foreign, you may want to consult with a therapist or a coach. Start Small: Begin by seeking support in small, manageable situations. This could involve asking a friend for advice, assistance with a task, or simply sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone who has proven their reliability to you in other ways. Notice how you feel when you receive support. It's ok if it does not feel good at first. If it does not feel good, reflect on the exchange logically. If the other person did, in fact, show up for you in an honest and kind way, then reflect emotionally. Ask your self, "what is it about receiving good support feels bad to me? Does this feel familiar? What do I believe about receiving support?" Identify Trusted Individuals: Identify trustworthy and reliable people in your life. These could be friends, family members, or colleagues who have demonstrated maturity, consistency, and understanding in the past. It can be harder to identify solid people in your life because the human brain is biologically set up to focus on the bad. Identifying the good takes some effort. Communicate Your Needs: Practice clear communication about your needs and expectations. Start by communicating with yourself through journaling about your needs, wants, and expectations. You could also work through this with a therapist. Clearly express what kind of support you're seeking, and be open about your feelings and concerns. Work your way towards sharing this information with others. Build Reciprocal Relationships: Nurture relationships based on mutual support. When your time, energy, and resources are available, enthusiastically reciprocate when others need help, thereby creating a balanced and supportive dynamic. Find ways you can delegate to others so that they may experience the joy of helping you with something. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Notice any negative beliefs you may have about relying on others. Interdependence is a natural part of human relationships and does not diminish your independence. Get curious about where those negative beliefs came from. Do not try to eliminate those beliefs but don't feed into them either. Know Your Boundaries and Make Requests: Know what you are and aren’t willing to do and tolerate. Your body is a great resource for discovering your boundaries. Clearly communicate your boundaries and ask for what you need from others. Dr. Becky Kennedy defines boundaries as "what I am going to do and you don't have to do anything." She defines requests as "what I would like you to do but I can tolerate a 'no.'" For example:
Celebrate Vulnerability: View the ability to be vulnerable as a strength rather than a weakness. Sharing your vulnerabilities responsibly with safe others can deepen connections and promote empathy. This does not mean telling all of your deepest darkest secrets. Stating boundaries and making requests that come from your authentic needs and wants with the right people is a powerful form of vulnerability. Discussing an insecurity without trying to get someone else to fix it is vulnerable. For example:
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this process. You learned to be self-reliant due to cultural modeling and developmental wounding. Learning to rely on others is a process, and it's okay to take small steps at your own pace. Notice how your pain shows up in your body each time you try something you have been avoiding. Reflect on Positive Experiences: It can be hard for the chronically self-reliant to acknowledge that good things have come from interdependence. Make an effort to reflect on positive experiences where relying on others had positive outcomes. Use these instances to reinforce the feeling that seeking support can lead to positive results. Remember, noticing the positive opposes the natural tendency of the human brain to seek out and confirm the negative. Breaking the habit of chronic self-reliance is a gradual process, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Celebrate your progress and be patient with yourself as you work towards interdependence. People who are chronically dependent were also wounded like the chronically self-reliant. They may fear abandonment believing they will be judged for having needs. In response, they create a hook by remaining dependent and appearing to need more from others than they actually do to keep others around because they do not believe that others will stay if they are their authentic, autonomous selves. Chronic Over-Dependence Learning independence can strengthen the relationships of the chronically dependent by encouraging healthier dynamics built on mutual respect, trust, and interdependence. As individuals develop a greater sense of self-reliance and autonomy, they become better equipped to contribute to their relationships in meaningful ways. By taking responsibility for their own well-being and pursuing personal growth, they develop their contribution to a give-and-take dynamic.
As they gain confidence in their abilities to handle life's challenges independently, they are more likely to engage in relationships from a place of strength rather than neediness or dependence. Instead of collapsing onto others they receive assistance. Instead of always looking outside of themselves, they find ways to provide input from their own skills and experience while receiving help from others at the appropriate times. This shift can lead to more authentic connections, increased emotional intimacy, and a stronger sense of partnership, as both parties are able to support each other's growth while maintaining their individual identities. Learning some independence enables the chronically dependent to build stronger, more sustainable relationships grounded in mutual empowerment and shared values. For those who feel like their reliance and dependency has overwhelmed others, here are some tips for balancing their relationship to autonomy and interdependence: Build Trust: Establish trust with the people you rely on. Building rapport along with open and honest communication is essential. Rapport is built through genuine interest in others and mentalizing them (concept coined by Peter Fonagy). Mentalizing is understanding and interpreting the thoughts, emotions, and intentions of oneself and others simultaneously. Be reliable yourself to build a foundation of trust in your relationships. Identify Boundaries and Make Clear Requests: Make clear requests regarding your needs when seeking help, and be specific about the support you're looking for. At the same time, identify and respect the boundaries of others. It's important to strike a balance between giving and receiving support without overwhelming or becoming overly dependent on someone. It is essential to be able to name your needs and wants because that is what boundaries are made of. See the same section above in the chronically self-reliant part for examples. Diversify Support Networks: Don't rely solely on one person for all your needs. Cultivate a diverse support network, including friends, family, and possibly professional support, so that you have different sources of assistance. This can be difficult if you have social anxiety but also a crucial skill to develop so as to avoid codependency. When there is a draw towards codependency there is often a wish that at least one other person will know you as well as you can know yourself. The reality is that only you can know yourself the most. When you take responsibility for knowing yourself as much as possible and being your greatest ally, having a large group of people who know parts of you will feel supportive and useful rather than overwhelming, irritating, and disappointing. Develop Self-Sufficiency: While relying on others is healthy, it's equally important to cultivate self-sufficiency. Strengthen your skills, independence, and resilience so that you can navigate challenges on your own when necessary. Ask for help but always have a plan-B. Never expect that others will be able to support you, even if they yearn to. It is wonderful when they can, but crucial to be willing and able to go it alone when necessary. Many things in life are outside of our control. We regain a sense of strength, control, and stability by identifying and taking responsibility for things that are in our control. Respect Others: Expecting individuals who appear stronger than you to rescue you simply because you perceive yourself as weaker can lead to alienation, as it overlooks the effort and struggles that contribute to their accumulated strength. This perception may leave them feeling disrespected, potentially leading to them reject your bids for help. Instead, get curious and ask if they will show you what steps they took to learn resilience. Then, go and try those steps for yourself. Act on their advice. People who worked hard to get where they are often love to help others achieve the same things. If you chronically ask for advice without following it, the sturdy other will eventually tire of your lack of follow though and stop trying to help you. Reciprocity: Learn how to reciprocate and support others when they need it. Healthy relationships involve a give-and-take dynamic. Supporting others provides a sense of empowerment and self-efficacy to you, the helper. Practice Gratitude: This one is so important! Acknowledge and appreciate the support you receive. Gratitude fosters positive feelings and strengthens your connections with others. The human brain is calibrated to notice and confirm the negative. Gratitude and a realistically optimistic outlook take practice because you are going against the grain of evolution. Seek Professional Help and Process Unresolved Trauma: For certain challenges, seeking professional assistance from therapists, counselors, or support groups can provide specialized help and guidance. Becoming more independent may feel extra scary if you are viewing the world through the lens of trauma. Regularly Check-In: Expect change and learn to be flexible. Regularly assess your support system and relationships as the flow of life brings change. Make adjustments as needed and communicate openly about any changes in your and others expectations or needs. Maintain Independence: While relying on others, remember the importance of maintaining your own identity and pursuing personal goals by avoiding enmeshment. Enmeshment involves overly altering your wants and needs to fit in with others, excessively relying on others to regulate your emotions, and a lack of a sense of self for whom you advocate. Healthy interdependence doesn't mean losing sight of your individuality. By becoming excellent at healthy communication, learning about your and others boundaries, and appreciating the value of both giving and receiving support, you can create positive and balanced relationships with others. Just like the chronically self-reliant, becoming more independent after relying on dependency takes time. Be patient with yourself as you face your fears and challenge yourself to do more things on your own. Healthy Interdependence is ideal because it emphasizes collaboration, leading to stronger relationships and greater resilience. By recognizing and leveraging our own and other's strengths and resources, interdependence allows individuals and communities to achieve goals more efficiently and effectively than they could independently or with one person overly taking responsivity for another. Interdependence encourages personal growth and evolution by enabling the exchange of perspectives and skills between people. It is through this mutual exchange between autonomous individuals that deep connection and trust is cultivated, allowing for lives characterized by better mental and physical health. I’ve had responsibility on my mind lately. It is not a popular topic but I wish it were. I believe it is only unpopular because it is misunderstood. The healthiest, happiest people take responsibility while also recognizing their interdependency needs. To take responsibility means to own the consequences of your decisions and actions that you make within the actual limits of your power. That means one must assess with accuracy how much power you have and within what zone of influence. The practice of responsibility requires intellectual rigor, facing fears and shame, learning to self regulate, and, often, the need to process trauma and developmental wounding. “Limbic friction” comes into play (Huberman, 2022, ep.53). Limbic friction is when emotional tension arises because there is a mismatch between one's internal emotional responses and external expectations or demands. For example, you are trying to accomplish a task and get bored. You push through the limbic friction of boredom and complete the task anyway. Here are some voices from the past on the matter: What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements. ― Anais Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934 Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility. ― Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so. ― Noam Chomsky A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury. ― John Stuart Mill, On Liberty Once you realize we all have the ultimate duty & responsibility to ourselves to be the best we can regardless of the situation that lies in front of us, that is when your sacrifice will no longer feel like a sacrifice. ― David Goggins, Feb 25, 2021 Taking responsibility is the path to acquiring all the qualities that any human wants in life: safety, security, belonging, agency, gratitude, joy, confidence, etc. When we pursue excessive material things, fame, superiority, rescuing, blame (different from holding people accountable), and so on, we are trying to make a shortcut to the things that we really want. If we stop playing the game of shortcuts, we get to work on actualizing that which we really desire.
Take responsibility for what is in your control.
Never take responsibility for anything that is not in your control:
Identify what is not in your control and let it go. Free yourself to focus on what is in your control. The price of making choices is responsibility. Responsibility is learned like any other skill. Once you get good at responsibility, you will enjoy it. Taking responsibility will feel good, right, safe, and secure once you get used to it. It's ok to feel emotional as you take responsibility, even VERY emotional. Your body is your ally when navigating responsibility. You can learn to work with your body to regulate your emotions. When you are out of alignment you will feel “sorry” as in a “sorry state.” You will feel disheveled and needing repair. When you are in alignment you will feel strong and settled. You will still feel the unknown, however. Taking responsibility does not end the unknown or elements in life that are out of your control. Taking responsibility does not prevent loss. It especially does not guarantee that everyone will like you. It will attract other responsible people and repel those who fear being responsible. You will feel lonely at times taking responsibility. Eventually, you will trust yourself so much that you will generally feel curious about the future but seldom fearful of it. Making mistakes will still be somewhat painful but will not feel final or like you can't recover. You will not wait around for others to take responsibility for their actions. You will see how they act and choose what you will do for yourself, assuming they will not change. Taking responsibility can be a long process but ultimately it leads to the creation of the life you want within the unavoidable existential limitations inherent in life. Clients often come into my practice wanting their trauma to be fixed yesterday. Fair enough, I went through this, too. I was in such a state of emergency that I was shocked when therapists I reached out to weren't as alarmed as I was and didn't rush to get me in to see them that very day for an intake and a miracle cure.
Once I had landed a therapist, part of me during sessions understood that I had to leave the office at the end of the hour, but part of me was confused and terrified that the therapist would make me “go back out there” to the real world in my “dangerously fragile state.” I could not see how capable I was because my pain-part totally consumed my awareness. The pain was so great that my “firefighter” (to borrow Internal Family Systems language) always felt like the “patient” was bleeding out and needed crisis-level care ALL THE TIME. I now understand that my firefighter is my amygdala and that it got trained to be overly activated through a variety of factors throughout my childhood and adolescence. I had a drama going on inside. The major players were the pain part on the one hand and, on the other, the part that feared the pain. The pain part really needed time and understanding. Time and understanding is what it was regularly deprived of when it needed it the most. The part that feared the pain is an internalized part that I had absorbed from the reactions of the adults around me growing up who rushed me through my feelings or denied them all together. MANY OF US LIVE IN A CULTURE THAT OVERLY FEARS EMOTIONS AND INSTINCTS. The result of responding to kids by rushing them through their feelings and calling the "bad kids" for doing kid stuff like testing boundaries results in people learning to believe that their emotions and instincts are essentially dangerous for existing at all. It is as though many adults believe that they must change their planned course of action if a child's emotional state is validated. However, as Dr Becky Kennedy says, it is the job of the child to feel and the job of the adult to validate feelings and maintain the boundary. For example, a child is disappointed and frustrated because they can’t have the cookie before dinner. An adult can name that the child feels frustrated and disappointed, and that anyone would feel that way, but also maintain that cookies are for after dinner. The child’s emotions can escalate and the adult will maintain the boundary without denying the feelings or making them wrong. Kids learn what to fear through modeling by the adults around them. I watch adults in my life now deny, dismiss, and urgently try to soothe pain in their and other children. That sends a message to children that their pain is bad and needs to be gotten rid of. Kids interpret this as “I’m bad and will be gotten rid of.” This is the core of shame, the emotion associated with being shunned or exiled. For anyone to be exiled is life-threatening, but especially for children. That means that shame is a life-threatening emotion for children. That means that their amygdala goes into overdrive when they feel too much shame. Children in this situation are not being abused, but the result of this unconscious behavior undermines the child’s sense of self, making it hard to feel confident. I so frequently have privileged clients ask me, “How can I feel so bad when I am so privileged? Especially when I wasn’t obviously abused in any way?” This is how—being the subject of chronic emotional fixing. The reality is that pain is a part of life and cannot be eliminated. Most children learn to abandon themselves when they feel pain because the adults around them abandoned the child and their pain over and over again, every day, all day, for years and decades. As adults, these children start the cycle over because it's all they know. They continue to abandon themselves and the children around them anytime an emotion other than happy contentment is present. Henry David Thoreau meant the quote “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” to be applied to rampant materialism. But what is it that drives materialism and addiction? I believe its the abandonment of inner pain along with the diamonds inside that rejected rough. We know ourselves not primarily by what we think but rather how we feel and choose to respond to those feelings. Choice requires the accumulation of skills. If all that has been modeled to me is abandonment when emotion arises, how can I choose something different? Sadly, the adult child of emotional abandonment must seek help to learn how to handle emotions in a flexible way. When our emotional pain is rejected and abandoned, our inner guidance system is scrambled. Emotional pain is the beginning of a learning and expanding process. When those processes are shut down, so is our vitality. I now understand that the pain I felt was at least partially tied to the emotional learning and growth I was denied as a child, not just by my parents but by all of the adults around me. There was NOWHERE to turn because all of those adults had been abandoned too. They were simply repeating the cycle to no fault of their own. My desire to learn and grow emotionally was pushing against my heart like a volcano wanting to explode. My fear and confusion became a sense of urgency and panic anytime I felt an unwelcome, misunderstood emotion. The fear and urgency were conditioned in me and in you too, if you resonate with what I’m saying. That urgency is often the fear of the painful emotions that were denied and rejected as children. People who are finally ready to work on their wounding face a dilemma. They know they need to address the feelings associated with the wounding but are trained to be afraid of those very feelings. When you sense urgency, cultivate curiosity to assess whether the urgency is relevant. That urgency is often a firefighter part that wants to fix the emergency now. The firefighter thinks that we can’t handle the pain and must get around it as quickly as possible. Like any part, we must give it presence, validation, and understanding. We can only do that if we stop identifying with the urgency and have enough space to be with it. |
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AuthorProsopon Therapy Archives
April 2024
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