The Addiction to "Getting Away With It"

CONTENT WARNING: mention of violence here and there.

Misdeeds often have some amount of someone trying to "get away with it." 

Much of my life has been around groups of people diverse in many ways. Since I am trying to make sense of things, I seek out people who have vastly different experiences. You can't get at "truth" going around the same types of people. 

I seldom thought too much about “evil” or the spectrum of misdeeds because I tend to see the good in people no matter what “crimes'' they commit. As much as I'd like to believe in free will, there are times when one does not have the power to choose how one acts, especially when traumatized. 

My time volunteering with homeless populations and my therapy career brought a broad spectrum of clients and people served. I spent a great deal of time with people who have gone through the worst abuse and who have a lifetime of criminal convictions, often the same people.

I have worked with people institutionalized for life due to schizophrenia. I've listened to the stories of cops, soldiers, and jail wardens. I've known high-status, high-paid professionals who were also deep into drugs. I've heard the meandering, excruciating, and exciting lives of high-end prostitutes who plan for the future with retirement accounts.

I've known professional fighters, hunters, and business people. I've heard how they "got this close" to killing someone outside a restaurant, at a pigeon shoot, in a conference room. Their hands were around their throats, their gun pointed at their chest, their fists pummeling their body. "At the time," they say, "I felt like I was in the right."

I've sat with the stories of victims of torture, genocide, and cults. Their captors always feel that they are in the right. They believe they "deserve to get away with it" because someone wronged them, and this person, these people, or the world should pay--because they are owed.

I've spent so much time with "good" people, too. People who think that they "toe the line" and who look down on everyone else who has broken the rules. The good people are just as addicted to "getting away with it" as any criminal. 

I once was told by a diagnosed sociopath, "You good people always think you're so right." I think I get what he means now. Good people trick themselves into thinking that bad behavior is "out there" with the criminals and neglect to see their own addictions and misgivings.

I know about "getting away with it" because I do it too.

What does it mean to "get away with it?"

"Getting away with it" means breaking rules or societal norms and not getting caught. 

In some groups, this can get wildly out of hand. I won't get specific to protect the sensitivity of my readers. When I began to encounter the victims of these groups was the first time I felt challenged in my perspective that people do not choose evil despite doing heinous things.

These groups engage in cruelty combined with lavish luxury and creative genius. I could not fathom why someone or, unfortunately, large groups of people would bother to put so much effort and resources into such horrible behavior.

For years, I worked to make this make sense. Now I understand that the root of the issue is the addiction to "getting away with it."

"Getting away with it" can be addicting due to a combination of factors rooted in psychology and behavior. First, there's the thrill of breaking rules or societal norms, which can activate the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine and creating a sense of excitement or euphoria. This rush of positive emotion reinforces the behavior, making it more likely to be repeated in the future.

Then, the feeling of outsmarting authority figures or societal expectations can boost one's sense of power and control, further fueling the desire to engage in the behavior again. 

Over time, this cycle can become a positive feedback loop, causing individuals to seek out increasingly risky or taboo activities in pursuit of that same rush of adrenaline and satisfaction. 

Ultimately, the addiction to "getting away with it" is an addiction to power. 

Like any addiction, such behaviors have negative consequences, both personally and socially, and ultimately lead to destructive outcomes, especially if left unchecked.

All addictions have some element of an addiction to power and stem from the person feeling powerless on some level.

Instead of addressing the underlying feeling of powerlessness, the person chooses to alleviate the pain and anxiety caused by powerlessness by doing something that represents power to themselves. Here are some examples of how people indirectly manage feelings of powerlessness:

• Drugs and Substances: the power to change how I feel
• Abuse: the power I have over another person
• Extortion: the power I have to get things from people
• Manipulation: the power to control others 
• Excessive Neediness: the power I have to get people to rescue me
• Passive Aggression: the power to act aggressively but hide my aggressive feelings
• Tax Evasion: the power to use the system and not have to pay for it
• Unacknowledged Privilege: the power to ignore automatically granted unearned advantages 
• Stealing: the power to have things I did not work for
• Blaming and Complaining: the power to avoid accountability and ownership
• Sabotage: the power to prevent the success of others to bolster my own
• Neglect: the power to dodge responsibility
• Denying Mistakes: the power to feel right and avoid the work of correction

When we engage in frequent "getting away with it," we have a secret life. That secret life is both exciting and stressful. It's exciting for the neurochemical reasons named above. We get to pretend like the rules don't apply to us.

That life is stressful because, if caught, we would get into big trouble, feel shame, and have to deal with any consequences of our actions. To make matters worse, we probably didn't develop another way to deal with the pervasive feelings of powerlessness that we used the addiction to cope with in the first place.  

Learning to Take Responsibility and Delay Gratification

"Getting away with it" is one of the earliest addictions we have access to if our caregivers worked to keep other addictive substances (excessive food, screentime, alcohol, etc.) away from us. All kids at some time experience the thrill of "getting away with it." Some kids have temperaments that want to do that all the time. Others are frightened by the prospect of getting in trouble and work hard to follow the rules out of fear.

Learning to enjoy the balance of responsibility and rest comes with maturity, wisdom, and age. It does not make sense to the mind of a child that hard work, accountability, healthy enjoyment, and self-care create a genuinely fulfilling life because children operate so strongly on the pain/pleasure paradigm and experience the least amount of personal power.

Whatever pain a child experiences is usually the worst pain of their life because they (hopefully) have had few experiences of pain. They want immediate relief and pleasure. It feels excruciating to put off the relief of pain or the experience of pleasure because they cannot understand why that would be in their best interest.

If adults never assist children in learning to delay gratification, addiction is likely in their future. The positive feedback loop described in the above section can occur, causing the child to grow into an adult with increasingly intense and taboo appetites.

A theme of addiction is instant gratification. Anything that provides instant gratification can lead to addictive behaviors. 

The opposite of instant gratification is delayed gratification, which involves forgoing immediate rewards in favor of greater rewards in the future. An example of this is taking the time to feel the pain of powerlessness that came from the past and noticing ways that one has power now instead of erasing the feeling of powerlessness with quick substitutes and "getting away with it."

Addict Make Addicts

Abuse and unfair or harsh child-rearing come from adults who experienced the same. Rarely does an adult who grew up in a household and community that struck the balance between nurturance and fair discipline go on to treat children with abuse and harshness.

Abuse and harsh discipline occur when adults are unable to delay gratification and tolerate their own feelings of powerlessness. They erase their difficult feelings by lashing out, dominating, or manipulating the child. 

Sometimes, we must react quickly in dangerous situations to bring a child to safety. Abuse and harshness are different in that no danger is present that warrants a quick and firm reaction, or the adult overreacts regardless of the situation and thereby unnecessarily transfers pain to the child.

Children primarily learn through modeling. Therefore, when adults treat children like this, they model instant gratification instead of thoughtfulness, care, wisdom, and maturity. 

Closing Thoughts

The concept of "getting away with it" permeates various aspects of human behavior and is deeply intertwined with issues of power, responsibility, and addiction. Whether it's through illicit actions or subtle manipulations, the pursuit of immediate gratification at the expense of long-term consequences can lead individuals down a path of self-destructive behaviors. This addiction to power often stems from unresolved feelings of powerlessness and a lack of healthy coping mechanisms. Recognizing and addressing this cycle of instant gratification is crucial for personal growth and societal well-being. It requires learning to navigate the complexities of responsibility and delayed gratification, acknowledging the root causes of addiction, and breaking the cycle of harm perpetuated by past traumas. By fostering an environment that promotes accountability, empathy, and resilience, we can work towards a future where individuals are empowered to confront their challenges with integrity and compassion, thereby breaking the cycle of addiction.