I attract a lot of neurodiverse clients, being neurodiverse myself. In this piece, I will discuss giftedness, the form of neurodiversity that I know best. Before we continue, I'll note that "giftedness" is not an ideal term. It draws attention to the "gifts" of this neurodiversity, making it difficult for people to recognize the struggles that gifted individuals face. However, since this is the term we have, I'll stick with it for now.
Let me start with a vignette, a composite of clients I've had: Sandra is a gifted woman who grew up in a high-demand group and now lives with a lot of trauma. She came to me because she was struggling in her career and having a hard time finding fulfilling relationships. Things were getting worse, and she was worried about her future. After two years of therapy she began to experience a more significant decrease in her trauma symptoms, such as panic attacks and tendencies to dissociate and procrastinate. As these symptoms eased, Sandra became more social and clearer about what she wanted in her work. As she became more social, Sandra noticed difficulties in understanding social interactions. She found herself "overthinking" how to act in social settings and struggled to pay attention when conversations were not related to her special interests which revolved around computers and technology. While embarrassed about this, she felt helpless to force herself to be interested in topics she found to be mundane. When she got excited about her interests, people would often glaze over and stop paying attention, which caused her significant distress. She ruminated on why people weren't interested in the same things she was and couldn't understand their fascination with topics like sports and politics. This was the moment in therapy when, having done enough trauma work, we needed to address her giftedness. There's nothing wrong with being gifted, just like there's nothing wrong with having autism, ADHD, or being highly sensitive. However, giftedness needs support because it is a feature of a person and does not go away. Gifted people have specific intellectual needs and Sandra needed to be around people with similar special interests. For Sandra, it’s important to be around people who have an interest in computers and technology, either as their main focus or as a side interest. While it doesn’t need to be their specific special interest, they should have an appetite for it. Gifted individuals often gravitate towards a variety of interests, including art, music, science, medicine, personal growth work, business, marketing—any category you can think of really. It’s not about the specific topic; it's about the way the gifted person engages with the topic or multiple topics for many of us. For many gifted people, including myself and my clients, our ideas are extremely personal. We feel our thoughts very strongly. Engaging in a special interest involves a whole-body and emotional state, making it very compelling. A well-supported gifted person can be highly successful due to their tendency to obsess about specific areas. This obsession enables them to become experts, a process that appears effortless to others watching the gifted person. It may come as a surprise that it is actually harder for gifted people to divert attention away from their interest rather than to go deeper into it. This intense focus can be both helpful and hurtful. If someone becomes so obsessed with a topic that they neglect other responsibilities, they may gain a lot of knowledge but fail to support their livelihood. For example, my special interest is holistic approaches to personal growth. I could take every training available, but if I never learn how to run a business, I can't pay for more training or support my household. As a gifted person, I have to connect learning about business with my special interest. Once a gifted person sees how another area of knowledge fits with their interest, they can allocate resources to that area, provided they work through any related trauma. For Sandra, the issue was making friends. She needed to socialize with people who shared her interests. Once she identified those people, she could work on social skills, which would help her maintain relationships with good-fit connections. Even among people with similar interests, Sandra would need to improve her social skills. Gifted people often become self-absorbed in their interests, leading to asynchronous development. Some suggest calling giftedness asynchronous learning. We tend to excel in intellectual, artistic, or spiritual pursuits faster than in navigating societal structures or relationships, where we have to prioritize others' emotional well-being over our tendency to focus in an obsessive way. Gifted individuals can be highly empathetic, and it hurts to realize we might not be treating people as well as we could. It is helpful for a gifted person to acknowledge their pain because that pain can break up the intense focus so we can learn other things. Diverting intellectual resources to social skills or other necessary but less interesting tasks, like paying taxes or structuring a business, can feel like it takes away from our special interest. Young gifted people need support from adults and mentors to recognize how social skills, learning to follow seemingly arbitrary rules, technology, and topics that seem far removed from their special interests actually support and deepen their connection to those interests. To complicate matters, the special interest of a gifted person might be social skills. In this case, they will excel in social skills but struggle with following what feel like arbitrary rules at school, possibly leading to academic failure. Another example is someone obsessed with custom woodwork who doesn't see the need to learn about business or marketing. Similarly, a person fixated on business and marketing might lack interest in social skills and struggle with interacting with others in prescribed ways (small talk!). It's not about the specific topic; it's about how gifted people relate to their special interest versus other topics. Another common trait among gifted individuals is an obsession with learning in general. They might not seem to have a specific special interest because their focus changes frequently. In these cases, their special interest is actually the act of learning itself. Once they reach a certain level of mastery in a new topic, they lose interest and move on to another subject, as the initial pleasure of the learning curve diminishes. These examples highlight the distinction between trauma and neurodiversity complications. Trauma is something that can be cleared out through various trauma-processing approaches and supportive daily activities. Once a gifted person has dealt with their trauma, they must then learn how to best manage their neurodiversity. Individuals who grew up in high-demand environments or were not identified as gifted may have a longer journey than those who were recognized early. Additionally, many gifted programs, especially in the past, were inconsistent in their effectiveness. For example, one gifted program I attended was excellent, focusing on projects and creativity, while another was merely additional busy work at a collegiate level for middle schoolers. Unfortunately, many gifted programs are more like the latter, contributing to gifted burnout rather than alleviating it. In this post, I'm focusing mainly on the intellectual needs of a gifted person, but it's important to note that gifted individuals have additional needs. They tend to be highly sensitive, prone to existential depression, and can feel bewildered and blindsided when their thinking becomes diffuse. I've discussed some of these issues in more detail in a prior post on giftedness. The point of this post is that supporting neurodiverse individuals, particularly those who are gifted, requires a dual approach of addressing trauma and understanding their unique intellectual needs. Trauma can be processed and cleared, but neurodiversity is an inherent part of a person that needs ongoing support. Recognizing the value in diverse interests and the importance of social skills and other seemingly unrelated tasks can help gifted individuals thrive. By creating environments that cater to their intellectual and emotional needs and providing mentorship to navigate the broader aspects of life, we can help gifted individuals achieve their full potential and lead fulfilling lives. Programs designed for gifted individuals need to balance creative and intellectual stimulation with practical skills to avoid burnout and ensure long-term success. With the right support and understanding, gifted individuals can harness their intense focus and passion to make significant contributions to their fields and society.
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I just had a wonderful conversation with a colleague about the difference between “the tools” and “the house.” In our pursuit of personal growth, we often confuse the tools we use for the desired outcomes we seek (the house).
Story Time: A student approached a Zen master seeking enlightenment. The student was eager to learn and asked many questions about the nature of reality, the path to enlightenment, and the meaning of life. The Zen master, instead of answering directly, gave the student various tasks, stories, and koans (paradoxical anecdotes or riddles) to contemplate. One day, the Zen master took the student outside at night and pointed at the moon. He said, "Look at the moon. It is beautiful, serene, and it lights up the night sky." The student, however, was fixated on the master's finger. He scrutinized the finger closely, trying to find some hidden meaning or secret in it. The Zen master noticed this and said, "I'm pointing at the moon, but you're looking at my finger." The master explained, "The finger is merely a tool to direct your attention to the moon. The teachings, the stories, and even my words are like the finger. They point you toward the truth, but they are not the truth itself. Don't mistake the pointing finger for the moon. Look beyond the finger to see the true essence of what is being pointed at." Tools vs. The House: We use tools to build something like a house. In terms of personal growth and psychotherapy, the tools are the approaches we use to achieve the desired outcomes like meditation, bodywork, therapy, reading, journaling, gratitude practices, psychedelics, authentic relating, exercise, and so on. The house represents the outcomes, such as better relationships, inner calmness, empowerment to pursue our careers, a healthy body, and a stronger connection to our spirituality. The issue we discussed is that many people mistake the tools for the house. Living in Boulder, it's no surprise that we often encounter individuals who meditate for many hours a day yet still struggle with difficult relationships and anxiety. They may believe they are achieving their goals because they meditate consistently, but they have mistaken the act of meditation as the ultimate goal. Alan Watts' Perspective: Here’s where Alan Watts might weigh in and ask, “Why is it that you want to meditate anyway? Are you trying to be better than other people?” Watts' perspective is that you should only do things because you enjoy them, not because they will make you a better person. Applying this to our situation, it's not that reducing anxiety or crafting the life you want is a bad thing. The challenge arises when we don't stop to ask ourselves if the things we are pursuing are what we actually want, if the tools we are using are ones we actually enjoy, and if those tools are actually working. It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting to live the life others live or, conversely, to rebel against that life just to do the opposite of everyone else. Both are traps based on the rules of what others are doing. Competitive Acquisition of Tools: Another common issue we encounter is the competitive acquisition of tools while no house can be found. Perhaps you know someone who has gone on their tenth Ayahuasca retreat in the jungle or someone who has taken every somatic training available. Retreat after retreat, training after training, all over the world. When you meet this person, you might expect them to be sweet, clear, connective, harmonious, and strong. Instead, you are met with a person listing off the places they've been and the experiences they've had, as if reading an index of their recent memories. You can feel that they are trying to get you to see them in a certain way because of their experiences. It's as if they are saying, “Look no further. My resume indicates that I am worthy and that you should think I'm…” Fill in the blank: cool, enlightened, wise, mature, compassionate, worthy of success, an authority, and so on. Personal Reflection: I'm not writing this to shame anyone or to suggest that I am better than anyone. This is a coping mechanism that I myself have tried. I used to think that if I did enough yoga and had a perfect diet that I could resolve my insecurity. I then became more insecure because I was approaching the tools wrong but I got a lot of praise for my dedication, athleticism, and fit body. I had more people around me but I still didn’t feel authentic and couldn’t relax. So confusing! I am pointing this out because, based on how frequently I encounter this, it seems to be a difficult thing for us humans to avoid. What's the use of having all these tools if I don't have my house? Wouldn't you feel confused and sad if you met someone who was excitedly showing you all of their tools, but when you asked them what they were going to accomplish with those tools, they couldn't tell you? Or perhaps this person insists they have a big, beautiful, magnificent house, but there is no house to be found. You would think to yourself, “surely this person is delusional.” And they are—and so are we—when we confuse the tools for the house. Avoiding the Pitfall: So how do we avoid confusing the tools for the house? This may be one of the biggest pitfalls people encounter when we start a personal growth or spiritual path. Trungpa Rinpoche talked about spiritual materialism for this very reason. He even had the colorfully and exotically dressed hippies of the original Naropa Institute swap out their spiritual costumes for suits and military attire, likely to make the point that clothes do not make the person. In other words, spirituality does not come from wearing a Tibetan Chuba robe or a suit and tie. I finally realized that being good at yoga poses was not my goal. My goal was inner peace. It was a long journey but I discovered that I could bring my yoga tools into my moment-to-moment daily life. I began stretching between tasks at work, exploring my exhale when I felt overwhelmed, bringing my awareness into my body when conversing with others so I could feel what they were saying and not just hearing the words. Then my yoga practice became more about cultivating my presence and not my athleticism. Application in Daily Life: Tools like psychotherapy, meditation, psychedelics, prayer, yoga, martial arts, travel, reading, creating, dancing, and so on are wonderful mediums that can lead and shape us into the kind of people we want to be. However, this transformation can only happen if we take the lessons we learn from these tools and apply them to our everyday activities, like speaking with our family, cleaning the house, organizing our finances, making healthy choices for our bodies and the planet, and relating to others and ourselves. If we are not seeing marked changes in our lives outside of our practice times, we need to seriously ask ourselves if we are mistaking our tools for the house. The Role of Humility: Asking this question is an act of humility. Humility is the number one skill we need to work with this challenge. Humility is the ability to accurately locate yourself in your current life position. The opposite of humility is BOTH pride and shame. You can think of these states on a spectrum: Excessive Shame <-----------------------Humility------------------->Excessive Pride Shame is valuing yourself too little, pride is too much, and humility is right in the middle–the sweet spot. It is difficult to assess and verify how well our tools are working in the pursuit of building the house. When we fall short, we must be willing to take ownership of what went wrong, feel the pain of failure, and face the confusion as we seek guidance and come up with a plan to approach the problem differently without falling into the frozen chasm of shame. This process of ownership and revision requires humility. Reflective Questions: Whatever tool you are using, ask yourself: - How does this experience inform me? - How does it impact my body and emotions? - What discomfort or resistance do I feel during this process and why do I personally feel this? - What do I expect to get from this and is that realistic? - How does this process deepen my humility and my compassion for myself and others? - What’s the goal here? - Am I doing this to seem better than others? Or is it that I want to feel good and do better? Conclusion: In conclusion, it is crucial to distinguish between the tools and the house in personal growth and spiritual development. Tools like psychotherapy and meditation are means to achieve real-life improvements, not ends in themselves. We must cultivate humility to regularly assess whether our practices are leading to genuine progress and be willing to adapt when they are not. By doing so, we ensure that our tools effectively help us build fulfilling and meaningful lives. "You're not listening!" is a common cry during emotionally charged conversations. This complaint isn't just about the words spoken; it digs deeper into a more profound level of communication. Although the other person may be hearing the words, the speaker often feels that their emotions and underlying messages are not truly understood. This feeling of not being "felt" is at the heart of many communication breakdowns.
Listening effectively involves more than just registering words; it requires us to resonate with the other person's sensations and emotions to grasp the full depth of their message. Meaning is highly nuanced and difficult to capture with words alone. Words provide precision, but the true essence of communication lies beneath them, in the feelings and emotions expressed through the body. Why the body? It's not just about following the latest somatic trends; it's because our feelings are physically rooted in our bodies. To truly listen and understand, we need to tune into these bodily sensations and the emotional currents they convey. By doing so, we can achieve a deeper connection and more meaningful communication with others. How to Feel While Listening Learning to feel while listening is not an easy task, unfortunately. Cultures that are not primarily intellectually based often excel in this area. However, those of us raised in Western, more thinking-based cultures have essentially unlearned this skill to better meet the demands of our intellectually based education. The same applies to the way we approach sports, where we learn a kind of dissociation to perform both intellectually and physically in the Western cultural way. This isn't entirely negative, as great innovation has come from this dissociation. The downside, though, is that we are cut off from feeling genuinely connected with others and experiencing that connection reciprocally. Relearning the Skill For those of us who have gone through this unlearning process, it's time to relearn. The following steps will guide you through this journey. Differentiating Sensations from Stories Start by differentiating sensations in your body from the stories you tell yourself. This concept is foundational in modalities such as sensorimotor psychotherapy and somatic experiencing. For example, when you say, “I feel angry,” ask yourself, “How do I know I feel angry?” The answer might be, “I know I feel angry because my jaw clenches, there's tension in my hands, I feel burning in my belly, my brow is furrowed, and my thoughts are ruminative.” By recognizing these physical sensations, you can stop prioritizing the story about the sensations—namely, “This is anger”—and start to get curious about the sensations themselves. Explore these sensations without needing an immediate answer. When you stay with a sensation without labeling it, the sensation begins to inform you in surprising ways. This practice involves turning your attention to the sensations, which is another form of “thinking” or “knowledge.” Practicing Sensation Awareness While Listening Once you have mastered feeling sensations without attaching stories to them, you can apply this skill while listening to someone else. Keep an ear open to their words while also feeling the sensations in your body without rushing to explain them. This approach allows you to grasp a deeper meaning of what the person is saying with very little effort. To do this properly, it requires a kind of trust. Building Comfort with Sensation Awareness If you find step two challenging, it's worthwhile to spend a lot of time in step one, perhaps in a meditative space like a yoga class, a meditation group, or a somatic noticing group. Engaging in these activities can feel frightening or anxiety-provoking, especially in a culture where feeling is often considered shameful. By deliberately turning your attention to feelings, you are doing the opposite of what you've been trained to do. This practice involves taking a leap of faith into feeling. Facing Your Fears Just like facing your fears in any other context, if you practice this enough, you will start to get used to it. It will no longer frighten you and will instead become an automatic response to being in a conversation or being with yourself. Over time, this practice will enhance your ability to connect deeply with others and understand their true emotions. Trusting the Information Once you've faced your fears and developed the habit of being a clear receptacle for another person's words and energy (or "vibe" if you prefer), the next step is to learn to trust the information that comes through. It's important to separate out your own personal triggers and egoic reactions to what the person is saying. Initially, this can be challenging because you're wrestling with your ego. Without practice working with your ego, your ego may feel threatened as you ask it to step aside. When the ego is out of the way and you are deeply resonating with the other person's words, emotions, and body sensations, emergent information will come through you. This has a particular sensation, like something bubbling up from a lake. Sometimes it comes swiftly, like a boat that has been pushed underwater, and sometimes it rises gently, like a whale visiting the surface. This process allows for a deeper, more intuitive understanding and connection. Constantly Get Feedback Trusting the information you receive is an imperfect process, so it's important to check in with the person you're listening to ensure you're getting it right. You can do this by using reflective statements, which involve repeating back what the person is saying both on the surface level in their words and the underlying energy. You can also offer a summarization and follow up with, "Am I getting that right?" Just like AI, the more confirmation your system gets that you are understanding people deeply, the better your internal listening device calibrates to others' multi-layered communication. The more you practice and verify, the more you can trust yourself and your ability to connect with others. The Benefits of Deep Listening Deliberately entering into this process, which can be a multi-year endeavor, results in more connection for both you and those around you. This practice can address many psychological difficulties, as loneliness falls away and a sense of understanding grows. Offering and receiving understanding creates a massive win-win situation. Studies show that loneliness has negative health impacts, and the US Surgeon General has declared a loneliness epidemic. This practice counters the disconnection we experience in society today. Resonating with Nature Another wonderful result of dedicating yourself to this practice is that you begin to resonate with information freely available all around you. Humans are part of nature, and nature also communicates. Books like "The Secret Life of Trees" discuss how trees communicate with one another. The study of mycelium reveals a vast communication network. By learning to listen deeply to other humans, you also become attuned to the communication of nature. While nature does not speak our language, it is still communicating. Learning to listen better to fellow humans means also becoming better at hearing the messages and information from the environment around you. An Antidote to Loneliness To say this practice is an antidote to loneliness is an understatement. It is a way to re-enter the deep manifold of knowledge that is our birthright. Reflecting on the ancients' achievements, we realize that living in resonance with each other and nature was their natural state. As we move forward, we should not be cut off from this resonance. By continuing our technological development and reincorporating this basic human skill of resonating with each other and nature, I believe that our ability to innovate will become easily inspired, connected, and ethical once again. Embracing the practice of deep listening is more than just a technique; it is a journey back to our natural state of connection. By differentiating sensations from stories, practicing sensation awareness, and building comfort with our emotions, we can cultivate genuine understanding and empathy. Trusting the information that emerges and constantly seeking feedback strengthens our ability to connect on a deeper level. As we dedicate ourselves to this practice, we not only enhance our relationships with others but also reconnect with the natural world. This journey, though challenging, promises profound rewards: a sense of belonging, reduced loneliness, and a harmonious integration of innovation and human resonance. Let us take this step together, knowing that when we do, we are saying "yes" to a world where deep, meaningful connections thrive. "Giftedness" is a distinct type of neurodiversity diagnosis. While many are familiar with Gifted and Talented programs in schools, the true nature of being gifted is often misunderstood. Giftedness encompasses more than just a high IQ; it includes a unique set of personality traits and nervous system qualities. Experts estimate that between 3% to 20% of the population are gifted, reflecting the challenges in defining and identifying this neurodiversity. Recognizing and educating individuals about their giftedness can provide immense relief, helping them understand that they belong to a larger community of people who share similar, predictable, and describable characteristics.
Giftedness in adults is characterized by exceptional intellectual abilities, advanced problem-solving skills, and a deep passion for learning and creativity. Adults who are gifted often exhibit high levels of curiosity, an intense drive for self-improvement, and the capacity to grasp complex concepts quickly. They may demonstrate exceptional talents in specific areas such as mathematics, spirituality, science, emotional intelligence, arts, or literature. Gifted adults often possess heightened sensitivity, empathy, and a strong sense of justice, which can sometimes lead to feelings of frustration or isolation if their intellectual and emotional needs are not met. They might also struggle with perfectionism and setting high standards for themselves. In professional and personal contexts, gifted adults seek intellectually stimulating environments and meaningful connections, continuously striving for growth and understanding. Individuals who are identified as "gifted" often exhibit a range of characteristics and behaviors that set them apart from their peers. Some common symptoms or signs of giftedness in both children and adults include: Advanced Cognitive Abilities: Exceptional reasoning skills, problem-solving abilities, and an advanced vocabulary at an early age. Diffuse Thinking: allows them to connect disparate ideas and concepts in innovative ways, enhancing their creativity and problem-solving abilities. Intense Curiosity and Passion for Learning: A deep desire to explore, ask questions, and understand complex concepts. Rapid Learning and Retention: The ability to learn new information quickly and retain it well, often with little repetition needed. Advanced Language Skills: Early reading skills, sophisticated use of language, and an ability to understand and create complex narratives. Heightened Sensitivity and Emotional Intensity: Strong emotional reactions, empathy, and sensitivity to others' feelings. Asynchronous Development: Uneven development where cognitive abilities may be far ahead of emotional or social skills. Strong Imagination and Creativity: Original thinking, a rich imagination, and the ability to come up with unique solutions and ideas. Tendency to Underachieve: Gifted people differ from neurotypicals with high IQs in that gifted individuals have a lot of difficulty directing their intelligence towards activities that they are not interested in. Typical paths to success like climbing the corporate ladder do not often appeal. Keen Observation and Attention to Detail: Noticing details that others may overlook and an ability to make connections between seemingly unrelated concepts. Perfectionism and High Standards: A tendency towards setting high personal standards and sometimes struggling with perfectionism. Sensitivity to Injustice and Strong Moral Reasoning: A keen sense of fairness, justice, and ethical thinking often appearing early in life. A Tendency to Deconstruct: During the deconstruction period of a gifted person's thinking process, they meticulously break down complex ideas into simpler components to better understand and analyze each element before reassembling them into a cohesive whole. While this method is highly effective, it can also be distressing for gifted individuals, as they may feel temporarily lost or uncertain about a topic they are actually quite knowledgeable about. Nonconformity and Preference for Independent Work: A preference for working alone or pursuing interests independently, often accompanied by a resistance to following rules or norms that seem arbitrary. Advanced Interests and Hobbies: Engaging in activities or hobbies that are more typical of older children or adults, often with a high level of expertise or enthusiasm. These characteristics can vary widely among individuals, and not all gifted individuals will display every trait. Additionally, giftedness can present challenges such as social isolation, anxiety, or difficulty finding appropriately challenging and stimulating environments. The Intersection of Mental Health Challenges and Giftedness Mental health issues uniquely affect gifted adults by intersecting with their heightened cognitive abilities and emotional sensitivities, often exacerbating feelings of isolation, frustration, and existential anxiety. Their intense self-awareness and capacity for deep introspection can lead to overthinking and heightened stress. Perfectionism and high personal standards might contribute to chronic stress, anxiety, and a fear of failure. Gifted adults may also experience asynchronous development, where their emotional and social skills lag behind their intellectual abilities, leading to difficulties in relationships and social interactions. Additionally, the mismatch between their advanced abilities and the expectations or understanding of their environment can result in feelings of alienation and being misunderstood. This unique combination of traits and challenges necessitates tailored mental health support that acknowledges their intellectual and emotional complexities. I often reflect on the purpose of therapy and how it shapes my approach with clients. One idea that guides me is navigating life's constraints to foster a sense of freedom within those parameters.
Life presents us with circumstances we cannot always change or fully control, and as we grow older, our choices often narrow our options. For example, deciding to have children shifts priorities away from late-night social activities to focus on nurturing them—a shift that enriches life in different ways. Consider a move from Colorado to the Baja Peninsula: trading mountain sports for ocean activities and embracing the challenge of conducting business in Spanish if you're an English speaker. Each choice we make involves opting into one thing while opting out of another. Trauma can impose decisions on us without our consent, altering our paths. For instance, someone succeeding despite a parent's negativity faces a choice: pursue success independently or maintain a relationship by underachieving, potentially developing an aversion to success over time. To find freedom within such constraints, we must acknowledge discomfort and anticipate its recurrence. As adults, we can pursue success while managing past wounds that might cause unease. Viktor Frankl's experience in Nazi concentration camps underscores that even in extreme conditions, people find freedom by orienting themselves toward meaningful purposes. This resilience highlights our capacity to choose our responses despite circumstances. Accepting what we cannot control frees us to focus on what we can. Life's limitations, including our physical bodies, frame our existence. Embracing these realities allows us to live authentically and fully utilize our capacities. In therapy, understanding and accepting reality are crucial for clients to navigate their challenges effectively. It's about making informed decisions based on current circumstances, acknowledging what is beyond our control while acting honestly within it. Navigating systemic injustices and dynamics of privilege requires humility and awareness. We may not individually change systems, but we can learn from and support marginalized communities, leveraging our privilege responsibly. Whether privileged or marginalized, our resources are limited. Choosing how to allocate them toward meaningful causes aligns with our values and supports both personal and communal well-being. Focusing on what we can control rather than dwelling on what we cannot allows us to direct our energy positively. It's about finding fulfillment and purpose amidst life's uncertainties, supporting others in doing the same, and making progressive changes where possible. These questions are personal and evolving, but seeking support from friends or therapists can aid in navigating them at different stages of life. Finding freedom within our circumstances builds resilience and inner strength, essential for survival and pursuing life goals, regardless of their nature or context. It's a mindset that minimizes unnecessary struggle, fostering adaptability and alignment with our values. Personal growth and solopreneurship has been a part of my adult life since the beginning. Over the years I have noticed many parallels between the two. Each involves confronting problems and greeting change to move forward toward a goal. There is one phase of change that stands out as the most difficult to tolerate.
The most challenging phase of change, whether it pertains to personal growth or entrepreneurial endeavors, is the period when we pour our time and money into addressing a problem or fostering growth, but are not yet at the stage where we can reap the benefits of our investments. This moment requires us to rely on blind faith, especially if it’s our first experience with the cycle of entrepreneurship or personal development. Being in this situation is incredibly vulnerable and anxiety-provoking. It often feels isolating and lonely because there's an inherent understanding that we've made a decision from which no one else can rescue us. We can and should ask for help, but the help is a “tool” not the solution or a rescue mission. This is the point where many people decide to abandon their efforts, thereby ensuring they never see the fruits of their labor. Another difficulty with this stage of the cycle is the uncertainty regarding its duration. There are times when it’s necessary to recognize that the investment isn't yielding results and to avoid falling into the sunk cost fallacy—sometimes things just don’t work out. However, when things are progressing and it’s appropriate to do so, it’s crucial to persist. This phase of investment and sacrifice will eventually end, and the individual will start to enjoy the rewards of their hard work and patience. The phases of change for our purposes are:
Ideally, we want to reach a point where we embrace each phase with confidence, knowing that each step brings us closer to our goals. While the Investment phase often trips people up more than the others, everyone encounters blocks at different phases for various reasons. In my view, someone has truly "arrived" when they no longer experience these blocks and take each phase in stride. They understand that there is no final destination. Instead, they embrace the process, focusing on honing it rather than trying to end it. This shift in perspective allows them to stop wasting effort searching for an endpoint and instead work towards making the ongoing process of investing and receiving more sustainable and, dare I say, fun! The Problem with “Just think happy thoughts”
Hearing the advice to "just think happy thoughts" is a common frustration for me and many others. Despite the growing popularity of shadow work and the understanding that embracing nuanced thinking is more realistic and helpful, people expressing negative emotions are still often met with directives to ignore their feelings. Positive thinking certainly has its place, but it also has a dark side that can create distance between people. Here are some reasons why people might lean towards this shadow side:
While positivity can be helpful, it shouldn't be used to invalidate or dismiss the genuine feelings and experiences of others. The repercussions of receiving misplaced positivity can include feelings of inadequacy, disconnection, dismissal, gaslighting, and even disdain towards the advisor. What is a Belief? Beliefs aren't just thoughts in our heads; they manifest as bodily events. They can develop over time from everyday experiences or from significant traumas. For instance, growing up in a mildly emotionally abusive environment shapes certain beliefs, while a single traumatic event can lead to entirely different ones. Both gradual and sudden wounds trigger sensations in the body that influence our thoughts and behaviors. So when someone says, "I feel like I'm not enough," that feeling originates deep within their body, with the words being merely a surface expression. Therefore, reassuring them ("Of course you're enough") won't necessarily change how they feel, as it overlooks the profound nature of beliefs. Memory Reconsolidation In somatic and experiential therapies, we use memory reconsolidation to create conditions that support genuine changes in belief systems. This process involves recalling a memory and updating it with new information before re-storing it, which can reduce the impact of negative or traumatic experiences. Therapists skilled in memory reconsolidation must be able to sit with a client's pain and help them discover the "missing experience" that initially shaped their limiting belief. For example, a child who experiences the abandonment of a parent may internalize feelings of grief and fear, leading them to conclude, "I'm not enough" because they missed the experience of having a dedicated present parent. This belief can profoundly shape their worldview and influence their actions. One of the greatest challenges with limiting beliefs is that they color a person's entire perspective, often leading them to unknowingly seek out situations that confirm these beliefs. This tendency arises because it's easier to believe the problem lies within oneself, something one can potentially control. For instance, if someone believes they're inadequate, they might strive to become "enough" to avoid further abandonment or retreat to conserve energy. While both responses to limiting beliefs can alleviate anxiety and be adaptive in uncontrollable situations, these beliefs may no longer serve us as adults. Encouraging someone to simply adopt positive beliefs overlooks the fact that beliefs are deeply rooted in bodily sensations and behaviors beyond conscious control. How to Change Beliefs In therapy, our goal is to help individuals shed limiting beliefs. While well-meaning individuals may advise us to "think happy thoughts," our approach through memory reconsolidation aims to achieve the same goal indirectly. Rather than confronting beliefs head-on, we help clients explore their origins, whether through specific memories or current bodily sensations. While some beliefs may shift in a single session, dismantling strong limiting belief systems often requires multiple sessions of therapeutic exploration and insight. Navigating the complexities of belief systems requires more than superficial positivity or quick fixes. It demands a deep understanding of how beliefs are woven into our bodily experiences and behaviors. By using approaches like memory reconsolidation in therapy, we create the conditions for genuine change, addressing the roots of limiting beliefs with compassion and insight. Together, we create a healing environment that honors the depth of human experience, helping individuals reclaim agency over their narratives and move towards greater authenticity and resilience. Clients often ask me if they can do therapy even if they can't remember their childhood. The answer is absolutely yes. Historically, psychotherapy emphasized remembering traumatic memories. However, what we have known for some time, and what has become more of the industry standard, is that you don't need to remember a single thing to heal. Why is that?
The reason you don't need to remember is because the memory is not the point. The point is that you are feeling something in your body because of the memory. When you see a symbol of that memory (whether you remember it or not), you get "triggered," which means you re-experience the memory in your body without necessarily seeing the image that goes with the memory. The truth is, it is not necessary to see the image. Everything we really need to know about the memory is activated in your body. Traumatic wounding memories are both relevant in the here and now and also not relevant. These memories are relevant because they taught us something about the world and how things can be dangerous or harmful. They are not so relevant now because often we are no longer in the environment where those memories were formed. Often, those memories were formed when we were children, or long before we came to therapy, and our lives are quite different now. The body and behavioral reactions we had back then when the memories were being formed were adaptive reactions. They were important and necessary changes happening in our bodies and minds to meet the difficulty we were facing. It's not that we don't have difficulties in our lives now, but we have different difficulties than we had back then. If we are not adapting to the current difficulties and instead are adapting to the past difficulties, then we are not really helping ourselves anymore. So even without the image of the memory, we have everything we need right here, right now. What we need to know is how you feel in your body, the thoughts you have that go with that feeling, and any impulsive behaviors that occur because of the body feeling and the thoughts. Then we can address those things—body, mind, behavior—and work towards transforming old adaptations into more appropriate new ones. If you're thinking of coming to therapy but are concerned that you can't remember anything from the past, or you're worried that the therapist will try to make you remember things you'd rather keep in the shadows, I am writing to tell you that not remembering is not a problem. There is no need to rummage around in the past to find those memories in order to heal. You have everything you need in the here and now. The pain you're feeling does not need to become bigger or more complicated for you to start moving in the healthy direction you desire. Many of us believe we are good listeners, but we often overlook that listening is a skill that needs to be developed. Good listening is scarce in the world. Everyday in the office I hear about pervasive feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Our loneliness is partly due to how our lives are structured today, but also because, when given the opportunity, we fail to truly connect with each other.
Listening well is crucial not only for the person we are listening to but also for ourselves. When we listen to others, others are more likely to listen to us. Even when others are not listening well in return, the listener benefits because they at least know better what is going on with the other person. Listening well helps us connect and make better decisions. In therapy, the client can feel a lot of relief and progress when all the therapist is doing is working to precisely understand what the client is saying. The therapist conveys and confirms their understanding with minimal reflections and the occasional summary of what the client is saying followed up with a confirmation -- “am I getting that right?” When a therapist listens in this manner, it's not just about the words. The real challenge is maintaining focused attention on someone else's story. When I am listening to someone, I am often reminded of my own experiences. It takes significant effort to avoid introducing my thoughts into the conversation before fully listening. I don't always succeed, but when I do, something interesting happens. I may think I know where the person is heading, but I often discover a unique perspective in their story that I hadn't considered. I am now more motivated to listen actively because I know that if I do it well, I will often be pleasantly surprised by what I hear. Well known listening expert Julian Treasure wrote: How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening. He defines listening in his 2017 TED Talk as “as making meaning from sound. It's a mental process, and it's a process of extraction.” Treasure identifies three automatic listening actions the brain uses to listen efficiently:
He offers the following exercises for learning to listen better: 1. Silence Objective: To reset and recalibrate your ears. Practice:
2. The Mixer Objective: To improve the ability to identify and differentiate individual sounds in a noisy environment. Practice:
3. Savoring Objective: To find beauty and interest in everyday sounds. Practice:
4. Listening Positions Objective: To consciously adjust your listening filters to better understand different contexts and perspectives. Practice:
5. RASA Acronym Objective: To improve communication through active listening. Practice:
Happy (almost) Pride Month to all of our LGBTQIA+ brothers, sisters, and siblings! True to form, I will start this next section with a bit of history:
June was established as Pride Month after the Stonewall riots in June of 1968. Stonewall Inn was the name of a gay bar in New York City where police officers forcibly dragged patrons and employees because gay behavior in public was still ILLEGAL at this time. This event sparked 6 days of riots in Greenwich Village and ignited the gay rights movement in the United States. This month, I am celebrating by reflecting on my relative privilege as a straight person and my privilege in general. I know a lot more about being privileged than I do about being marginalized and, as with all of my writing and creative pursuits, I wish to stay in my lane. The following is a reflection on my experience of privilege: Somatically, my experience of privilege is often an experience of the absence of pervasive anxiety, rage, shame, and dread relative to my experience of oppression. I remember the surprise I felt when one of my mentors mentioned that he came out before “homosexuality” was removed from the list of psychological pathologies and paraphilias. He discussed needing to hide his true self back then and still at times to this day. I realized at that moment that, even though I have a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals in my personal and professional life, I can easily forget all of the overt and subtle ways that queer identified folks are historically and currently marginalized by means of the basic structures of society. I still frequently have conversations with queer folks that remind me of how much my straightness lacks the relative friction that a queer identity has in our current culture. As someone who has always been “progressive” when it comes to social issues, it's easy to see privilege in people who are overtly racist, queer-phobic, et cetera and harder to see it in myself and others who identify as allies. I do reflect periodically on the marginalization I experience being a woman, especially having lived in Texas the majority of my life. I do not reflect as often or automatically about the experience of skin color privilege, straight privilege, being born in a middle class zip code, et cetera because my privilege in these areas means that I don’t have to think about these aspects of myself and adjust my natural behavior to survive and succeed in life. To me this is what privilege means: fewer obstacles to functioning in my community/country/world, from basic survival all the way to achieving my hopes and dreams. Privilege means I don’t have to think about oppression and marginalization if I don’t want to. I do not spend a lot of time consciously thinking about my marginalized identities (woman/neurodiverse/chronic pain) but when I do reflect, I can see that it is something that I automatically factor in when making life decisions. For example, when Texas appeared to be heading in an anti-woman direction, I decided to leave permanently and reestablish my life in a place that tries to protect women and other marginalized groups. I was aware that I would be moving to a whiter area but I did not have to think about where I would be safe racially in Colorado because I am privileged. I did not have to think about accessibility because I am not disabled. In my career, I have had to think about how I need to dress and present myself because I can be a bit eccentric but not because I was at risk of looking “too queer” which would inspire rejection and opportunity loss due to unconscious or conscious homophobia. I wish I did not have to think about "being a woman" from an oppression standpoint when making life decisions and I wish the same freedom for all other marginalized identities. In fact, I have noticed an historical aversion to reflecting on my marginalized identities because I feel powerless when I do. I have made it more of a point to think about my own marginalization periodically because it brings me into my own reality and fosters compassion in me for other marginalized experiences. I yearn for the day where we live in a world where people are “judged for the content of their character (MLK, Jr)” rather than their social identities. And, even then, when people are unable to show up in a constructive way, I yearn for a world that is trauma informed and treats people with respect for their temperaments and life contexts/histories. I yearn for the day where we live in a world that is inclusive of people of varying abilities, sexual and gender expressions, neurotypes, and wealth statuses. I am calling in a world that is open minded and accessible and eschews dominance and extraction. I believe the best way I can act on that now is by understanding privilege dynamics by seeing them within myself along with giving money, creating opportunity, and doing work in my community that supports marginalized groups. I had the great pleasure of seeing the presentation Interstitial Medicine - The Role of Psychiatry in the complex interactions between mental disorders and medical conditions presented by John Hopkins Professor Glenn J. Treisman, MD at the May 2024 Gold Lab Symposium last week. You can watch Dr. Treisman’s talk on YouTube at GoldLab Symposium 2024 DAY 1 - Live Stream starting at minute 17:20. This topic has been a main focus of my practice since beginning in 2011. I’m not as interested in psychiatry perse but I am interested in the “functional neurological” component of mind-body illness. The following is a sort of “book report” on Dr.Treisman’s talk introjecting with some of my own thoughts. People who have chronic pain often have what are called comorbidities. Comorbidity refers to the presence of one or more additional medical conditions co-occurring with a primary condition in a patient. These coexisting conditions can either be related to or independent of the primary condition. Comorbidity is common in both physical and mental health disorders and can complicate the diagnosis, treatment, and management of the primary condition. The siloed non-interdisciplinary nature of the mainstream health care system compounds this difficulty. Dr Treisman in his presentation says, “Everything in the human body affects everything else. We have this weird idea that you can get sick in some way, let's say diabetes, and it's just diabetes. It affects everything. It affects the nerves to your gut, it affects your microbiome, it affects the way in which you think. And we tend not to think about that in medicine, we tend to think about what is right in front of us. The division between mental illness and physical illness is an illusion. It's not true. Your brain is connected to every part of your body. If your foot is sick it affects your brain, if your brain is sick it affects your foot.” Chronic pain used to be thought of as “psychosomatic” meaning the person was simply focusing so much on “pain” that they were causing their nociceptors to fire. Nociceptors are nerves that detect when tissue is undergoing damage. The idea was the nociceptors were being caused to fire by the patient's neurotic obsession with pain and damage while no damage was in fact occurring. We now know this is false. Your pain system is constantly changing and resetting itself. Are you aware of the feeling of your shoes on your feet? Were you aware of this before you read the last sentence? Your brain subtracts the sensation of unimportant information so that you don’t get distracted from sensations and tasks that are a higher priority. When we are more fatigued, depressed, or depleted in some way, it is harder to subtract out unimportant sensations. There are many confirmed chronic pain mechanisms like central sensitization, or sensory amplification caused by nerve damage, but there is a category of pain patients who present with comorbidities of the following:
These disorders, along with chronic pain, are an indicator of the dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system. That means that the nerves, both going to (afferent) and from (efferent) the brain, are damaged in some way. Dysautonomia is often triggered by an infection like Mono or COVID-19. These patients are often told they are “functional” which in mainstream medicine often means “it's all in your head.” We have historically and continue to tell people with real illnesses that they are all made up because the medical field does not know how to treat them medically. We tell them it is something they are doing rather than something they have. More savvy practitioners know that functional means a problem with function rather than structure, i.e. a problem with the software, not the hardware. These patients, therefore, often end up in psychiatry and therapy. Psychiatry and therapy may help with some components of these illnesses, but in my experience, and according to Dr. Treisman, interdisciplinary support is needed for these patients to be successful. The following image represents the interconnectedness of the brain, immune system, gut microbiome, circulatory system, and gut-brain or enteric nervous system. This is a simplified model of how interconnected the brain and body really are. I love the quote from John Barnes: "Is the brain the innermost surface of the skin or the skin the outermost surface of the brain?” If something happens to any component in the system, all other components are affected on a spectrum. That means that someone’s gut microbiome disruption could cause significant migraines in some and minor migraines in others. This system is complex and still being studied with increasing interest. It’s easy to see how the siloed nature of the medical field can miss dysautonomia and other similar conditions since these conditions affect so many different systems at once. Here is another image provided by Dr.Treisman that describes the connection between systems and symptoms. He referred to this as his synthesis of the problem:
Dr. Treisman ends his talk by describing essential information to impart to dysautonomia clients:
Why did I bother writing this up? It is my belief that even as psychotherapists we need to consider differential diagnoses and advocate for our clients with other practitioners until the client sees an improvement in symptoms. Just because clients have been evaluated by medical professionals who have declared their issues to be “psychosomatic,” “functional,” or “all in their head” does not mean that this evaluation is correct. The way I handle this issue in my practice is I provide nervous systems regulation therapies, grief work, and parts work regardless of the medical situation. Nervous system regulation psychotherapy is never medically contraindicated and only helps clients become more resilient regardless of external factors. (*Nervous system regulation psychotherapies can be contraindicated due to certain psychodynamic factors like subpersonalities that do not want the patient to feel better, but that is not a topic that will be treated here.) However, nervous system regulation practices are not enough for many clients and they need medical support if they are to have substantial quality of life improvements. I have long believed that many clients need an interdisciplinary approach when it comes to complex psyche-soma presentations and I feel validated in my perspective by Dr Treisman. A final note: I disagree with Dr Treisman that someone is “well” if they are taking 6 - 12 medications to manage their condition. However, I do view taking medication to be superior to suffering unaided. If taking medication is a strategy that patients need to improve their quality of life, I’m all for it. I am still interested in the medical field at large working to discover ways to address these syndromes with increasingly less damaging interventions that have fewer side effects. I feel hopeful that people like Dr Treisman who promote interdisciplinary approaches are starting the process of uniting the medical field so that we can come up with more sophisticated less damaging treatment approaches. How you feel comes before your thoughts and behavior. This is a surprising notion for people who have a hard time feeling within. Even if you do not have a lot of sensation tied to your emotions or nervous system, you are still being affected by the activity of those systems. It behooves you to gain more access to sensations because, without them, it's like you're driving a car without a dashboard. You are making it down the road to your destination, but you do not know how fast the car is going or if it needs gas and maintenance. People who have more ease feeling within more readily understand this. However, if someone feels a lot of sensation but has a trauma history, they may have an overactive dashboard. The dashboard may tell you what the temperature and weather is like but it is reporting weather conditions from 10 years ago when there was a catastrophic blizzard rather than the current conditions through which you are driving. The body has certain irreducible and non-substitutable needs just like a car. If I put the wrong kind of oil in the car it will either damage it immediately or slowly over time, depending on how wrong the oil is. If I do not give it an oil change, I damage the car. If I drive it too little, damage can happen. If I drive it on the wrong terrain, damage will happen. If I keep it in a corrosive environment, it will wear out sooner. A car that is kept well runs well and can last a long time barring freak accidents. A dashboard that is well synched to the car will reflect how well the car is doing. Nervous system processes occur before you think or feel something. These nervous system processes determine the nature of the thoughts and feelings. The nervous system processes are a combination of the type and state of the car (basic nature of the person combined with a lifetime of experiences aka nurture) in response to the external event. If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, you are having a certain nervous system response. Let's say you were awakened in the middle of a dream where you were angry at someone and, therefore, you wake up angry. You feel tension in your forehead, a general sense of irritability, your movements are clumsy, and you easily come to frustration that has a kind of friction-in-your-chest feeling. These are the signal of your dashboard. Simple tasks like making coffee and doing the dishes from the night before feel like unfair burdens when normally they are grounding and centering parts of your routine. You may have a sense of feeling wronged and have thoughts about how this-or-that is unfair in your life. You may feel short with your family and you may dread going to work. If someone in this situation is knowledgeable and savvy they would recognize that they are in a sympathetic activation state in their nervous system, which means that their fight or flight system is activated. In this instance this person is in a state of a fight. They would know that in order to come back into balance, they would need to activate their parasympathetic nervous system which is another way of saying they need to calm down. There are many options someone has to choose from when it comes to creating calm. This person chooses to go on a walk and follow that with a cold shower. After their walk and cold shower, their heart feels warm and their body feels refreshed. The feeling of irritability falls away and they have a more resilient attitude towards the day ahead. Notice how this person did not do any talking nor did they do anything complex or special to come back into a balanced mood. The fastest way to come back into balance is to address the nervous system directly which means doing things that change the state of the body. In this example, the person uses exercise and cold exposure. Addressing the body to change nervous system states is as old as civilization. Cold exposure has been prescribed for psychiatric conditions potentially as far back as 3,500 BC (Edwin Smith Papyrus). Socrates points out the importance of physical exercise in Plato’s Theaetetus saying, “Is not the bodily habit spoiled by rest and idleness, but preserved for a long time by motion and exercise?” Cold exposure and exercise are only two items on a long list of proven options of nervous system regulation activities. Other activities include singing, humming, dancing, meditation, stretching, getting outside, receiving massage, drinking water, getting into connection with others, and so on. When we dance fast or slow, making big or small movements, regular or irregular, each quality we apply to the body affects how we feel. When we eat foods that work specifically well for our individual body, and when we eat those foods with other people, it has an effect. Going back to the example of the person who got up grumpy, if they had walked and showered before they did the dishes, the dishes would not have been irritating. Therefore, the dishes are not irritating, the person doing the dishes is irritable. This is a really simple example for something that can become complex when we start thinking about interpersonal interactions. Why is it that one person can demonstrate a lot of patience with “difficult” people and others have none? It's not that the dishes and dealing with difficult people aren't work but individuals have different experiences doing the work depending on the state of their nervous systems. In the image above an agitated and calm nervous system experiences the same event. The agitated person becomes rageful and the next 48 hours are ruined with anger. The calm person is disturbed but comes back to a baseline of calm within 20 minutes after dealing with the difficult experience. Therefore, having chronic nervous system activation puts individuals at a disadvantage because it sets them up for more pain and suffering that a situation warrants.
Basic nature needs to be accounted for as well. If you were born driving a sports car rather than an SUV, you need to stick to the race track rather than trying to go off-roading. If you know about and accept your car, you will make good choices about where to take the car and how to maintain it. If your car finds itself in unfavorable conditions and you have a reliable synched up dashboard, you can make good decisions about how to get your car back to safety and repair any damage that has occurred. The dictum “know thyself” was emblazoned on the Temple of Apollo at Delphi. Lao Tsu said “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.” When we stop imagining the self and instead relate to it as it is in the here and now, we access choice. No other relationship will ever give us as much choice as the relationship to the self. You have the power to shape your nervous system but first you must learn what the signals mean.
You can consult with experts to help you with your ignorance, confusion, and blind spots but you must take the ultimate responsibility for implementing the actions that make these changes. Do you ever get the feeling of overwhelm or like you're being swept away by an emotional reaction to an event or by life itself? Like a tidal wave, big sensations in the body and wild thoughts in the mind can feel like they are swallowing us whole; like our whole existence is this feeling; that it always has been and always will be. People tend to fear pain. Emotional pain can be just as bad as or worse than physical pain. Emotional pain is physical pain. When we have emotional distress bodies tighten, contorting the tissues into painful knots. A sense of darkness can befall the eyes and a hot metallic fear sears the lungs and face. You can “just get over” emotional pain to the same degree as you can physical pain. It really depends on the severity of the pain. Small pain you can “walk it off.” Big pain takes over your entire existence. Big pain was a common feeling for me throughout my young years. I desperately wanted to get past it but I just couldn't find the way. Life felt like a prison to endure. One day, I had a profound turning point in my experience of the world. At 17 years old, after a significant crisis, I remember standing in the office of a personal growth mentor suddenly feeling like I was looking down on myself and the scene. I felt giddy joy as I began to realize the context in which my pain occurs. I now understand that I gained access to Dual Awareness that day. I was still consumed by pain for long periods of time, but slowly I incorporated more and more of the ability to feel my feelings while simultaneously staying in touch with the context. Dual awareness typically refers to the ability to be aware of both internal experiences (such as thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations) and external stimuli (such as events happening around you) simultaneously. This term is often used in the context of therapy, particularly in approaches like dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) or mindfulness-based therapies like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy. Part of me is directly experiencing what is going on inside my body including sensations, movement impulses, and thoughts while another part of me acts as a Mindful Witnessing Observer (MWO). The MWO observes the inner sensations and external context with curiosity and openness. In therapy, dual awareness involves being able to observe and acknowledge your internal experiences without becoming overwhelmed by them, while also remaining attuned to the external environment. It's a skill that can be particularly helpful for those who struggle with being overtaken by emotions, as it allows them to maintain a balanced perspective and make more intentional choices in response to their experiences. In trauma therapy, we know that we cannot fully process trauma without the presence of dual awareness because, without it, we strengthen the traumatized neural pathway rather than creating a new metabolized experience.
Dual awareness can be cultivated through techniques like mindfulness meditation, where you practice observing your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them, while also remaining aware of their surroundings and the present moment. This can lead to increased emotional resilience and a greater sense of overall well-being. Whatever the reason you have for cultivating dual awareness, whether that is to deal with longstanding big pain or simply to increase your sense of wellbeing, you will most likely benefit from the practice. When I first began to have access to dual awareness I felt a major shift in my conscious awareness. While this shift ultimately proved to be beneficial, it was also somewhat confusing and disorienting being so new to me. I also had a tendency to forget to shift into dual awareness for years after. Eventually, I stopped forgetting so much and dual awareness became more of my default rather than something I had to remember. Practices like yoga and meditation helped me intentionally create a relationship with deal awareness but, ultimately, the most important thing was to learn to be in dual awareness throughout the ordinary moments of my days. The result for me has been a huge increase in a sense of trust, appreciation for life, more deliberate responding with less reactivity, and a more compassionate attitude towards myself and others. Habitual negative emotions can feel like old friends.
Negative emotions are like those old friends who show up uninvited. You know them well, even if you'd rather they didn't hang around. They pop up at the worst times, sometimes stick around for ages, and other times disappear as quickly as they arrived. Just when you think you've moved on, they come knocking again. When you’ve spent most of your life stuck in negative emotions, positive emotions can feel like a threat to your status quo. This gets even trickier if you live in a culture that thrives on negativity. The people around you might not know how to handle you when you’re not down in the dumps—when you’re not complaining, blaming, or feeling powerless. In a world that leans towards negativity, stepping out of that cycle can feel like stepping into the unknown, and that's scary as hell. But sometimes, the old friends you need to let go of are those habitual negative emotions holding you back. People sometimes feel that negative emotions signal depth and authenticity. This is especially true for those who grew up in cultures that worship positivity and shun negative emotions. In these environments, some individuals end up as “scapegoats,” carrying the weight of the negative emotions everyone else is trying to avoid. You start to believe—and often correctly—that everyone else feels the same negativity you do, but they're just faking it, pretending not to have any difficult emotions. People in this scenario can become deeply skeptical of positive emotions, seeing them as inherently fake and superficial. They might even feel like they’re betraying themselves or some ideal if they begin to embrace positive feelings. The result is a distrust of positivity altogether, making it hard to break out of the cycle of negativity. Negative emotions are not “bad.” Negative emotions can feel like old friends because, even though they suck, they remind us we’re human and life is complicated. Just like old friends, they teach us valuable lessons and offer insights into ourselves and our experiences. Both positive and negative emotions are messengers. It’s not about whether the emotion is positive or negative; it’s about the message it brings. The real issue starts when we label emotions as either good or bad and then cling to one type over the other. Just like outgrowing toxic friendships, we need to recognize when our attachment to certain emotions isn’t helping us anymore. It’s crucial to manage or let go of them in healthy ways, so we can live a more balanced life. Positive emotion can feel threatening for many reasons.
In many ways we can take this entire article and flip positive for negative. I discuss our cultural tendency to engage in emotional fixing and its consequences in the article PARTS DRAMA: EMOTIONAL PAIN AND THE URGENCY TO GET PAST IT. If you ever get the chance to embrace your full emotional range without dodging entire categories of feelings, you’ll realize that “positive” and “negative” emotions don’t really exist. Emotions are just messengers. Anger and sadness can actually feel satisfying if they align with your current situation and help you take the best course of action. When this happens, there’s a sense of reward. We stop labeling emotions as positive or negative and start judging based on how aligned we feel. Being in alignment feels strong and solid, even with so-called negative emotions. Being out of alignment feels off, even with positive emotions. And being out of alignment isn’t “bad.” It’s just more information for us. There’s a lot to learn from being out of alignment and finding our way back. Escaping the “good feeling/bad feeling” trap leads to emotional freedom. We can experience emotions as “just sensations in the body” that we don’t have to act on immediately but can use as guidance. Emotions don’t have to be overwhelming or take control when we learn to let them come and go without resistance. Once you master this emotional dance, you can handle resistance when it arises, knowing exactly what actions to take to clear that resistance and flow into right action. Expectations can cause a lot of suffering.
Expectations are the anticipated outcomes or behaviors that individuals have in mind regarding a particular situation, event, or person (including oneself). They can be based on past experiences, modeling absorbed in childhood, cultural norms, personal beliefs, or societal standards. Expectations influence how people perceive and interpret events, how they interact with others, and how they plan for the future. They can vary greatly from person to person and can have a significant impact on emotions, relationships, and decision-making. Expectations can cause suffering in several ways:
Closing thoughts: Learn to expect what is! Ask yourself “how is it that my expectations are out of alignment with reality?” Look around you, say facts, and be honest. You can expect to work, strive, and risk take for the duration of your life. You can expect that the outcome of your efforts remains unknown. You can expect that people will be imperfect. You can expect tragedy, rejection, and failure. None of this is your fault but it is your responsibility to decide how you want to relate to reality. Is that one person in your life always mean to you? Next time you see them, expect harshness. Is there a step-by-step process to achieving your goals? If you do not complete that process expect the goal to be unmet. Is there an irritating element in your career (e.g. documentation, phone calls with bureaucrats, etc.)? Embrace that element and create a sustainable ritual around it. Did your brilliant idea get rejected? The most successful people are often the most criticized. Another war? Par for the course for the human race. Most of us would love to see the end of war and human atrocity but acting surprised that we're at it again and imaging one is above it does not solve the problem. Notice places in life where you can let go of expectations and sit in the unknown. Much of life does not require expectations to be placed upon it. When you set a goal and do your best to move towards it using any means at your disposal, it is best to let go of the outcome. You may arrive at your vision or you may wind up in some other scenario with gifts and challenges you did not anticipate. Often people grasp on to an outcome because many of us have a fantasy of finitude; that somehow we will find the one thing that enables us to never have to work, strive, or risk take again. “The Unknown” or “Void” is a part a life. It is an existential reality faced by all humans. We all have a relationship to the unknown whether that relationship is in our awareness or not.
The concept of the unknown or the void often refers to areas of knowledge or existence that are not understood or are yet to be explored. It can represent the mysterious, the uncharted, or the unfathomable aspects of reality. In philosophy and spirituality, the void can also refer to a state of emptiness, potentiality, or the absence of form or structure. It's a concept that has intrigued thinkers and artists for centuries, inspiring exploration, contemplation, and creativity. Whether viewed as a source of fear, curiosity, or inspiration, the unknown and the void point to the vastness and complexity of the universe and our place within it. There are healthy and unhealthy ways of relating to the unknown. Unhealthy ways come from necessity at some point in the individual's story and are not to be judged negatively. However, it generally behooves one to grow past these original ways so that one's life becomes more enjoyable. Unhealthy ways include:
The most helpful relationship to the unknown is to recognize that we are always facing it and to allow its existence without trying to change it. Doing so opens us to the gifts of the unknown. Healthy ways to relate to the unknown include:
The first step to facing the unknown in a healthy way is to acknowledge that it is there and to sit with the discomfort you feel uniquely in your own body. What does sitting with the void feel like to you? Then allow yourself to breath, ground, or center yourself as you hangout with discomfort. Notice that you can feel discomfort and a sense of safety at the same time. Instead of filling the unknown, notice what emerges from it spontaneously. I could be a thought, emotion, sensation, image, or impulse to move. Sometimes an interesting event happens in your life. When something unexpected happens, you may feel vulnerable because it is unfamiliar. Acknowledge that something new is happening while at the same time acknowledging that you feel the vulnerable feelings of unfamiliarity. The more you grow accustomed to the vulnerable feelings of unfamiliarity the more flexible you will become with new and surprising things that emerge from the void. Practices of relating to the unknown like the one described above are so important in the journey to becoming good at and comfortable with change. The more comfortable you are with change, the more likely you will attain personal growth goals that you have for yourself. For example, let's say you've lived a life of emotional pain that stems from trauma. Since pain is all you've known, feel free and unencumbered is unknown territory for you. When you get a taste of emotional freedom, your system immediately retaliates by doubling down on the pain. The reason for this is that your system does not know how to exist unencumbered. Even though freedom from pain would feel really good, the fear of the unknown is the stronger motivator. Thus, to be able to live with emotional freedom, you must recognize and sort out your relationship to the unknown. Simply seeking positive emotional states is not enough because your system does not know how to live life in that mode. Is this you?
“Why can’t I just let go? The pain of my past and the world eat away at me. I’ve read everything and talked my face off, but I am still in so much pain.” Ending the pattern of suffering can be challenging, especially for people living with trauma. Sometimes, suffering is a habit learned by watching people around us as we grow up and move through life. People for whom this is the case break the pattern more easily. For people living with trauma, however, breaking the pattern is more challenging. What is the pattern of suffering? Life is full of pain. When a painful event happens, we feel difficult emotions. Painful events and difficult emotions, while unpleasant, are not suffering. Suffering is the prolonging and amplifying of the pain of an event. It happens for many reasons and is usually unconscious, i.e., not willful on the part of the sufferer. Grief is not the same as suffering. After a big loss, grief happens. Grief is the emotional response to loss, encompassing a range of feelings such as sadness, anger, and despair. It is often accompanied by physical symptoms like difficulty eating and heaviness in the body. Grief is a period of adapting to the absence of what has been lost, whether it be a person, relationship, or significant aspect of one's life. Suffering happens when someone can’t face reality and can’t learn to accept what is. Instead of allowing a grief process where emotional pain emerges for a period of time and then subsides, the one who suffers holds on to the painful event(s) or the shock of certain truths about the reality of being human and experiences the prolonging and even the increase of painful emotions. There are many reasons people have a hard time accepting reality: It is better not to: For children in abusive situations or who are experiencing a loss that is beyond their emotional capacity, it is actually better for them not to face reality. Defense mechanisms and coping strategies are perfect for children because they lack the emotional resilience to handle deeply disturbing situations. When these children become adults and have more choices, it behooves them to seek support in healing the trauma from the past so they can live from the present moment. Attachment to an Outcome: Sometimes, people get the idea that a particular outcome will make them feel fulfilled, whether that's a specific job, relationship, or chain of events. When the outcome they hope for does not materialize, the person can experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. If they continue to believe that only one outcome will make them happy, they may not see the abundance of alternatives at their disposal. Furthermore, they may miss what would actually deliver the feelings of fulfillment they seek, not realizing that the feeling of fulfillment is far more important than attaining a specific life situation that is “supposed to” provide fulfillment according to the individual or even to the larger cultural context they are in. Can't Handle It: Painful life events and conditions can sometimes feel overwhelming. When someone feels overwhelmed, they can feel exposed, disoriented, confused, and bewildered, which can bring on feelings of despair and powerlessness. I often hear clients say things like, “I can’t handle this” or “it’s too much,” referring to a current tragic event in their lives or when confronting elements of their trauma history. The truth is they can and often are “handling” it. When people say they “can’t handle it” they typically mean that the feeling inside is so intense that they fear they don't have what it takes. One may use defense mechanisms like avoidance and dissociation if one remains overwhelmed. When direct confrontation does not feel feasible, it is common to turn to some version of the flight response. This is the opposite of facing reality. Disappointing Compared to My Fantasy: Creating a fantasy life is a common defense tactic for children trapped in difficult family and community environments. People tend to bring their fantasy life with them into adulthood. Doing so can serve as a soothing mechanism for a time, but eventually, the fantasy life starts to cause more harm than good. People who rely on fantasy may eventually be pressed to see reality for what it is so that they can create genuine connections with themselves and others. The process of disillusionment can be painful and fraught with grief. Individuals going through the disillusionment process may experience periods of refusing to adjust their perceptions to reality, feeling rageful that the world is not as they wish, feeling helpless despair because it is as though reality is “defeating” the fantasy, and other extremely unpleasant moods and modes as they “discover” what is truly in front of them. No matter why a person has difficulty fully facing reality, choosing to do so prevents additional suffering. Working through barriers to acceptance can be a long and difficult process that can thwart people who cannot imagine the benefit of the outcome. Time and again, I have witnessed the necessity of faith at some point in the process. By faith, I mean choosing to believe without knowledge. I do not know if my commitment to disillusionment, facing reality, and learning to accept what is will pay off, but I believe that this is the best course of action and gives me the best chance at living a life free of suffering, though there will always be pain. This faith allows us to let go. I can let go of my fantasy, my past, my overwhelm, the outcome I expect, and anything else that burdens my experience of the present moment because I have faith that my bravery will deliver me to a version of reality that is right for me, one that I haven't even imagined for myself. Before I can have that, I must let go of everything that does not work anymore, no matter how familiar and painfully comforting. One is more resilient when one goes through life unencumbered, constantly working to shed outmoded patterns. One can “handle” more in-the-moment pain because one is not holding onto pain from the past. One is more flexible because one is not loyal to using familiar strategies only. Strength and flexibility together create resilience. Being resilient does not mean that pain is avoided or not felt. A resilient person will acknowledge when something is painful, feel the pain, and start working to accept what is as soon as possible. Then, once reality is accepted, the resilient person crafts a plan of response and follows through. The resilience process is not possible if we do not know how to let go or if our trauma is unprocessed. If simply changing your thoughts works for you, you probably do not have unprocessed trauma. People with unprocessed trauma need a long-term multipronged approach to learn to let go. Trauma is stored in the body/brain/nervous system. Receiving somatic therapy that targets the nervous system allows for a more biological kind of letting go. The charge of the original trauma dissipates through movement, tears, sweat, and other physiological responses. Once the charge is released, the nervous system has more freedom to work with the thoughts and belief system. A problem occurs for many people in that they do not know what they need and want. Wants are desires or preferences for things or experiences that enhance quality of life but are not essential for survival, while needs are necessities required for basic survival and well-being. Wants are optional and based on personal preferences, whereas needs are fundamental and universal requirements for sustaining life.
The following is a list of needs. Human needs can be categorized in various ways, and different models exist to describe them. One comprehensive framework often used is Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, proposed by psychologist Abraham Maslow in 1943. According to Maslow, human needs are organized into a hierarchy, with lower-level needs needing to be satisfied before higher-level needs become motivating factors. I disagree with his conceptualization somewhat because I have seen plenty of people including myself without lower order needs pursue higher order needs. Often, the pursuit of higher order needs enables the person to fill in the gap on lower order needs. I still appreciate his categories, however. Read through this "menu" of needs and identify which ones resonate with you the most. What do you have? What do you need more of? The hierarchy consists of five main categories: Physiological Needs: These are the most basic needs necessary for survival:
Safety Needs: Then individuals seek safety and security:
Love and Belongingness Needs: Then individuals seek love, affection, and belonging:
Esteem Needs: Then individuals seek self-esteem and the esteem of others:
Self-Actualization Needs: Finally, individuals seek self-actualization, the realization of one's potential and personal growth, including:
Beyond Maslow's Hierarchy, other frameworks and theories also identify additional human needs, including:
These needs may vary across individuals, cultures, and contexts, and they can evolve over time as circumstances change. Meeting these needs supports individuals in thriving and leading fulfilling lives. CONTENT WARNING: mention of violence here and there.
Misdeeds often have some amount of someone trying to "get away with it." Much of my life has been around groups of people diverse in many ways. Since I am trying to make sense of things, I seek out people who have vastly different experiences. You can't get at "truth" going around the same types of people. I seldom thought too much about “evil” or the spectrum of misdeeds because I tend to see the good in people no matter what “crimes'' they commit. As much as I'd like to believe in free will, there are times when one does not have the power to choose how one acts, especially when traumatized. My time volunteering with homeless populations and my therapy career brought a broad spectrum of clients and people served. I spent a great deal of time with people who have gone through the worst abuse and who have a lifetime of criminal convictions, often the same people. I have worked with people institutionalized for life due to schizophrenia. I've listened to the stories of cops, soldiers, and jail wardens. I've known high-status, high-paid professionals who were also deep into drugs. I've heard the meandering, excruciating, and exciting lives of high-end prostitutes who plan for the future with retirement accounts. I've known professional fighters, hunters, and business people. I've heard how they "got this close" to killing someone outside a restaurant, at a pigeon shoot, in a conference room. Their hands were around their throats, their gun pointed at their chest, their fists pummeling their body. "At the time," they say, "I felt like I was in the right." I've sat with the stories of victims of torture, genocide, and cults. Their captors always feel that they are in the right. They believe they "deserve to get away with it" because someone wronged them, and this person, these people, or the world should pay--because they are owed. I've spent so much time with "good" people, too. People who think that they "toe the line" and who look down on everyone else who has broken the rules. The good people are just as addicted to "getting away with it" as any criminal. I once was told by a diagnosed sociopath, "You good people always think you're so right." I think I get what he means now. Good people trick themselves into thinking that bad behavior is "out there" with the criminals and neglect to see their own addictions and misgivings. I know about "getting away with it" because I do it too. What does it mean to "get away with it?" "Getting away with it" means breaking rules or societal norms and not getting caught. In some groups, this can get wildly out of hand. I won't get specific to protect the sensitivity of my readers. When I began to encounter the victims of these groups was the first time I felt challenged in my perspective that people do not choose evil despite doing heinous things. These groups engage in cruelty combined with lavish luxury and creative genius. I could not fathom why someone or, unfortunately, large groups of people would bother to put so much effort and resources into such horrible behavior. For years, I worked to make this make sense. Now I understand that the root of the issue is the addiction to "getting away with it." "Getting away with it" can be addicting due to a combination of factors rooted in psychology and behavior. First, there's the thrill of breaking rules or societal norms, which can activate the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine and creating a sense of excitement or euphoria. This rush of positive emotion reinforces the behavior, making it more likely to be repeated in the future. Then, the feeling of outsmarting authority figures or societal expectations can boost one's sense of power and control, further fueling the desire to engage in the behavior again. Over time, this cycle can become a positive feedback loop, causing individuals to seek out increasingly risky or taboo activities in pursuit of that same rush of adrenaline and satisfaction. Ultimately, the addiction to "getting away with it" is an addiction to power. Like any addiction, such behaviors have negative consequences, both personally and socially, and ultimately lead to destructive outcomes, especially if left unchecked. All addictions have some element of an addiction to power and stem from the person feeling powerless on some level. Instead of addressing the underlying feeling of powerlessness, the person chooses to alleviate the pain and anxiety caused by powerlessness by doing something that represents power to themselves. Here are some examples of how people indirectly manage feelings of powerlessness:
When we engage in frequent "getting away with it," we have a secret life. That secret life is both exciting and stressful. It's exciting for the neurochemical reasons named above. We get to pretend like the rules don't apply to us. That life is stressful because, if caught, we would get into big trouble, feel shame, and have to deal with any consequences of our actions. To make matters worse, we probably didn't develop another way to deal with the pervasive feelings of powerlessness that we used the addiction to cope with in the first place. Learning to Take Responsibility and Delay Gratification "Getting away with it" is one of the earliest addictions we have access to if our caregivers worked to keep other addictive substances (excessive food, screentime, alcohol, etc.) away from us. All kids at some time experience the thrill of "getting away with it." Some kids have temperaments that want to do that all the time. Others are frightened by the prospect of getting in trouble and work hard to follow the rules out of fear. Learning to enjoy the balance of responsibility and rest comes with maturity, wisdom, and age. It does not make sense to the mind of a child that hard work, accountability, healthy enjoyment, and self-care create a genuinely fulfilling life because children operate so strongly on the pain/pleasure paradigm and experience the least amount of personal power. Whatever pain a child experiences is usually the worst pain of their life because they (hopefully) have had few experiences of pain. They want immediate relief and pleasure. It feels excruciating to put off the relief of pain or the experience of pleasure because they cannot understand why that would be in their best interest. If adults never assist children in learning to delay gratification, addiction is likely in their future. The positive feedback loop described in the above section can occur, causing the child to grow into an adult with increasingly intense and taboo appetites. A theme of addiction is instant gratification. Anything that provides instant gratification can lead to addictive behaviors. The opposite of instant gratification is delayed gratification, which involves forgoing immediate rewards in favor of greater rewards in the future. An example of this is taking the time to feel the pain of powerlessness that came from the past and noticing ways that one has power now instead of erasing the feeling of powerlessness with quick substitutes and "getting away with it." Addict Make Addicts Abuse and unfair or harsh child-rearing come from adults who experienced the same. Rarely does an adult who grew up in a household and community that struck the balance between nurturance and fair discipline go on to treat children with abuse and harshness. Abuse and harsh discipline occur when adults are unable to delay gratification and tolerate their own feelings of powerlessness. They erase their difficult feelings by lashing out, dominating, or manipulating the child. Sometimes, we must react quickly in dangerous situations to bring a child to safety. Abuse and harshness are different in that no danger is present that warrants a quick and firm reaction, or the adult overreacts regardless of the situation and thereby unnecessarily transfers pain to the child. Children primarily learn through modeling. Therefore, when adults treat children like this, they model instant gratification instead of thoughtfulness, care, wisdom, and maturity. Closing Thoughts The concept of "getting away with it" permeates various aspects of human behavior and is deeply intertwined with issues of power, responsibility, and addiction. Whether it's through illicit actions or subtle manipulations, the pursuit of immediate gratification at the expense of long-term consequences can lead individuals down a path of self-destructive behaviors. This addiction to power often stems from unresolved feelings of powerlessness and a lack of healthy coping mechanisms. Recognizing and addressing this cycle of instant gratification is crucial for personal growth and societal well-being. It requires learning to navigate the complexities of responsibility and delayed gratification, acknowledging the root causes of addiction, and breaking the cycle of harm perpetuated by past traumas. By fostering an environment that promotes accountability, empathy, and resilience, we can work towards a future where individuals are empowered to confront their challenges with integrity and compassion, thereby breaking the cycle of addiction. Regret is a feeling of sadness, disappointment, or remorse over something that has happened or that you did or didn't do. It often arises when we perceive that our actions or decisions have led to negative consequences or missed opportunities. Regret can vary in intensity, ranging from mild unease to profound remorse. It's a natural human emotion that can serve as a valuable learning experience, prompting us to reflect on our choices and motivating us to make better decisions in the future. However, dwelling excessively on regret is detrimental, leading to feelings of guilt, self-blame, and stagnation.
"Amor fati" is a Latin phrase that translates to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate" in English. The concept is attributed to the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who believed in embracing and accepting one's fate or destiny, regardless of its perceived positive or negative aspects. In "Why I Am So Clever" (Ecce Homo, section 10), he writes: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity." Rather than resenting or resisting the circumstances of life, Nietzsche proposed that individuals should cultivate a deep acceptance and appreciation for everything that happens, viewing each event as an essential part of the unfolding of one's existence. Amor fati encourages us to not only accept what happens but to actively love and affirm it, recognizing that every experience contributes to personal growth and resilience development. In essence, amor fati advocates for living life with an attitude of gratitude, finding beauty and meaning even in the face of adversity or hardship. It's about finding empowerment and liberation in embracing one's fate rather than feeling bound by it. The avoidance of regret is not, in fact, amor fati. Even the feeling of regret is fated. Avoiding feelings is rarely practical. Instead, truly facing reality means allowing the feeling of regret, like we would with any element of fate, without clinging to or enlarging it. Denying any feeling or event inside oneself is like trying to deny a mountain or the rain. Like a miner, we can shape our inner landscapes over time, but we cannot move away. You can build a quarry on your mountain or dredge out ship channel, but you cannot come down the mountain or escape the coast for higher ground if that is where you were planted. If you are more of a "rainy" person, or dry in nature, or like a small volcanic island, or flat and windy like the plains, you have different options depending on the landscape you were born with, but you cannot move away entirely. People who are really intense have to learn to guide the intensity. People who are laid back have to put themselves in environments that resonate. Movers gotta move, thinkers gotta think, feelers gotta feel, and so on. Thanks to becoming a parent, I've had the opportunity to be around more babies than ever. Babies have basic temperaments. A somewhat recent study has shown that much of a person's temperament stays the same over the lifespan, as well as having parts that can change. (Damian, R. I., Spengler, M., Sutu, A., & Roberts, B. (2018, August 16). Sixteen Going on Sixty-Six: A Longitudinal Study of Personality Stability and Change across 50 Years. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000210) You come into this world with a huge piece of your fate baked into your basic temperament. This is where self-knowledge is so important. Understanding your basic nature and how events in your life mold your original substrate opens the door for more intentional living and truly loving yourself. Love is a verb. We have a relationship with ourselves as much as we relate to others. To love yourself is to work to know yourself with care and compassion and then respond to your needs like someone you love. Some modes of being promote a beneficial experience for one person that doesn't work for another. The reason that the same circumstances work for one person and not another has to do with the nature of your original self. That original self is GIFTED to you. You did not select it on purpose. Get to know the original you and avoid comparing that to what seems popular or preferred. The mainstream, for example, loves certain temperaments. Those people will always be in the limelight. Avoid the temptation to think that the "limelight" is the place to be. I witness people bypass creating a life that works for them at times because they believe they will only feel love and connection if they are popular, extremely wealthy, “beautiful,”, or some other criteria without reflecting on whether those criteria actually work for them. There are infinite permutations of "the good life" on society's side roads, hamlets, and nooks and crannies. It is so important to explore your needs, wants, and values so that you can aim for what really suits you. Love your fate but also direct it. Know yourself so that you are aiming properly. Knowing what you are aiming for enables you to both accept and sculpt the landscape you've been given in an intentional way. As you grow, change, and stay the same, you will also feel difficult feelings. Sometimes they send you in a new direction, sometimes they signal change, sometimes they are just an energetic soundtrack of songs to be listened to and shared with others. I don’t believe in laziness. If someone (or you even) is behaving “lazily” and it is not in their best interest, it's better to get curious rather than passing judgment. Passing judgment can be described as “lazy.” *Kidding* But seriously…
Decreased Activity As a Defense What is often labeled as laziness may actually be a manifestation of various underlying factors such as unhelpful beliefs that come from developmental wounding, overwhelm, fear, dysregulation, and chronic freeze states. When we judge someone as lazy, we are shortcutting our own anxiety and frustration about the individual's situation. Time and again, I have worked with someone who calls themselves “lazy” just to find that they live with an entrenched dissociation pattern barricaded by a multilayered defense system that was once constructed for many good reasons. Beliefs and unspoken mandates regarding productivity and success are fertile grounds for wayward family and cultural dynamics that inspire such defensiveness. How convenient for unhealthy relational systems that the term "lazy" carries a negative connotation and implies a moral failing or character flaw. The “lazy” person then holds the harm and stigma, occupying the role of the scapegoat upon which others can project aspects of themselves of which they are fearful. Rather than working to understand the legitimate wound behind the “laziness,” the “lazy” person is judged, typecast, and at times discarded. That is not to say that someone’s avoidance and inactivity won’t become a problem. I believe that avoidance and inactivity is less likely to become entrenched if the person is met with curiosity rather than judgment and enabling as soon as the pattern emerges. An Adaptation to Systemic Oppression At the societal level, human behavior is highly influenced by environmental, social, and psychological factors. What may appear as laziness to an outsider could be a result of systemic issues such as poverty, lack of access to resources, the addictive nature of screens and highly palatable foods, or societal expectations from certain cultures. Rest and Inactivity is Healthy and Normal Furthermore, the idea of laziness often overlooks the importance of self-care, rest, and prioritizing mental and physical well-being. Taking breaks, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion are essential aspects of maintaining overall health and productivity. People who are fearful of rest might label healthy pausing and self-advocacy activities as lazy so they do not have to address the anxiety they feel when attempting to adopt those actions for themselves. Periods of inactivity are essential in certain contexts, even for people with healthy belief systems. While “laziness” is often associated with avoiding work or exerting effort, it may just be a sign that someone needs a break from the exertion or needs to engage in mental indexing. Mental indexing is the cognitive process of organizing and categorizing information in the mind for efficient retrieval and use. We need periods of lower sensory input for our brains to do this important job Taking breaks and allowing oneself to be "lazy" at times can be essential for mental and emotional well-being. Overworking or constantly pushing oneself without adequate rest can lead to burnout, stress, and decreased productivity. By listening to signals of fatigue or boredom and taking breaks as needed, individuals can maintain a healthier work-life balance and sustain long-term productivity and satisfaction. Powering Down for Survival In evolutionary terms, conserving energy was crucial for survival, particularly in environments where resources were scarce or unpredictable. In such situations, individuals who were able to prioritize rest and conserve energy when necessary were more likely to survive and pass on their genes. This reflects what we now understand about dorsal vagal activation aka hypoarousal. When someone has tried many ways to solve problems over a long period of time and has been unsuccessful due to no fault of their own, the nervous system may respond first by becoming overly activated, and then by falling into underactivation moving the person into a sort of dormant state. You especially see this in people who had long term developmental wounding in childhood or people who endured a long term traumatic experience in some form of isolation. Powering down to conserve resources and “waiting it out” is highly adaptive in such a scenario. "Lazy" = Innovative In a different context, “laziness,” or rather the tendency to find the path of least resistance, can prompt individuals to find more efficient or innovative ways to accomplish tasks, leading to increased productivity in the long run. When faced with a repetitive or mundane task, the desire to avoid unnecessary effort may drive individuals to seek out shortcuts, automation, or creative solutions to streamline their workflow. Doing so is in everyone’s best interest as long as this does not negatively affect the final product. Get Curious Therefore, rather than dismissing yourself or others as lazy, it is more constructive to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to get curious about what may be contributing to their behavior, whether contributing factors are adaptive or maladaptive. By reframing our understanding of laziness and focusing on support, encouragement, and addressing root causes, we can create a more effective and compassionate approach to human behavior. The following was inspired by the Oral/Compensated-Oral dynamics described by Wilhelm Reich as well as the Dependent Endearing/Self-Reliant strategies described by Ron Kurtz. Perhaps you avoid relying on others or, contrarily, have pushed people away by seeking help in an off-putting manner that drains your helpers. Relying on others in a healthy way involves creating strong connections while maintaining personal boundaries and a certain amount of self-sufficiency. Healthy Interdependence People can become chronically self-reliant due to wounding from the past. Through hurt, neglect, and betrayal, they develop beliefs such as “other people cannot be trusted.” The chronically self-reliant tries to go it alone because they fear that people will judge them or leave anyway. Chronic Self-Reliance For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a transformative process promoting personal growth and a sense of well-being. While self-reliance is often valued and celebrated, excessive independence can lead to loneliness, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. Learning to rely on others brings the benefits of mutual support, deeper connections, and shared experiences. Learning to trust and depend on others provides a sense of belonging, strengthens interpersonal relationships, and creates emotional resilience. It also provides opportunities for learning and growth, as one is exposed to different perspectives and skills imparted by others. Embracing interdependence can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life, where the burdens and joys are shared. For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a gradual process. Here are some steps to help transition towards a healthier reliance on others: Acknowledge the Need for Support: Learn to recognize and accept that everyone needs support at times. Acknowledge your own vulnerabilities and understand that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. If you are not accustomed to identifying needs or the idea that receiving support is healthy feels foreign, you may want to consult with a therapist or a coach. Start Small: Begin by seeking support in small, manageable situations. This could involve asking a friend for advice, assistance with a task, or simply sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone who has proven their reliability to you in other ways. Notice how you feel when you receive support. It's ok if it does not feel good at first. If it does not feel good, reflect on the exchange logically. If the other person did, in fact, show up for you in an honest and kind way, then reflect emotionally. Ask your self, "what is it about receiving good support feels bad to me? Does this feel familiar? What do I believe about receiving support?" Identify Trusted Individuals: Identify trustworthy and reliable people in your life. These could be friends, family members, or colleagues who have demonstrated maturity, consistency, and understanding in the past. It can be harder to identify solid people in your life because the human brain is biologically set up to focus on the bad. Identifying the good takes some effort. Communicate Your Needs: Practice clear communication about your needs and expectations. Start by communicating with yourself through journaling about your needs, wants, and expectations. You could also work through this with a therapist. Clearly express what kind of support you're seeking, and be open about your feelings and concerns. Work your way towards sharing this information with others. Build Reciprocal Relationships: Nurture relationships based on mutual support. When your time, energy, and resources are available, enthusiastically reciprocate when others need help, thereby creating a balanced and supportive dynamic. Find ways you can delegate to others so that they may experience the joy of helping you with something. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Notice any negative beliefs you may have about relying on others. Interdependence is a natural part of human relationships and does not diminish your independence. Get curious about where those negative beliefs came from. Do not try to eliminate those beliefs but don't feed into them either. Know Your Boundaries and Make Requests: Know what you are and aren’t willing to do and tolerate. Your body is a great resource for discovering your boundaries. Clearly communicate your boundaries and ask for what you need from others. Dr. Becky Kennedy defines boundaries as "what I am going to do and you don't have to do anything." She defines requests as "what I would like you to do but I can tolerate a 'no.'" For example:
Celebrate Vulnerability: View the ability to be vulnerable as a strength rather than a weakness. Sharing your vulnerabilities responsibly with safe others can deepen connections and promote empathy. This does not mean telling all of your deepest darkest secrets. Stating boundaries and making requests that come from your authentic needs and wants with the right people is a powerful form of vulnerability. Discussing an insecurity without trying to get someone else to fix it is vulnerable. For example:
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this process. You learned to be self-reliant due to cultural modeling and developmental wounding. Learning to rely on others is a process, and it's okay to take small steps at your own pace. Notice how your pain shows up in your body each time you try something you have been avoiding. Reflect on Positive Experiences: It can be hard for the chronically self-reliant to acknowledge that good things have come from interdependence. Make an effort to reflect on positive experiences where relying on others had positive outcomes. Use these instances to reinforce the feeling that seeking support can lead to positive results. Remember, noticing the positive opposes the natural tendency of the human brain to seek out and confirm the negative. Breaking the habit of chronic self-reliance is a gradual process, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Celebrate your progress and be patient with yourself as you work towards interdependence. People who are chronically dependent were also wounded like the chronically self-reliant. They may fear abandonment believing they will be judged for having needs. In response, they create a hook by remaining dependent and appearing to need more from others than they actually do to keep others around because they do not believe that others will stay if they are their authentic, autonomous selves. Chronic Over-Dependence Learning independence can strengthen the relationships of the chronically dependent by encouraging healthier dynamics built on mutual respect, trust, and interdependence. As individuals develop a greater sense of self-reliance and autonomy, they become better equipped to contribute to their relationships in meaningful ways. By taking responsibility for their own well-being and pursuing personal growth, they develop their contribution to a give-and-take dynamic.
As they gain confidence in their abilities to handle life's challenges independently, they are more likely to engage in relationships from a place of strength rather than neediness or dependence. Instead of collapsing onto others they receive assistance. Instead of always looking outside of themselves, they find ways to provide input from their own skills and experience while receiving help from others at the appropriate times. This shift can lead to more authentic connections, increased emotional intimacy, and a stronger sense of partnership, as both parties are able to support each other's growth while maintaining their individual identities. Learning some independence enables the chronically dependent to build stronger, more sustainable relationships grounded in mutual empowerment and shared values. For those who feel like their reliance and dependency has overwhelmed others, here are some tips for balancing their relationship to autonomy and interdependence: Build Trust: Establish trust with the people you rely on. Building rapport along with open and honest communication is essential. Rapport is built through genuine interest in others and mentalizing them (concept coined by Peter Fonagy). Mentalizing is understanding and interpreting the thoughts, emotions, and intentions of oneself and others simultaneously. Be reliable yourself to build a foundation of trust in your relationships. Identify Boundaries and Make Clear Requests: Make clear requests regarding your needs when seeking help, and be specific about the support you're looking for. At the same time, identify and respect the boundaries of others. It's important to strike a balance between giving and receiving support without overwhelming or becoming overly dependent on someone. It is essential to be able to name your needs and wants because that is what boundaries are made of. See the same section above in the chronically self-reliant part for examples. Diversify Support Networks: Don't rely solely on one person for all your needs. Cultivate a diverse support network, including friends, family, and possibly professional support, so that you have different sources of assistance. This can be difficult if you have social anxiety but also a crucial skill to develop so as to avoid codependency. When there is a draw towards codependency there is often a wish that at least one other person will know you as well as you can know yourself. The reality is that only you can know yourself the most. When you take responsibility for knowing yourself as much as possible and being your greatest ally, having a large group of people who know parts of you will feel supportive and useful rather than overwhelming, irritating, and disappointing. Develop Self-Sufficiency: While relying on others is healthy, it's equally important to cultivate self-sufficiency. Strengthen your skills, independence, and resilience so that you can navigate challenges on your own when necessary. Ask for help but always have a plan-B. Never expect that others will be able to support you, even if they yearn to. It is wonderful when they can, but crucial to be willing and able to go it alone when necessary. Many things in life are outside of our control. We regain a sense of strength, control, and stability by identifying and taking responsibility for things that are in our control. Respect Others: Expecting individuals who appear stronger than you to rescue you simply because you perceive yourself as weaker can lead to alienation, as it overlooks the effort and struggles that contribute to their accumulated strength. This perception may leave them feeling disrespected, potentially leading to them reject your bids for help. Instead, get curious and ask if they will show you what steps they took to learn resilience. Then, go and try those steps for yourself. Act on their advice. People who worked hard to get where they are often love to help others achieve the same things. If you chronically ask for advice without following it, the sturdy other will eventually tire of your lack of follow though and stop trying to help you. Reciprocity: Learn how to reciprocate and support others when they need it. Healthy relationships involve a give-and-take dynamic. Supporting others provides a sense of empowerment and self-efficacy to you, the helper. Practice Gratitude: This one is so important! Acknowledge and appreciate the support you receive. Gratitude fosters positive feelings and strengthens your connections with others. The human brain is calibrated to notice and confirm the negative. Gratitude and a realistically optimistic outlook take practice because you are going against the grain of evolution. Seek Professional Help and Process Unresolved Trauma: For certain challenges, seeking professional assistance from therapists, counselors, or support groups can provide specialized help and guidance. Becoming more independent may feel extra scary if you are viewing the world through the lens of trauma. Regularly Check-In: Expect change and learn to be flexible. Regularly assess your support system and relationships as the flow of life brings change. Make adjustments as needed and communicate openly about any changes in your and others expectations or needs. Maintain Independence: While relying on others, remember the importance of maintaining your own identity and pursuing personal goals by avoiding enmeshment. Enmeshment involves overly altering your wants and needs to fit in with others, excessively relying on others to regulate your emotions, and a lack of a sense of self for whom you advocate. Healthy interdependence doesn't mean losing sight of your individuality. By becoming excellent at healthy communication, learning about your and others boundaries, and appreciating the value of both giving and receiving support, you can create positive and balanced relationships with others. Just like the chronically self-reliant, becoming more independent after relying on dependency takes time. Be patient with yourself as you face your fears and challenge yourself to do more things on your own. Healthy Interdependence is ideal because it emphasizes collaboration, leading to stronger relationships and greater resilience. By recognizing and leveraging our own and other's strengths and resources, interdependence allows individuals and communities to achieve goals more efficiently and effectively than they could independently or with one person overly taking responsivity for another. Interdependence encourages personal growth and evolution by enabling the exchange of perspectives and skills between people. It is through this mutual exchange between autonomous individuals that deep connection and trust is cultivated, allowing for lives characterized by better mental and physical health. I’ve had responsibility on my mind lately. It is not a popular topic but I wish it were. I believe it is only unpopular because it is misunderstood. The healthiest, happiest people take responsibility while also recognizing their interdependency needs. To take responsibility means to own the consequences of your decisions and actions that you make within the actual limits of your power. That means one must assess with accuracy how much power you have and within what zone of influence. The practice of responsibility requires intellectual rigor, facing fears and shame, learning to self regulate, and, often, the need to process trauma and developmental wounding. “Limbic friction” comes into play (Huberman, 2022, ep.53). Limbic friction is when emotional tension arises because there is a mismatch between one's internal emotional responses and external expectations or demands. For example, you are trying to accomplish a task and get bored. You push through the limbic friction of boredom and complete the task anyway. Here are some voices from the past on the matter: What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements. ― Anais Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934 Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility. ― Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so. ― Noam Chomsky A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury. ― John Stuart Mill, On Liberty Once you realize we all have the ultimate duty & responsibility to ourselves to be the best we can regardless of the situation that lies in front of us, that is when your sacrifice will no longer feel like a sacrifice. ― David Goggins, Feb 25, 2021 Taking responsibility is the path to acquiring all the qualities that any human wants in life: safety, security, belonging, agency, gratitude, joy, confidence, etc. When we pursue excessive material things, fame, superiority, rescuing, blame (different from holding people accountable), and so on, we are trying to make a shortcut to the things that we really want. If we stop playing the game of shortcuts, we get to work on actualizing that which we really desire.
Take responsibility for what is in your control.
Never take responsibility for anything that is not in your control:
Identify what is not in your control and let it go. Free yourself to focus on what is in your control. The price of making choices is responsibility. Responsibility is learned like any other skill. Once you get good at responsibility, you will enjoy it. Taking responsibility will feel good, right, safe, and secure once you get used to it. It's ok to feel emotional as you take responsibility, even VERY emotional. Your body is your ally when navigating responsibility. You can learn to work with your body to regulate your emotions. When you are out of alignment you will feel “sorry” as in a “sorry state.” You will feel disheveled and needing repair. When you are in alignment you will feel strong and settled. You will still feel the unknown, however. Taking responsibility does not end the unknown or elements in life that are out of your control. Taking responsibility does not prevent loss. It especially does not guarantee that everyone will like you. It will attract other responsible people and repel those who fear being responsible. You will feel lonely at times taking responsibility. Eventually, you will trust yourself so much that you will generally feel curious about the future but seldom fearful of it. Making mistakes will still be somewhat painful but will not feel final or like you can't recover. You will not wait around for others to take responsibility for their actions. You will see how they act and choose what you will do for yourself, assuming they will not change. Taking responsibility can be a long process but ultimately it leads to the creation of the life you want within the unavoidable existential limitations inherent in life. Clients often come to me desperate to fix their trauma immediately. I get it—I’ve been there. I was in such a state of emergency that I was shocked when therapists didn't share my sense of urgency and didn’t rush to see me that very day for a miraculous cure.
Once I did find a therapist, I struggled during sessions. Part of me understood that I had to leave after the hour, but another part was terrified at the thought of being sent back into the world in my "dangerously fragile state." I couldn't see my own capabilities because my pain completely consumed my awareness. The pain was so overwhelming that my "firefighter" (using Internal Family Systems language) always felt like the “patient” was bleeding out and needed crisis-level care constantly. Now, I understand that my firefighter is my amygdala, which had been trained to be overly activated by various factors throughout my childhood and adolescence. Inside, I had a drama playing out between my pain and my fear of that pain. The pain needed time and understanding—something it was regularly deprived of when I needed it most. The fear of pain came from the reactions of adults around me who rushed me through my feelings or denied them altogether. We live in a culture that overly fears emotions and instincts. When adults rush kids through their feelings or label them "bad" for expressing natural emotions, kids learn to believe their emotions and instincts are dangerous. It’s as if adults think they must change their plans if they validate a child's emotions. But as Dr. Becky Kennedy says, it’s the child’s job to feel and the adult’s job to validate those feelings while maintaining boundaries. For example, if a child is frustrated because they can’t have a cookie before dinner, an adult can acknowledge the frustration and disappointment while still holding the boundary that cookies are for after dinner. The child's emotions may escalate, but the adult maintains the boundary without denying the feelings or making them wrong. Kids learn what to fear by watching the adults around them. I see adults in my life now denying, dismissing, and urgently trying to soothe their own and others' pain. This sends a message to children that their pain is bad and needs to be eliminated, leading them to believe, "I’m bad and need to be gotten rid of." This core of shame—feeling shunned or exiled—is life-threatening, especially for children, causing their amygdala to go into overdrive. Children in this situation aren’t being abused, but the result of this unconscious behavior undermines their sense of self, making it hard to feel confident. Many of my privileged clients ask, “How can I feel so bad when I’m so privileged, especially when I wasn’t obviously abused in any way?” This is how—being the subject of chronic emotional fixing. Pain is a part of life and cannot be eliminated. Most children learn to abandon themselves when they feel pain because the adults around them abandoned the child's pain repeatedly. As adults, these children continue the cycle, abandoning themselves and others whenever an emotion other than happy contentment arises. Henry David Thoreau's quote, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation," originally applied to rampant materialism. But what drives materialism and addiction? I believe it’s the abandonment of inner pain and the diamonds within that rejected rough. We know ourselves not primarily by what we think but by how we feel and respond to those feelings. Choice requires the accumulation of skills. If all we’ve been shown is abandonment when emotion arises, how can we choose differently? Sadly, the adult child of emotional abandonment must seek help to learn how to handle emotions flexibly. When our emotional pain is rejected, our inner guidance system is scrambled. Emotional pain is the beginning of learning and growth. When these processes are shut down, so is our vitality. I now understand that my pain was partly tied to the emotional learning and growth I was denied as a child—not just by my parents but by all the adults around me. There was nowhere to turn because all those adults had been abandoned too, simply repeating the cycle. My desire to learn and grow emotionally was like a volcano wanting to explode. My fear and confusion turned into urgency and panic whenever I felt an unwelcome emotion. If you resonate with what I’m saying, your urgency might be the fear of denied and rejected childhood emotions. People ready to work on their wounding face a dilemma: they need to address the feelings but are trained to fear them. When you sense urgency, cultivate curiosity to see if the urgency is relevant. Often, it’s a firefighter part wanting to fix the emergency now, believing we can’t handle the pain and must get rid of it quickly. We need to give this part presence, validation, and understanding. To do that, we must stop identifying with the urgency and create enough space to be with it. The Satisfaction Cycle and Sensitivity Cycle are common frameworks used in somatic therapy. The Satisfaction Cycle reflects how engaging in the environment shows up developmentally and somatically and discusses ways that developmental wounding disintegrates these five actions. The Sensitivity Cycle provides a similar schema and exploration but focuses on how direct action differs from adapted indirect action. Each schema discusses ways barriers or blocks can appear at each stage of the cycle and recognizes that each barrier and block comes from some form of wounding and subsequent adaptation. The Satisfaction Cycle from Body Mind Centering The Satisfaction Cycle is a guiding principle within Body Mind Centering, intertwining physical movements with the developmental stages that shape our early years. Rooted in the simplicity of infancy, this cycle manifests through five core movements: yield, push, reach, grasp, and pull. In this exploration, we note key points of each phase and contemplate its impact on our internal experiences as adults. YIELD: Receiving Support with Presence Yielding is relaxing into gravity and the support of the chair, bed, or ground as you sit, lay down, or stand. Like a loved infant, you fully trust what holds you, melting into your container. You are present but your awareness is soft, oceanic, and expansive. You consciously enjoy this held feeling with a sense of gratitude. You do not feel stuck, trapped, or frozen as in a collapse or resistance state. Rather, you feel that you can rest and connect here until you feel ready to use this surface as a sturdy base from which to launch in a graceful, integrated way. Without the trust of the yield all other movements are compromised.
PUSH: Grounding, Knowing and Asserting the Self Pushing refers to how the body interacts with gravity and the sturdy base. It involves pressing body parts into supporting surfaces, which creates a compression in the tissues, bones, and joints. Pushing represents the internal awareness of ourselves and asserts our separate sense of self, laying the groundwork for setting boundaries. Lack of boundaries or overly rigid defenses can emerge if independence was either rushed or thwarted.
REACH: Toward Space, Levity, and Desire Reaching is the body’s relationship to space. Reaching brings our attention to what is external to the body and the self. It uses the support of the sturdy base and the strength of the push to create lightness and buoyancy in body parts as they extend out into the world. Reaching lengthens muscles and tissues, supporting the ability to say "yes" and move toward desires. Without yield and push (trust and strength) the reach can become frantic, compulsive, restricted, or confused. Examples of this are people pleasing, not pursuing your own wants and needs, feeling unable to identify someone you want to connect with, and not knowing how to take initiative.
GRASP: Actualizing Desires, Learning, and Achieving Goals Having mastered yield, push, and reach, we enter the grasp phase. This stage involves actualizing our desires, taking responsibility, and integrating knowledge. It symbolizes a deep understanding that allows us to actualize our inner authenticity in the external world and marks part one of the culmination of the satisfaction cycle. Without the support of yield, push, and reach (trust, strength, and agency) grasping (effectiveness) is elusive. In that case, grasping can become like binging food or television long after satiety, or neurotic perfectionism where one never allows the project to be done, or getting the promotion but avoiding the learning and responsibility that goes with it, or reading a lot of self-help books but never putting the the advice into practice, or receiving a proper apology with a behavior change but continuing to resent the person who apologized.
PULL: The Moment of Transformation The pull phase completes the cycle, bringing us back to yield. As we pull what we desire towards us, we enter a state of enjoyment and gratitude, reflecting on our achievements. Pull is a stage of transformation. Knowledge becomes wisdom, responding becomes an outcome, food is assimilated into the body, work becomes a product, an apology becomes a repair, a promotion becomes a fulfilling wonderland of challenge and growth. Accepting what has been received or accomplished readies us for a new cycle or interest.
Thus the action yield, push, reach, grasp, and pull work together building a foundation of trust upon which flexible strength can develop, which lends itself to the lightness of desire that ignites our effective action in the world that provides results that foster enjoyment and gratitude which in turn creates more trust and stability. Mastering the Satisfaction Cycle create a positive feedback loop that leads to fulfillment, connection, and abundance. The Sensitivity Cycle and the Barriers to Aliveness
Invented by Ron Kurtz, the Sensitivity Cycle is a central theory of the Hakomi Method, attempting to explain the intricate ways in which individuals perceive, process, and navigate their experiences. When the sensitivity cycle functions optimally it presents as a harmonious interplay of four key elements.
A seamless synergy of these four elements cultivates a sense of flow in one's life. However, due to developmental wounding, trauma, and the adaptations that follow, there exists the potential for getting "stuck" in unhealthy patterns or situations that can be thought of as barriers at one or more of the stages of this cycle.
Regardless of the specific barrier type, a core belief persists that you cannot directly ask for or obtain what you want or need. This deeply embedded belief that came from long ago, usually childhood, influences your ability to act in relationships and the world. Instead of being direct, you develop complex strategies aimed at fulfilling your wants or needs. However, despite your efforts, these strategies consistently fail to get you what you want and need, leading to ongoing frustration, disappointment, and deprivation. |
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AuthorProsopon Therapy Archives
July 2024
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