Regret is a feeling of sadness, disappointment, or remorse over something that has happened or that you did or didn't do. It often arises when we perceive that our actions or decisions have led to negative consequences or missed opportunities. Regret can vary in intensity, ranging from mild unease to profound remorse. It's a natural human emotion that can serve as a valuable learning experience, prompting us to reflect on our choices and motivating us to make better decisions in the future. However, dwelling excessively on regret is detrimental, leading to feelings of guilt, self-blame, and stagnation.
"Amor fati" is a Latin phrase that translates to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate" in English. The concept is attributed to the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who believed in embracing and accepting one's fate or destiny, regardless of its perceived positive or negative aspects. In "Why I Am So Clever" (Ecce Homo, section 10), he writes: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity." Rather than resenting or resisting the circumstances of life, Nietzsche proposed that individuals should cultivate a deep acceptance and appreciation for everything that happens, viewing each event as an essential part of the unfolding of one's existence. Amor fati encourages us to not only accept what happens but to actively love and affirm it, recognizing that every experience contributes to personal growth and resilience development. In essence, amor fati advocates for living life with an attitude of gratitude, finding beauty and meaning even in the face of adversity or hardship. It's about finding empowerment and liberation in embracing one's fate rather than feeling bound by it. The avoidance of regret is not, in fact, amor fati. Even the feeling of regret is fated. Avoiding feelings is rarely practical. Instead, truly facing reality means allowing the feeling of regret like we would with any element of fate without clinging to or enlarging it. Denying any feeling or event inside oneself is like trying to deny a mountain or the rain. Like a miner, we can shape our inner landscapes over time, but we cannot move away. You can build a quarry on your mountain or dredge out ship channel, but you cannot come down the mountain or escape the coast for higher ground if that is where you were planted. If you are more of a "rainy" person, or dry in nature, or like a small volcanic island, or flat and windy like the plains, you have different options depending on the landscape you were born with, but you cannot move away entirely. People who are really intense have to learn to guide the intensity. People who are laid back have to put themselves in environments that resonate. Movers gotta move, thinkers gotta think, feelers gotta feel, and so on. Thanks to becoming a parent, I've had the opportunity to be around more babies than ever. Babies have basic temperaments. A somewhat recent study has shown that much of a person's temperament stays the same over the lifespan, as well as having parts that can change. (Damian, R. I., Spengler, M., Sutu, A., & Roberts, B. (2018, August 16). Sixteen Going on Sixty-Six: A Longitudinal Study of Personality Stability and Change across 50 Years. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000210) You come into this world with a huge piece of your fate baked into your basic temperament. This is where self-knowledge is so important. Understanding your basic nature and how events in your life mold your original substrate opens the door for more intentional living and truly loving yourself. Love is a verb. We have a relationship with ourselves as much as we relate to others. To love yourself is to work to know yourself with care and compassion and then respond to your needs like someone you love. Some modes of being promote a beneficial experience for one person that doesn't work for another. The reason that the same circumstances work for one person and not another has to do with the nature of your original self. That original self is GIFTED to you. You did not select it on purpose. Get to know the original you and avoid comparing that to what seems popular or preferred. The mainstream, for example, loves certain temperaments. Those people will always be in the limelight. Avoid the temptation to think that the "limelight" is the place to be. I witness people bypass creating a life that works for them at times because they believe they will only feel love and connection if they are popular, extremely wealthy, “beautiful,”, or some other criteria without reflecting on whether those criteria actually work for them. There are infinite permutations of "the good life" on society's side roads, hamlets, and nooks and crannies. It is so important to explore your needs, wants, and values so that you can aim for what really suits you. Love your fate but also direct it. Know yourself so that you are aiming properly. Knowing what you are aiming for enables you to both accept and sculpt the landscape you've been given in an intentional way. As you grow, change, and stay the same, you will also feel difficult feelings. Sometimes they send you in a new direction, sometimes they signal change, sometimes they are just an energetic soundtrack of songs to be listened to and shared with others.
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April 2024
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