Is this you?
“Why can’t I just let go? The pain of my past and the world eat away at me. I’ve read everything and talked my face off, but I am still in so much pain.” Ending the pattern of suffering can be challenging, especially for people living with trauma. Sometimes, suffering is a habit learned by watching people around us as we grow up and move through life. People for whom this is the case break the pattern more easily. For people living with trauma, however, breaking the pattern is more challenging. What is the pattern of suffering? Life is full of pain. When a painful event happens, we feel difficult emotions. Painful events and difficult emotions, while unpleasant, are not suffering. Suffering is the prolonging and amplifying of the pain of an event. It happens for many reasons and is usually unconscious, i.e., not willful on the part of the sufferer. Grief is not the same as suffering. After a big loss, grief happens. Grief is the emotional response to loss, encompassing a range of feelings such as sadness, anger, and despair. It is often accompanied by physical symptoms like difficulty eating and heaviness in the body. Grief is a period of adapting to the absence of what has been lost, whether it be a person, relationship, or significant aspect of one's life. Suffering happens when someone can’t face reality and can’t learn to accept what is. Instead of allowing a grief process where emotional pain emerges for a period of time and then subsides, the one who suffers holds on to the painful event(s) or the shock of certain truths about the reality of being human and experiences the prolonging and even the increase of painful emotions. There are many reasons people have a hard time accepting reality: It is better not to: For children in abusive situations or who are experiencing a loss that is beyond their emotional capacity, it is actually better for them not to face reality. Defense mechanisms and coping strategies are perfect for children because they lack the emotional resilience to handle deeply disturbing situations. When these children become adults and have more choices, it behooves them to seek support in healing the trauma from the past so they can live from the present moment. Attachment to an Outcome: Sometimes, people get the idea that a particular outcome will make them feel fulfilled, whether that's a specific job, relationship, or chain of events. When the outcome they hope for does not materialize, the person can experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. If they continue to believe that only one outcome will make them happy, they may not see the abundance of alternatives at their disposal. Furthermore, they may miss what would actually deliver the feelings of fulfillment they seek, not realizing that the feeling of fulfillment is far more important than attaining a specific life situation that is “supposed to” provide fulfillment according to the individual or even to the larger cultural context they are in. Can't Handle It: Painful life events and conditions can sometimes feel overwhelming. When someone feels overwhelmed, they can feel exposed, disoriented, confused, and bewildered, which can bring on feelings of despair and powerlessness. I often hear clients say things like, “I can’t handle this” or “it’s too much,” referring to a current tragic event in their lives or when confronting elements of their trauma history. The truth is they can and often are “handling” it. When people say they “can’t handle it” they typically mean that the feeling inside is so intense that they fear they don't have what it takes. One may use defense mechanisms like avoidance and dissociation if one remains overwhelmed. When direct confrontation does not feel feasible, it is common to turn to some version of the flight response. This is the opposite of facing reality. Disappointing Compared to My Fantasy: Creating a fantasy life is a common defense tactic for children trapped in difficult family and community environments. People tend to bring their fantasy life with them into adulthood. Doing so can serve as a soothing mechanism for a time, but eventually, the fantasy life starts to cause more harm than good. People who rely on fantasy may eventually be pressed to see reality for what it is so that they can create genuine connections with themselves and others. The process of disillusionment can be painful and fraught with grief. Individuals going through the disillusionment process may experience periods of refusing to adjust their perceptions to reality, feeling rageful that the world is not as they wish, feeling helpless despair because it is as though reality is “defeating” the fantasy, and other extremely unpleasant moods and modes as they “discover” what is truly in front of them. No matter why a person has difficulty fully facing reality, choosing to do so prevents additional suffering. Working through barriers to acceptance can be a long and difficult process that can thwart people who cannot imagine the benefit of the outcome. Time and again, I have witnessed the necessity of faith at some point in the process. By faith, I mean choosing to believe without knowledge. I do not know if my commitment to disillusionment, facing reality, and learning to accept what is will pay off, but I believe that this is the best course of action and gives me the best chance at living a life free of suffering, though there will always be pain. This faith allows us to let go. I can let go of my fantasy, my past, my overwhelm, the outcome I expect, and anything else that burdens my experience of the present moment because I have faith that my bravery will deliver me to a version of reality that is right for me, one that I haven't even imagined for myself. Before I can have that, I must let go of everything that does not work anymore, no matter how familiar and painfully comforting. One is more resilient when one goes through life unencumbered, constantly working to shed outmoded patterns. One can “handle” more in-the-moment pain because one is not holding onto pain from the past. One is more flexible because one is not loyal to using familiar strategies only. Strength and flexibility together create resilience. Being resilient does not mean that pain is avoided or not felt. A resilient person will acknowledge when something is painful, feel the pain, and start working to accept what is as soon as possible. Then, once reality is accepted, the resilient person crafts a plan of response and follows through. The resilience process is not possible if we do not know how to let go or if our trauma is unprocessed. If simply changing your thoughts works for you, you probably do not have unprocessed trauma. People with unprocessed trauma need a long-term multipronged approach to learn to let go. Trauma is stored in the body/brain/nervous system. Receiving somatic therapy that targets the nervous system allows for a more biological kind of letting go. The charge of the original trauma dissipates through movement, tears, sweat, and other physiological responses. Once the charge is released, the nervous system has more freedom to work with the thoughts and belief system.
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AuthorProsopon Therapy Archives
April 2024
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