The following was inspired by the Oral/Compensated-Oral dynamics described by Wilhelm Reich as well as the Dependent Endearing/Self-Reliant strategies described by Ron Kurtz. Perhaps you avoid relying on others or, contrarily, have pushed people away by seeking help in an off-putting manner that drains your helpers. Relying on others in a healthy way involves creating strong connections while maintaining personal boundaries and a certain amount of self-sufficiency. Healthy Interdependence People can become chronically self-reliant due to wounding from the past. Through hurt, neglect, and betrayal, they develop beliefs such as “other people cannot be trusted.” The chronically self-reliant tries to go it alone because they fear that people will judge them or leave anyway. Chronic Self-Reliance For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a transformative process promoting personal growth and a sense of well-being. While self-reliance is often valued and celebrated, excessive independence can lead to loneliness, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. Learning to rely on others brings the benefits of mutual support, deeper connections, and shared experiences. Learning to trust and depend on others provides a sense of belonging, strengthens interpersonal relationships, and creates emotional resilience. It also provides opportunities for learning and growth, as one is exposed to different perspectives and skills imparted by others. Embracing interdependence can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life, where the burdens and joys are shared. For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a gradual process. Here are some steps to help transition towards a healthier reliance on others: Acknowledge the Need for Support: Learn to recognize and accept that everyone needs support at times. Acknowledge your own vulnerabilities and understand that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. If you are not accustomed to identifying needs or the idea that receiving support is healthy feels foreign, you may want to consult with a therapist or a coach. Start Small: Begin by seeking support in small, manageable situations. This could involve asking a friend for advice, assistance with a task, or simply sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone who has proven their reliability to you in other ways. Notice how you feel when you receive support. It's ok if it does not feel good at first. If it does not feel good, reflect on the exchange logically. If the other person did, in fact, show up for you in an honest and kind way, then reflect emotionally. Ask your self, "what is it about receiving good support feels bad to me? Does this feel familiar? What do I believe about receiving support?" Identify Trusted Individuals: Identify trustworthy and reliable people in your life. These could be friends, family members, or colleagues who have demonstrated maturity, consistency, and understanding in the past. It can be harder to identify solid people in your life because the human brain is biologically set up to focus on the bad. Identifying the good takes some effort. Communicate Your Needs: Practice clear communication about your needs and expectations. Start by communicating with yourself through journaling about your needs, wants, and expectations. You could also work through this with a therapist. Clearly express what kind of support you're seeking, and be open about your feelings and concerns. Work your way towards sharing this information with others. Build Reciprocal Relationships: Nurture relationships based on mutual support. When your time, energy, and resources are available, enthusiastically reciprocate when others need help, thereby creating a balanced and supportive dynamic. Find ways you can delegate to others so that they may experience the joy of helping you with something. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Notice any negative beliefs you may have about relying on others. Interdependence is a natural part of human relationships and does not diminish your independence. Get curious about where those negative beliefs came from. Do not try to eliminate those beliefs but don't feed into them either. Know Your Boundaries and Make Requests: Know what you are and aren’t willing to do and tolerate. Your body is a great resource for discovering your boundaries. Clearly communicate your boundaries and ask for what you need from others. Dr. Becky Kennedy defines boundaries as "what I am going to do and you don't have to do anything." She defines requests as "what I would like you to do but I can tolerate a 'no.'" For example:
Celebrate Vulnerability: View the ability to be vulnerable as a strength rather than a weakness. Sharing your vulnerabilities responsibly with safe others can deepen connections and promote empathy. This does not mean telling all of your deepest darkest secrets. Stating boundaries and making requests that come from your authentic needs and wants with the right people is a powerful form of vulnerability. Discussing an insecurity without trying to get someone else to fix it is vulnerable. For example:
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this process. You learned to be self-reliant due to cultural modeling and developmental wounding. Learning to rely on others is a process, and it's okay to take small steps at your own pace. Notice how your pain shows up in your body each time you try something you have been avoiding. Reflect on Positive Experiences: It can be hard for the chronically self-reliant to acknowledge that good things have come from interdependence. Make an effort to reflect on positive experiences where relying on others had positive outcomes. Use these instances to reinforce the feeling that seeking support can lead to positive results. Remember, noticing the positive opposes the natural tendency of the human brain to seek out and confirm the negative. Breaking the habit of chronic self-reliance is a gradual process, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Celebrate your progress and be patient with yourself as you work towards interdependence. People who are chronically dependent were also wounded like the chronically self-reliant. They may fear abandonment believing they will be judged for having needs. In response, they create a hook by remaining dependent and appearing to need more from others than they actually do to keep others around because they do not believe that others will stay if they are their authentic, autonomous selves. Chronic Over-Dependence Learning independence can strengthen the relationships of the chronically dependent by encouraging healthier dynamics built on mutual respect, trust, and interdependence. As individuals develop a greater sense of self-reliance and autonomy, they become better equipped to contribute to their relationships in meaningful ways. By taking responsibility for their own well-being and pursuing personal growth, they develop their contribution to a give-and-take dynamic.
As they gain confidence in their abilities to handle life's challenges independently, they are more likely to engage in relationships from a place of strength rather than neediness or dependence. Instead of collapsing onto others they receive assistance. Instead of always looking outside of themselves, they find ways to provide input from their own skills and experience while receiving help from others at the appropriate times. This shift can lead to more authentic connections, increased emotional intimacy, and a stronger sense of partnership, as both parties are able to support each other's growth while maintaining their individual identities. Learning some independence enables the chronically dependent to build stronger, more sustainable relationships grounded in mutual empowerment and shared values. For those who feel like their reliance and dependency has overwhelmed others, here are some tips for balancing their relationship to autonomy and interdependence: Build Trust: Establish trust with the people you rely on. Building rapport along with open and honest communication is essential. Rapport is built through genuine interest in others and mentalizing them (concept coined by Peter Fonagy). Mentalizing is understanding and interpreting the thoughts, emotions, and intentions of oneself and others simultaneously. Be reliable yourself to build a foundation of trust in your relationships. Identify Boundaries and Make Clear Requests: Make clear requests regarding your needs when seeking help, and be specific about the support you're looking for. At the same time, identify and respect the boundaries of others. It's important to strike a balance between giving and receiving support without overwhelming or becoming overly dependent on someone. It is essential to be able to name your needs and wants because that is what boundaries are made of. See the same section above in the chronically self-reliant part for examples. Diversify Support Networks: Don't rely solely on one person for all your needs. Cultivate a diverse support network, including friends, family, and possibly professional support, so that you have different sources of assistance. This can be difficult if you have social anxiety but also a crucial skill to develop so as to avoid codependency. When there is a draw towards codependency there is often a wish that at least one other person will know you as well as you can know yourself. The reality is that only you can know yourself the most. When you take responsibility for knowing yourself as much as possible and being your greatest ally, having a large group of people who know parts of you will feel supportive and useful rather than overwhelming, irritating, and disappointing. Develop Self-Sufficiency: While relying on others is healthy, it's equally important to cultivate self-sufficiency. Strengthen your skills, independence, and resilience so that you can navigate challenges on your own when necessary. Ask for help but always have a plan-B. Never expect that others will be able to support you, even if they yearn to. It is wonderful when they can, but crucial to be willing and able to go it alone when necessary. Many things in life are outside of our control. We regain a sense of strength, control, and stability by identifying and taking responsibility for things that are in our control. Respect Others: Expecting individuals who appear stronger than you to rescue you simply because you perceive yourself as weaker can lead to alienation, as it overlooks the effort and struggles that contribute to their accumulated strength. This perception may leave them feeling disrespected, potentially leading to them reject your bids for help. Instead, get curious and ask if they will show you what steps they took to learn resilience. Then, go and try those steps for yourself. Act on their advice. People who worked hard to get where they are often love to help others achieve the same things. If you chronically ask for advice without following it, the sturdy other will eventually tire of your lack of follow though and stop trying to help you. Reciprocity: Learn how to reciprocate and support others when they need it. Healthy relationships involve a give-and-take dynamic. Supporting others provides a sense of empowerment and self-efficacy to you, the helper. Practice Gratitude: This one is so important! Acknowledge and appreciate the support you receive. Gratitude fosters positive feelings and strengthens your connections with others. The human brain is calibrated to notice and confirm the negative. Gratitude and a realistically optimistic outlook take practice because you are going against the grain of evolution. Seek Professional Help and Process Unresolved Trauma: For certain challenges, seeking professional assistance from therapists, counselors, or support groups can provide specialized help and guidance. Becoming more independent may feel extra scary if you are viewing the world through the lens of trauma. Regularly Check-In: Expect change and learn to be flexible. Regularly assess your support system and relationships as the flow of life brings change. Make adjustments as needed and communicate openly about any changes in your and others expectations or needs. Maintain Independence: While relying on others, remember the importance of maintaining your own identity and pursuing personal goals by avoiding enmeshment. Enmeshment involves overly altering your wants and needs to fit in with others, excessively relying on others to regulate your emotions, and a lack of a sense of self for whom you advocate. Healthy interdependence doesn't mean losing sight of your individuality. By becoming excellent at healthy communication, learning about your and others boundaries, and appreciating the value of both giving and receiving support, you can create positive and balanced relationships with others. Just like the chronically self-reliant, becoming more independent after relying on dependency takes time. Be patient with yourself as you face your fears and challenge yourself to do more things on your own. Healthy Interdependence is ideal because it emphasizes collaboration, leading to stronger relationships and greater resilience. By recognizing and leveraging our own and other's strengths and resources, interdependence allows individuals and communities to achieve goals more efficiently and effectively than they could independently or with one person overly taking responsivity for another. Interdependence encourages personal growth and evolution by enabling the exchange of perspectives and skills between people. It is through this mutual exchange between autonomous individuals that deep connection and trust is cultivated, allowing for lives characterized by better mental and physical health.
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AuthorProsopon Therapy Archives
July 2024
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