Habitual negative emotions can feel like old friends.
Negative emotions are like those old friends who show up uninvited. You know them well, even if you'd rather they didn't hang around. They pop up at the worst times, sometimes stick around for ages, and other times disappear as quickly as they arrived. Just when you think you've moved on, they come knocking again. When you’ve spent most of your life stuck in negative emotions, positive emotions can feel like a threat to your status quo. This gets even trickier if you live in a culture that thrives on negativity. The people around you might not know how to handle you when you’re not down in the dumps—when you’re not complaining, blaming, or feeling powerless. In a world that leans towards negativity, stepping out of that cycle can feel like stepping into the unknown, and that's scary as hell. But sometimes, the old friends you need to let go of are those habitual negative emotions holding you back. People sometimes feel that negative emotions signal depth and authenticity. This is especially true for those who grew up in cultures that worship positivity and shun negative emotions. In these environments, some individuals end up as “scapegoats,” carrying the weight of the negative emotions everyone else is trying to avoid. You start to believe—and often correctly—that everyone else feels the same negativity you do, but they're just faking it, pretending not to have any difficult emotions. People in this scenario can become deeply skeptical of positive emotions, seeing them as inherently fake and superficial. They might even feel like they’re betraying themselves or some ideal if they begin to embrace positive feelings. The result is a distrust of positivity altogether, making it hard to break out of the cycle of negativity. Negative emotions are not “bad.” Negative emotions can feel like old friends because, even though they suck, they remind us we’re human and life is complicated. Just like old friends, they teach us valuable lessons and offer insights into ourselves and our experiences. Both positive and negative emotions are messengers. It’s not about whether the emotion is positive or negative; it’s about the message it brings. The real issue starts when we label emotions as either good or bad and then cling to one type over the other. Just like outgrowing toxic friendships, we need to recognize when our attachment to certain emotions isn’t helping us anymore. It’s crucial to manage or let go of them in healthy ways, so we can live a more balanced life. Positive emotion can feel threatening for many reasons.
In many ways we can take this entire article and flip positive for negative. I discuss our cultural tendency to engage in emotional fixing and its consequences in the article PARTS DRAMA: EMOTIONAL PAIN AND THE URGENCY TO GET PAST IT. If you ever get the chance to embrace your full emotional range without dodging entire categories of feelings, you’ll realize that “positive” and “negative” emotions don’t really exist. Emotions are just messengers. Anger and sadness can actually feel satisfying if they align with your current situation and help you take the best course of action. When this happens, there’s a sense of reward. We stop labeling emotions as positive or negative and start judging based on how aligned we feel. Being in alignment feels strong and solid, even with so-called negative emotions. Being out of alignment feels off, even with positive emotions. And being out of alignment isn’t “bad.” It’s just more information for us. There’s a lot to learn from being out of alignment and finding our way back. Escaping the “good feeling/bad feeling” trap leads to emotional freedom. We can experience emotions as “just sensations in the body” that we don’t have to act on immediately but can use as guidance. Emotions don’t have to be overwhelming or take control when we learn to let them come and go without resistance. Once you master this emotional dance, you can handle resistance when it arises, knowing exactly what actions to take to clear that resistance and flow into right action.
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Expectations can cause a lot of suffering.
Expectations are the anticipated outcomes or behaviors that individuals have in mind regarding a particular situation, event, or person (including oneself). They can be based on past experiences, modeling absorbed in childhood, cultural norms, personal beliefs, or societal standards. Expectations influence how people perceive and interpret events, how they interact with others, and how they plan for the future. They can vary greatly from person to person and can have a significant impact on emotions, relationships, and decision-making. Expectations can cause suffering in several ways:
Closing thoughts: Learn to expect what is! Ask yourself “how is it that my expectations are out of alignment with reality?” Look around you, say facts, and be honest. You can expect to work, strive, and risk take for the duration of your life. You can expect that the outcome of your efforts remains unknown. You can expect that people will be imperfect. You can expect tragedy, rejection, and failure. None of this is your fault but it is your responsibility to decide how you want to relate to reality. Is that one person in your life always mean to you? Next time you see them, expect harshness. Is there a step-by-step process to achieving your goals? If you do not complete that process expect the goal to be unmet. Is there an irritating element in your career (e.g. documentation, phone calls with bureaucrats, etc.)? Embrace that element and create a sustainable ritual around it. Did your brilliant idea get rejected? The most successful people are often the most criticized. Another war? Par for the course for the human race. Most of us would love to see the end of war and human atrocity but acting surprised that we're at it again and imaging one is above it does not solve the problem. Notice places in life where you can let go of expectations and sit in the unknown. Much of life does not require expectations to be placed upon it. When you set a goal and do your best to move towards it using any means at your disposal, it is best to let go of the outcome. You may arrive at your vision or you may wind up in some other scenario with gifts and challenges you did not anticipate. Often people grasp on to an outcome because many of us have a fantasy of finitude; that somehow we will find the one thing that enables us to never have to work, strive, or risk take again. “The Unknown” or “Void” is a part a life. It is an existential reality faced by all humans. We all have a relationship to the unknown whether that relationship is in our awareness or not.
The concept of the unknown or the void often refers to areas of knowledge or existence that are not understood or are yet to be explored. It can represent the mysterious, the uncharted, or the unfathomable aspects of reality. In philosophy and spirituality, the void can also refer to a state of emptiness, potentiality, or the absence of form or structure. It's a concept that has intrigued thinkers and artists for centuries, inspiring exploration, contemplation, and creativity. Whether viewed as a source of fear, curiosity, or inspiration, the unknown and the void point to the vastness and complexity of the universe and our place within it. There are healthy and unhealthy ways of relating to the unknown. Unhealthy ways come from necessity at some point in the individual's story and are not to be judged negatively. However, it generally behooves one to grow past these original ways so that one's life becomes more enjoyable. Unhealthy ways include:
The most helpful relationship to the unknown is to recognize that we are always facing it and to allow its existence without trying to change it. Doing so opens us to the gifts of the unknown. Healthy ways to relate to the unknown include:
The first step to facing the unknown in a healthy way is to acknowledge that it is there and to sit with the discomfort you feel uniquely in your own body. What does sitting with the void feel like to you? Then allow yourself to breath, ground, or center yourself as you hangout with discomfort. Notice that you can feel discomfort and a sense of safety at the same time. Instead of filling the unknown, notice what emerges from it spontaneously. I could be a thought, emotion, sensation, image, or impulse to move. Sometimes an interesting event happens in your life. When something unexpected happens, you may feel vulnerable because it is unfamiliar. Acknowledge that something new is happening while at the same time acknowledging that you feel the vulnerable feelings of unfamiliarity. The more you grow accustomed to the vulnerable feelings of unfamiliarity the more flexible you will become with new and surprising things that emerge from the void. Practices of relating to the unknown like the one described above are so important in the journey to becoming good at and comfortable with change. The more comfortable you are with change, the more likely you will attain personal growth goals that you have for yourself. For example, let's say you've lived a life of emotional pain that stems from trauma. Since pain is all you've known, feel free and unencumbered is unknown territory for you. When you get a taste of emotional freedom, your system immediately retaliates by doubling down on the pain. The reason for this is that your system does not know how to exist unencumbered. Even though freedom from pain would feel really good, the fear of the unknown is the stronger motivator. Thus, to be able to live with emotional freedom, you must recognize and sort out your relationship to the unknown. Simply seeking positive emotional states is not enough because your system does not know how to live life in that mode. Is this you?
“Why can’t I just let go? The pain of my past and the world eat away at me. I’ve read everything and talked my face off, but I am still in so much pain.” Ending the pattern of suffering can be challenging, especially for people living with trauma. Sometimes, suffering is a habit learned by watching people around us as we grow up and move through life. People for whom this is the case break the pattern more easily. For people living with trauma, however, breaking the pattern is more challenging. What is the pattern of suffering? Life is full of pain. When a painful event happens, we feel difficult emotions. Painful events and difficult emotions, while unpleasant, are not suffering. Suffering is the prolonging and amplifying of the pain of an event. It happens for many reasons and is usually unconscious, i.e., not willful on the part of the sufferer. Grief is not the same as suffering. After a big loss, grief happens. Grief is the emotional response to loss, encompassing a range of feelings such as sadness, anger, and despair. It is often accompanied by physical symptoms like difficulty eating and heaviness in the body. Grief is a period of adapting to the absence of what has been lost, whether it be a person, relationship, or significant aspect of one's life. Suffering happens when someone can’t face reality and can’t learn to accept what is. Instead of allowing a grief process where emotional pain emerges for a period of time and then subsides, the one who suffers holds on to the painful event(s) or the shock of certain truths about the reality of being human and experiences the prolonging and even the increase of painful emotions. There are many reasons people have a hard time accepting reality: It is better not to: For children in abusive situations or who are experiencing a loss that is beyond their emotional capacity, it is actually better for them not to face reality. Defense mechanisms and coping strategies are perfect for children because they lack the emotional resilience to handle deeply disturbing situations. When these children become adults and have more choices, it behooves them to seek support in healing the trauma from the past so they can live from the present moment. Attachment to an Outcome: Sometimes, people get the idea that a particular outcome will make them feel fulfilled, whether that's a specific job, relationship, or chain of events. When the outcome they hope for does not materialize, the person can experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. If they continue to believe that only one outcome will make them happy, they may not see the abundance of alternatives at their disposal. Furthermore, they may miss what would actually deliver the feelings of fulfillment they seek, not realizing that the feeling of fulfillment is far more important than attaining a specific life situation that is “supposed to” provide fulfillment according to the individual or even to the larger cultural context they are in. Can't Handle It: Painful life events and conditions can sometimes feel overwhelming. When someone feels overwhelmed, they can feel exposed, disoriented, confused, and bewildered, which can bring on feelings of despair and powerlessness. I often hear clients say things like, “I can’t handle this” or “it’s too much,” referring to a current tragic event in their lives or when confronting elements of their trauma history. The truth is they can and often are “handling” it. When people say they “can’t handle it” they typically mean that the feeling inside is so intense that they fear they don't have what it takes. One may use defense mechanisms like avoidance and dissociation if one remains overwhelmed. When direct confrontation does not feel feasible, it is common to turn to some version of the flight response. This is the opposite of facing reality. Disappointing Compared to My Fantasy: Creating a fantasy life is a common defense tactic for children trapped in difficult family and community environments. People tend to bring their fantasy life with them into adulthood. Doing so can serve as a soothing mechanism for a time, but eventually, the fantasy life starts to cause more harm than good. People who rely on fantasy may eventually be pressed to see reality for what it is so that they can create genuine connections with themselves and others. The process of disillusionment can be painful and fraught with grief. Individuals going through the disillusionment process may experience periods of refusing to adjust their perceptions to reality, feeling rageful that the world is not as they wish, feeling helpless despair because it is as though reality is “defeating” the fantasy, and other extremely unpleasant moods and modes as they “discover” what is truly in front of them. No matter why a person has difficulty fully facing reality, choosing to do so prevents additional suffering. Working through barriers to acceptance can be a long and difficult process that can thwart people who cannot imagine the benefit of the outcome. Time and again, I have witnessed the necessity of faith at some point in the process. By faith, I mean choosing to believe without knowledge. I do not know if my commitment to disillusionment, facing reality, and learning to accept what is will pay off, but I believe that this is the best course of action and gives me the best chance at living a life free of suffering, though there will always be pain. This faith allows us to let go. I can let go of my fantasy, my past, my overwhelm, the outcome I expect, and anything else that burdens my experience of the present moment because I have faith that my bravery will deliver me to a version of reality that is right for me, one that I haven't even imagined for myself. Before I can have that, I must let go of everything that does not work anymore, no matter how familiar and painfully comforting. One is more resilient when one goes through life unencumbered, constantly working to shed outmoded patterns. One can “handle” more in-the-moment pain because one is not holding onto pain from the past. One is more flexible because one is not loyal to using familiar strategies only. Strength and flexibility together create resilience. Being resilient does not mean that pain is avoided or not felt. A resilient person will acknowledge when something is painful, feel the pain, and start working to accept what is as soon as possible. Then, once reality is accepted, the resilient person crafts a plan of response and follows through. The resilience process is not possible if we do not know how to let go or if our trauma is unprocessed. If simply changing your thoughts works for you, you probably do not have unprocessed trauma. People with unprocessed trauma need a long-term multipronged approach to learn to let go. Trauma is stored in the body/brain/nervous system. Receiving somatic therapy that targets the nervous system allows for a more biological kind of letting go. The charge of the original trauma dissipates through movement, tears, sweat, and other physiological responses. Once the charge is released, the nervous system has more freedom to work with the thoughts and belief system. |
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AuthorProsopon Therapy Archives
July 2024
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