Is this you?
“Why can’t I just let go? The pain of my past and the world eat away at me. I’ve read everything and talked my face off, but I am still in so much pain.” Ending the pattern of suffering can be challenging, especially for people living with trauma. Sometimes, suffering is a habit learned by watching people around us as we grow up and move through life. People for whom this is the case break the pattern more easily. For people living with trauma, however, breaking the pattern is more challenging. What is the pattern of suffering? Life is full of pain. When a painful event happens, we feel difficult emotions. Painful events and difficult emotions, while unpleasant, are not suffering. Suffering is the prolonging and amplifying of the pain of an event. It happens for many reasons and is usually unconscious, i.e., not willful on the part of the sufferer. Grief is not the same as suffering. After a big loss, grief happens. Grief is the emotional response to loss, encompassing a range of feelings such as sadness, anger, and despair. It is often accompanied by physical symptoms like difficulty eating and heaviness in the body. Grief is a period of adapting to the absence of what has been lost, whether it be a person, relationship, or significant aspect of one's life. Suffering happens when someone can’t face reality and can’t learn to accept what is. Instead of allowing a grief process where emotional pain emerges for a period of time and then subsides, the one who suffers holds on to the painful event(s) or the shock of certain truths about the reality of being human and experiences the prolonging and even the increase of painful emotions. There are many reasons people have a hard time accepting reality: It is better not to: For children in abusive situations or who are experiencing a loss that is beyond their emotional capacity, it is actually better for them not to face reality. Defense mechanisms and coping strategies are perfect for children because they lack the emotional resilience to handle deeply disturbing situations. When these children become adults and have more choices, it behooves them to seek support in healing the trauma from the past so they can live from the present moment. Attachment to an Outcome: Sometimes, people get the idea that a particular outcome will make them feel fulfilled, whether that's a specific job, relationship, or chain of events. When the outcome they hope for does not materialize, the person can experience feelings of hopelessness and despair. If they continue to believe that only one outcome will make them happy, they may not see the abundance of alternatives at their disposal. Furthermore, they may miss what would actually deliver the feelings of fulfillment they seek, not realizing that the feeling of fulfillment is far more important than attaining a specific life situation that is “supposed to” provide fulfillment according to the individual or even to the larger cultural context they are in. Can't Handle It: Painful life events and conditions can sometimes feel overwhelming. When someone feels overwhelmed, they can feel exposed, disoriented, confused, and bewildered, which can bring on feelings of despair and powerlessness. I often hear clients say things like, “I can’t handle this” or “it’s too much,” referring to a current tragic event in their lives or when confronting elements of their trauma history. The truth is they can and often are “handling” it. When people say they “can’t handle it” they typically mean that the feeling inside is so intense that they fear they don't have what it takes. One may use defense mechanisms like avoidance and dissociation if one remains overwhelmed. When direct confrontation does not feel feasible, it is common to turn to some version of the flight response. This is the opposite of facing reality. Disappointing Compared to My Fantasy: Creating a fantasy life is a common defense tactic for children trapped in difficult family and community environments. People tend to bring their fantasy life with them into adulthood. Doing so can serve as a soothing mechanism for a time, but eventually, the fantasy life starts to cause more harm than good. People who rely on fantasy may eventually be pressed to see reality for what it is so that they can create genuine connections with themselves and others. The process of disillusionment can be painful and fraught with grief. Individuals going through the disillusionment process may experience periods of refusing to adjust their perceptions to reality, feeling rageful that the world is not as they wish, feeling helpless despair because it is as though reality is “defeating” the fantasy, and other extremely unpleasant moods and modes as they “discover” what is truly in front of them. No matter why a person has difficulty fully facing reality, choosing to do so prevents additional suffering. Working through barriers to acceptance can be a long and difficult process that can thwart people who cannot imagine the benefit of the outcome. Time and again, I have witnessed the necessity of faith at some point in the process. By faith, I mean choosing to believe without knowledge. I do not know if my commitment to disillusionment, facing reality, and learning to accept what is will pay off, but I believe that this is the best course of action and gives me the best chance at living a life free of suffering, though there will always be pain. This faith allows us to let go. I can let go of my fantasy, my past, my overwhelm, the outcome I expect, and anything else that burdens my experience of the present moment because I have faith that my bravery will deliver me to a version of reality that is right for me, one that I haven't even imagined for myself. Before I can have that, I must let go of everything that does not work anymore, no matter how familiar and painfully comforting. One is more resilient when one goes through life unencumbered, constantly working to shed outmoded patterns. One can “handle” more in-the-moment pain because one is not holding onto pain from the past. One is more flexible because one is not loyal to using familiar strategies only. Strength and flexibility together create resilience. Being resilient does not mean that pain is avoided or not felt. A resilient person will acknowledge when something is painful, feel the pain, and start working to accept what is as soon as possible. Then, once reality is accepted, the resilient person crafts a plan of response and follows through. The resilience process is not possible if we do not know how to let go or if our trauma is unprocessed. If simply changing your thoughts works for you, you probably do not have unprocessed trauma. People with unprocessed trauma need a long-term multipronged approach to learn to let go. Trauma is stored in the body/brain/nervous system. Receiving somatic therapy that targets the nervous system allows for a more biological kind of letting go. The charge of the original trauma dissipates through movement, tears, sweat, and other physiological responses. Once the charge is released, the nervous system has more freedom to work with the thoughts and belief system.
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A problem occurs for many people in that they do not know what they need and want. Wants are desires or preferences for things or experiences that enhance quality of life but are not essential for survival, while needs are necessities required for basic survival and well-being. Wants are optional and based on personal preferences, whereas needs are fundamental and universal requirements for sustaining life.
The following is a list of needs. Human needs can be categorized in various ways, and different models exist to describe them. One comprehensive framework often used is Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, proposed by psychologist Abraham Maslow in 1943. According to Maslow, human needs are organized into a hierarchy, with lower-level needs needing to be satisfied before higher-level needs become motivating factors. I disagree with his conceptualization somewhat because I have seen plenty of people including myself without lower order needs pursue higher order needs. Often, the pursuit of higher order needs enables the person to fill in the gap on lower order needs. I still appreciate his categories, however. Read through this "menu" of needs and identify which ones resonate with you the most. What do you have? What do you need more of? The hierarchy consists of five main categories: Physiological Needs: These are the most basic needs necessary for survival:
Safety Needs: Then individuals seek safety and security:
Love and Belongingness Needs: Then individuals seek love, affection, and belonging:
Esteem Needs: Then individuals seek self-esteem and the esteem of others:
Self-Actualization Needs: Finally, individuals seek self-actualization, the realization of one's potential and personal growth, including:
Beyond Maslow's Hierarchy, other frameworks and theories also identify additional human needs, including:
These needs may vary across individuals, cultures, and contexts, and they can evolve over time as circumstances change. Meeting these needs supports individuals in thriving and leading fulfilling lives. CONTENT WARNING: mention of violence here and there.
Misdeeds often have some amount of someone trying to "get away with it." Much of my life has been around groups of people diverse in many ways. Since I am trying to make sense of things, I seek out people who have vastly different experiences. You can't get at "truth" going around the same types of people. I seldom thought too much about “evil” or the spectrum of misdeeds because I tend to see the good in people no matter what “crimes'' they commit. As much as I'd like to believe in free will, there are times when one does not have the power to choose how one acts, especially when traumatized. My time volunteering with homeless populations and my therapy career brought a broad spectrum of clients and people served. I spent a great deal of time with people who have gone through the worst abuse and who have a lifetime of criminal convictions, often the same people. I have worked with people institutionalized for life due to schizophrenia. I've listened to the stories of cops, soldiers, and jail wardens. I've known high-status, high-paid professionals who were also deep into drugs. I've heard the meandering, excruciating, and exciting lives of high-end prostitutes who plan for the future with retirement accounts. I've known professional fighters, hunters, and business people. I've heard how they "got this close" to killing someone outside a restaurant, at a pigeon shoot, in a conference room. Their hands were around their throats, their gun pointed at their chest, their fists pummeling their body. "At the time," they say, "I felt like I was in the right." I've sat with the stories of victims of torture, genocide, and cults. Their captors always feel that they are in the right. They believe they "deserve to get away with it" because someone wronged them, and this person, these people, or the world should pay--because they are owed. I've spent so much time with "good" people, too. People who think that they "toe the line" and who look down on everyone else who has broken the rules. The good people are just as addicted to "getting away with it" as any criminal. I once was told by a diagnosed sociopath, "You good people always think you're so right." I think I get what he means now. Good people trick themselves into thinking that bad behavior is "out there" with the criminals and neglect to see their own addictions and misgivings. I know about "getting away with it" because I do it too. What does it mean to "get away with it?" "Getting away with it" means breaking rules or societal norms and not getting caught. In some groups, this can get wildly out of hand. I won't get specific to protect the sensitivity of my readers. When I began to encounter the victims of these groups was the first time I felt challenged in my perspective that people do not choose evil despite doing heinous things. These groups engage in cruelty combined with lavish luxury and creative genius. I could not fathom why someone or, unfortunately, large groups of people would bother to put so much effort and resources into such horrible behavior. For years, I worked to make this make sense. Now I understand that the root of the issue is the addiction to "getting away with it." "Getting away with it" can be addicting due to a combination of factors rooted in psychology and behavior. First, there's the thrill of breaking rules or societal norms, which can activate the brain's reward system, releasing dopamine and creating a sense of excitement or euphoria. This rush of positive emotion reinforces the behavior, making it more likely to be repeated in the future. Then, the feeling of outsmarting authority figures or societal expectations can boost one's sense of power and control, further fueling the desire to engage in the behavior again. Over time, this cycle can become a positive feedback loop, causing individuals to seek out increasingly risky or taboo activities in pursuit of that same rush of adrenaline and satisfaction. Ultimately, the addiction to "getting away with it" is an addiction to power. Like any addiction, such behaviors have negative consequences, both personally and socially, and ultimately lead to destructive outcomes, especially if left unchecked. All addictions have some element of an addiction to power and stem from the person feeling powerless on some level. Instead of addressing the underlying feeling of powerlessness, the person chooses to alleviate the pain and anxiety caused by powerlessness by doing something that represents power to themselves. Here are some examples of how people indirectly manage feelings of powerlessness:
When we engage in frequent "getting away with it," we have a secret life. That secret life is both exciting and stressful. It's exciting for the neurochemical reasons named above. We get to pretend like the rules don't apply to us. That life is stressful because, if caught, we would get into big trouble, feel shame, and have to deal with any consequences of our actions. To make matters worse, we probably didn't develop another way to deal with the pervasive feelings of powerlessness that we used the addiction to cope with in the first place. Learning to Take Responsibility and Delay Gratification "Getting away with it" is one of the earliest addictions we have access to if our caregivers worked to keep other addictive substances (excessive food, screentime, alcohol, etc.) away from us. All kids at some time experience the thrill of "getting away with it." Some kids have temperaments that want to do that all the time. Others are frightened by the prospect of getting in trouble and work hard to follow the rules out of fear. Learning to enjoy the balance of responsibility and rest comes with maturity, wisdom, and age. It does not make sense to the mind of a child that hard work, accountability, healthy enjoyment, and self-care create a genuinely fulfilling life because children operate so strongly on the pain/pleasure paradigm and experience the least amount of personal power. Whatever pain a child experiences is usually the worst pain of their life because they (hopefully) have had few experiences of pain. They want immediate relief and pleasure. It feels excruciating to put off the relief of pain or the experience of pleasure because they cannot understand why that would be in their best interest. If adults never assist children in learning to delay gratification, addiction is likely in their future. The positive feedback loop described in the above section can occur, causing the child to grow into an adult with increasingly intense and taboo appetites. A theme of addiction is instant gratification. Anything that provides instant gratification can lead to addictive behaviors. The opposite of instant gratification is delayed gratification, which involves forgoing immediate rewards in favor of greater rewards in the future. An example of this is taking the time to feel the pain of powerlessness that came from the past and noticing ways that one has power now instead of erasing the feeling of powerlessness with quick substitutes and "getting away with it." Addict Make Addicts Abuse and unfair or harsh child-rearing come from adults who experienced the same. Rarely does an adult who grew up in a household and community that struck the balance between nurturance and fair discipline go on to treat children with abuse and harshness. Abuse and harsh discipline occur when adults are unable to delay gratification and tolerate their own feelings of powerlessness. They erase their difficult feelings by lashing out, dominating, or manipulating the child. Sometimes, we must react quickly in dangerous situations to bring a child to safety. Abuse and harshness are different in that no danger is present that warrants a quick and firm reaction, or the adult overreacts regardless of the situation and thereby unnecessarily transfers pain to the child. Children primarily learn through modeling. Therefore, when adults treat children like this, they model instant gratification instead of thoughtfulness, care, wisdom, and maturity. Closing Thoughts The concept of "getting away with it" permeates various aspects of human behavior and is deeply intertwined with issues of power, responsibility, and addiction. Whether it's through illicit actions or subtle manipulations, the pursuit of immediate gratification at the expense of long-term consequences can lead individuals down a path of self-destructive behaviors. This addiction to power often stems from unresolved feelings of powerlessness and a lack of healthy coping mechanisms. Recognizing and addressing this cycle of instant gratification is crucial for personal growth and societal well-being. It requires learning to navigate the complexities of responsibility and delayed gratification, acknowledging the root causes of addiction, and breaking the cycle of harm perpetuated by past traumas. By fostering an environment that promotes accountability, empathy, and resilience, we can work towards a future where individuals are empowered to confront their challenges with integrity and compassion, thereby breaking the cycle of addiction. Regret is a feeling of sadness, disappointment, or remorse over something that has happened or that you did or didn't do. It often arises when we perceive that our actions or decisions have led to negative consequences or missed opportunities. Regret can vary in intensity, ranging from mild unease to profound remorse. It's a natural human emotion that can serve as a valuable learning experience, prompting us to reflect on our choices and motivating us to make better decisions in the future. However, dwelling excessively on regret is detrimental, leading to feelings of guilt, self-blame, and stagnation.
"Amor fati" is a Latin phrase that translates to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate" in English. The concept is attributed to the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who believed in embracing and accepting one's fate or destiny, regardless of its perceived positive or negative aspects. In "Why I Am So Clever" (Ecce Homo, section 10), he writes: "My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity." Rather than resenting or resisting the circumstances of life, Nietzsche proposed that individuals should cultivate a deep acceptance and appreciation for everything that happens, viewing each event as an essential part of the unfolding of one's existence. Amor fati encourages us to not only accept what happens but to actively love and affirm it, recognizing that every experience contributes to personal growth and resilience development. In essence, amor fati advocates for living life with an attitude of gratitude, finding beauty and meaning even in the face of adversity or hardship. It's about finding empowerment and liberation in embracing one's fate rather than feeling bound by it. The avoidance of regret is not, in fact, amor fati. Even the feeling of regret is fated. Avoiding feelings is rarely practical. Instead, truly facing reality means allowing the feeling of regret like we would with any element of fate without clinging to or enlarging it. Denying any feeling or event inside oneself is like trying to deny a mountain or the rain. Like a miner, we can shape our inner landscapes over time, but we cannot move away. You can build a quarry on your mountain or dredge out ship channel, but you cannot come down the mountain or escape the coast for higher ground if that is where you were planted. If you are more of a "rainy" person, or dry in nature, or like a small volcanic island, or flat and windy like the plains, you have different options depending on the landscape you were born with, but you cannot move away entirely. People who are really intense have to learn to guide the intensity. People who are laid back have to put themselves in environments that resonate. Movers gotta move, thinkers gotta think, feelers gotta feel, and so on. Thanks to becoming a parent, I've had the opportunity to be around more babies than ever. Babies have basic temperaments. A somewhat recent study has shown that much of a person's temperament stays the same over the lifespan, as well as having parts that can change. (Damian, R. I., Spengler, M., Sutu, A., & Roberts, B. (2018, August 16). Sixteen Going on Sixty-Six: A Longitudinal Study of Personality Stability and Change across 50 Years. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000210) You come into this world with a huge piece of your fate baked into your basic temperament. This is where self-knowledge is so important. Understanding your basic nature and how events in your life mold your original substrate opens the door for more intentional living and truly loving yourself. Love is a verb. We have a relationship with ourselves as much as we relate to others. To love yourself is to work to know yourself with care and compassion and then respond to your needs like someone you love. Some modes of being promote a beneficial experience for one person that doesn't work for another. The reason that the same circumstances work for one person and not another has to do with the nature of your original self. That original self is GIFTED to you. You did not select it on purpose. Get to know the original you and avoid comparing that to what seems popular or preferred. The mainstream, for example, loves certain temperaments. Those people will always be in the limelight. Avoid the temptation to think that the "limelight" is the place to be. I witness people bypass creating a life that works for them at times because they believe they will only feel love and connection if they are popular, extremely wealthy, “beautiful,”, or some other criteria without reflecting on whether those criteria actually work for them. There are infinite permutations of "the good life" on society's side roads, hamlets, and nooks and crannies. It is so important to explore your needs, wants, and values so that you can aim for what really suits you. Love your fate but also direct it. Know yourself so that you are aiming properly. Knowing what you are aiming for enables you to both accept and sculpt the landscape you've been given in an intentional way. As you grow, change, and stay the same, you will also feel difficult feelings. Sometimes they send you in a new direction, sometimes they signal change, sometimes they are just an energetic soundtrack of songs to be listened to and shared with others. I don’t believe in laziness. If someone (or you even) is behaving “lazily” and it is not in their best interest, it's better to get curious rather than passing judgment. Passing judgment can be described as “lazy.” *Kidding* But seriously…
Decreased Activity As a Defense What is often labeled as laziness may actually be a manifestation of various underlying factors such as unhelpful beliefs that come from developmental wounding, overwhelm, fear, dysregulation, and chronic freeze states. When we judge someone as lazy, we are shortcutting our own anxiety and frustration about the individual's situation. Time and again, I have worked with someone who calls themselves “lazy” just to find that they live with an entrenched dissociation pattern barricaded by a multilayered defense system that was once constructed for many good reasons. Beliefs and unspoken mandates regarding productivity and success are fertile grounds for wayward family and cultural dynamics that inspire such defensiveness. How convenient for unhealthy relational systems that the term "lazy" carries a negative connotation and implies a moral failing or character flaw. The “lazy” person then holds the harm and stigma, occupying the role of the scapegoat upon which others can project aspects of themselves of which they are fearful. Rather than working to understand the legitimate wound behind the “laziness,” the “lazy” person is judged, typecast, and at times discarded. That is not to say that someone’s avoidance and inactivity won’t become a problem. I believe that avoidance and inactivity is less likely to become entrenched if the person is met with curiosity rather than judgment and enabling as soon as the pattern emerges. An Adaptation to Systemic Oppression At the societal level, human behavior is highly influenced by environmental, social, and psychological factors. What may appear as laziness to an outsider could be a result of systemic issues such as poverty, lack of access to resources, the addictive nature of screens and highly palatable foods, or societal expectations from certain cultures. Rest and Inactivity is Healthy and Normal Furthermore, the idea of laziness often overlooks the importance of self-care, rest, and prioritizing mental and physical well-being. Taking breaks, setting boundaries, and practicing self-compassion are essential aspects of maintaining overall health and productivity. People who are fearful of rest might label healthy pausing and self-advocacy activities as lazy so they do not have to address the anxiety they feel when attempting to adopt those actions for themselves. Periods of inactivity are essential in certain contexts, even for people with healthy belief systems. While “laziness” is often associated with avoiding work or exerting effort, it may just be a sign that someone needs a break from the exertion or needs to engage in mental indexing. Mental indexing is the cognitive process of organizing and categorizing information in the mind for efficient retrieval and use. We need periods of lower sensory input for our brains to do this important job Taking breaks and allowing oneself to be "lazy" at times can be essential for mental and emotional well-being. Overworking or constantly pushing oneself without adequate rest can lead to burnout, stress, and decreased productivity. By listening to signals of fatigue or boredom and taking breaks as needed, individuals can maintain a healthier work-life balance and sustain long-term productivity and satisfaction. Powering Down for Survival In evolutionary terms, conserving energy was crucial for survival, particularly in environments where resources were scarce or unpredictable. In such situations, individuals who were able to prioritize rest and conserve energy when necessary were more likely to survive and pass on their genes. This reflects what we now understand about dorsal vagal activation aka hypoarousal. When someone has tried many ways to solve problems over a long period of time and has been unsuccessful due to no fault of their own, the nervous system may respond first by becoming overly activated, and then by falling into underactivation moving the person into a sort of dormant state. You especially see this in people who had long term developmental wounding in childhood or people who endured a long term traumatic experience in some form of isolation. Powering down to conserve resources and “waiting it out” is highly adaptive in such a scenario. "Lazy" = Innovative In a different context, “laziness,” or rather the tendency to find the path of least resistance, can prompt individuals to find more efficient or innovative ways to accomplish tasks, leading to increased productivity in the long run. When faced with a repetitive or mundane task, the desire to avoid unnecessary effort may drive individuals to seek out shortcuts, automation, or creative solutions to streamline their workflow. Doing so is in everyone’s best interest as long as this does not negatively affect the final product. Get Curious Therefore, rather than dismissing yourself or others as lazy, it is more constructive to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to get curious about what may be contributing to their behavior, whether contributing factors are adaptive or maladaptive. By reframing our understanding of laziness and focusing on support, encouragement, and addressing root causes, we can create a more effective and compassionate approach to human behavior. The following was inspired by the Oral/Compensated-Oral dynamics described by Wilhelm Reich as well as the Dependent Endearing/Self-Reliant strategies described by Ron Kurtz. Perhaps you avoid relying on others or, contrarily, have pushed people away by seeking help in an off-putting manner that drains your helpers. Relying on others in a healthy way involves creating strong connections while maintaining personal boundaries and a certain amount of self-sufficiency. Healthy Interdependence People can become chronically self-reliant due to wounding from the past. Through hurt, neglect, and betrayal, they develop beliefs such as “other people cannot be trusted.” The chronically self-reliant tries to go it alone because they fear that people will judge them or leave anyway. Chronic Self-Reliance For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a transformative process promoting personal growth and a sense of well-being. While self-reliance is often valued and celebrated, excessive independence can lead to loneliness, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. Learning to rely on others brings the benefits of mutual support, deeper connections, and shared experiences. Learning to trust and depend on others provides a sense of belonging, strengthens interpersonal relationships, and creates emotional resilience. It also provides opportunities for learning and growth, as one is exposed to different perspectives and skills imparted by others. Embracing interdependence can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life, where the burdens and joys are shared. For those who are chronically self-reliant, learning to rely on others can be a gradual process. Here are some steps to help transition towards a healthier reliance on others: Acknowledge the Need for Support: Learn to recognize and accept that everyone needs support at times. Acknowledge your own vulnerabilities and understand that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. If you are not accustomed to identifying needs or the idea that receiving support is healthy feels foreign, you may want to consult with a therapist or a coach. Start Small: Begin by seeking support in small, manageable situations. This could involve asking a friend for advice, assistance with a task, or simply sharing your thoughts and feelings with someone who has proven their reliability to you in other ways. Notice how you feel when you receive support. It's ok if it does not feel good at first. If it does not feel good, reflect on the exchange logically. If the other person did, in fact, show up for you in an honest and kind way, then reflect emotionally. Ask your self, "what is it about receiving good support feels bad to me? Does this feel familiar? What do I believe about receiving support?" Identify Trusted Individuals: Identify trustworthy and reliable people in your life. These could be friends, family members, or colleagues who have demonstrated maturity, consistency, and understanding in the past. It can be harder to identify solid people in your life because the human brain is biologically set up to focus on the bad. Identifying the good takes some effort. Communicate Your Needs: Practice clear communication about your needs and expectations. Start by communicating with yourself through journaling about your needs, wants, and expectations. You could also work through this with a therapist. Clearly express what kind of support you're seeking, and be open about your feelings and concerns. Work your way towards sharing this information with others. Build Reciprocal Relationships: Nurture relationships based on mutual support. When your time, energy, and resources are available, enthusiastically reciprocate when others need help, thereby creating a balanced and supportive dynamic. Find ways you can delegate to others so that they may experience the joy of helping you with something. Challenge Negative Beliefs: Notice any negative beliefs you may have about relying on others. Interdependence is a natural part of human relationships and does not diminish your independence. Get curious about where those negative beliefs came from. Do not try to eliminate those beliefs but don't feed into them either. Know Your Boundaries and Make Requests: Know what you are and aren’t willing to do and tolerate. Your body is a great resource for discovering your boundaries. Clearly communicate your boundaries and ask for what you need from others. Dr. Becky Kennedy defines boundaries as "what I am going to do and you don't have to do anything." She defines requests as "what I would like you to do but I can tolerate a 'no.'" For example:
Celebrate Vulnerability: View the ability to be vulnerable as a strength rather than a weakness. Sharing your vulnerabilities responsibly with safe others can deepen connections and promote empathy. This does not mean telling all of your deepest darkest secrets. Stating boundaries and making requests that come from your authentic needs and wants with the right people is a powerful form of vulnerability. Discussing an insecurity without trying to get someone else to fix it is vulnerable. For example:
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself during this process. You learned to be self-reliant due to cultural modeling and developmental wounding. Learning to rely on others is a process, and it's okay to take small steps at your own pace. Notice how your pain shows up in your body each time you try something you have been avoiding. Reflect on Positive Experiences: It can be hard for the chronically self-reliant to acknowledge that good things have come from interdependence. Make an effort to reflect on positive experiences where relying on others had positive outcomes. Use these instances to reinforce the feeling that seeking support can lead to positive results. Remember, noticing the positive opposes the natural tendency of the human brain to seek out and confirm the negative. Breaking the habit of chronic self-reliance is a gradual process, and it's okay to take it one step at a time. Celebrate your progress and be patient with yourself as you work towards interdependence. People who are chronically dependent were also wounded like the chronically self-reliant. They may fear abandonment believing they will be judged for having needs. In response, they create a hook by remaining dependent and appearing to need more from others than they actually do to keep others around because they do not believe that others will stay if they are their authentic, autonomous selves. Chronic Over-Dependence Learning independence can strengthen the relationships of the chronically dependent by encouraging healthier dynamics built on mutual respect, trust, and interdependence. As individuals develop a greater sense of self-reliance and autonomy, they become better equipped to contribute to their relationships in meaningful ways. By taking responsibility for their own well-being and pursuing personal growth, they develop their contribution to a give-and-take dynamic.
As they gain confidence in their abilities to handle life's challenges independently, they are more likely to engage in relationships from a place of strength rather than neediness or dependence. Instead of collapsing onto others they receive assistance. Instead of always looking outside of themselves, they find ways to provide input from their own skills and experience while receiving help from others at the appropriate times. This shift can lead to more authentic connections, increased emotional intimacy, and a stronger sense of partnership, as both parties are able to support each other's growth while maintaining their individual identities. Learning some independence enables the chronically dependent to build stronger, more sustainable relationships grounded in mutual empowerment and shared values. For those who feel like their reliance and dependency has overwhelmed others, here are some tips for balancing their relationship to autonomy and interdependence: Build Trust: Establish trust with the people you rely on. Building rapport along with open and honest communication is essential. Rapport is built through genuine interest in others and mentalizing them (concept coined by Peter Fonagy). Mentalizing is understanding and interpreting the thoughts, emotions, and intentions of oneself and others simultaneously. Be reliable yourself to build a foundation of trust in your relationships. Identify Boundaries and Make Clear Requests: Make clear requests regarding your needs when seeking help, and be specific about the support you're looking for. At the same time, identify and respect the boundaries of others. It's important to strike a balance between giving and receiving support without overwhelming or becoming overly dependent on someone. It is essential to be able to name your needs and wants because that is what boundaries are made of. See the same section above in the chronically self-reliant part for examples. Diversify Support Networks: Don't rely solely on one person for all your needs. Cultivate a diverse support network, including friends, family, and possibly professional support, so that you have different sources of assistance. This can be difficult if you have social anxiety but also a crucial skill to develop so as to avoid codependency. When there is a draw towards codependency there is often a wish that at least one other person will know you as well as you can know yourself. The reality is that only you can know yourself the most. When you take responsibility for knowing yourself as much as possible and being your greatest ally, having a large group of people who know parts of you will feel supportive and useful rather than overwhelming, irritating, and disappointing. Develop Self-Sufficiency: While relying on others is healthy, it's equally important to cultivate self-sufficiency. Strengthen your skills, independence, and resilience so that you can navigate challenges on your own when necessary. Ask for help but always have a plan-B. Never expect that others will be able to support you, even if they yearn to. It is wonderful when they can, but crucial to be willing and able to go it alone when necessary. Many things in life are outside of our control. We regain a sense of strength, control, and stability by identifying and taking responsibility for things that are in our control. Respect Others: Expecting individuals who appear stronger than you to rescue you simply because you perceive yourself as weaker can lead to alienation, as it overlooks the effort and struggles that contribute to their accumulated strength. This perception may leave them feeling disrespected, potentially leading to them reject your bids for help. Instead, get curious and ask if they will show you what steps they took to learn resilience. Then, go and try those steps for yourself. Act on their advice. People who worked hard to get where they are often love to help others achieve the same things. If you chronically ask for advice without following it, the sturdy other will eventually tire of your lack of follow though and stop trying to help you. Reciprocity: Learn how to reciprocate and support others when they need it. Healthy relationships involve a give-and-take dynamic. Supporting others provides a sense of empowerment and self-efficacy to you, the helper. Practice Gratitude: This one is so important! Acknowledge and appreciate the support you receive. Gratitude fosters positive feelings and strengthens your connections with others. The human brain is calibrated to notice and confirm the negative. Gratitude and a realistically optimistic outlook take practice because you are going against the grain of evolution. Seek Professional Help and Process Unresolved Trauma: For certain challenges, seeking professional assistance from therapists, counselors, or support groups can provide specialized help and guidance. Becoming more independent may feel extra scary if you are viewing the world through the lens of trauma. Regularly Check-In: Expect change and learn to be flexible. Regularly assess your support system and relationships as the flow of life brings change. Make adjustments as needed and communicate openly about any changes in your and others expectations or needs. Maintain Independence: While relying on others, remember the importance of maintaining your own identity and pursuing personal goals by avoiding enmeshment. Enmeshment involves overly altering your wants and needs to fit in with others, excessively relying on others to regulate your emotions, and a lack of a sense of self for whom you advocate. Healthy interdependence doesn't mean losing sight of your individuality. By becoming excellent at healthy communication, learning about your and others boundaries, and appreciating the value of both giving and receiving support, you can create positive and balanced relationships with others. Just like the chronically self-reliant, becoming more independent after relying on dependency takes time. Be patient with yourself as you face your fears and challenge yourself to do more things on your own. Healthy Interdependence is ideal because it emphasizes collaboration, leading to stronger relationships and greater resilience. By recognizing and leveraging our own and other's strengths and resources, interdependence allows individuals and communities to achieve goals more efficiently and effectively than they could independently or with one person overly taking responsivity for another. Interdependence encourages personal growth and evolution by enabling the exchange of perspectives and skills between people. It is through this mutual exchange between autonomous individuals that deep connection and trust is cultivated, allowing for lives characterized by better mental and physical health. I’ve had responsibility on my mind lately. It is not a popular topic but I wish it were. I believe it is only unpopular because it is misunderstood. The healthiest, happiest people take responsibility while also recognizing their interdependency needs. To take responsibility means to own the consequences of your decisions and actions that you make within the actual limits of your power. That means one must assess with accuracy how much power you have and within what zone of influence. The practice of responsibility requires intellectual rigor, facing fears and shame, learning to self regulate, and, often, the need to process trauma and developmental wounding. “Limbic friction” comes into play (Huberman, 2022, ep.53). Limbic friction is when emotional tension arises because there is a mismatch between one's internal emotional responses and external expectations or demands. For example, you are trying to accomplish a task and get bored. You push through the limbic friction of boredom and complete the task anyway. Here are some voices from the past on the matter: What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements. ― Anais Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934 Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility. ― Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so. ― Noam Chomsky A person may cause evil to others not only by his actions but by his inaction, and in either case he is justly accountable to them for the injury. ― John Stuart Mill, On Liberty Once you realize we all have the ultimate duty & responsibility to ourselves to be the best we can regardless of the situation that lies in front of us, that is when your sacrifice will no longer feel like a sacrifice. ― David Goggins, Feb 25, 2021 Taking responsibility is the path to acquiring all the qualities that any human wants in life: safety, security, belonging, agency, gratitude, joy, confidence, etc. When we pursue excessive material things, fame, superiority, rescuing, blame (different from holding people accountable), and so on, we are trying to make a shortcut to the things that we really want. If we stop playing the game of shortcuts, we get to work on actualizing that which we really desire.
Take responsibility for what is in your control.
Never take responsibility for anything that is not in your control:
Identify what is not in your control and let it go. Free yourself to focus on what is in your control. The price of making choices is responsibility. Responsibility is learned like any other skill. Once you get good at responsibility, you will enjoy it. Taking responsibility will feel good, right, safe, and secure once you get used to it. It's ok to feel emotional as you take responsibility, even VERY emotional. Your body is your ally when navigating responsibility. You can learn to work with your body to regulate your emotions. When you are out of alignment you will feel “sorry” as in a “sorry state.” You will feel disheveled and needing repair. When you are in alignment you will feel strong and settled. You will still feel the unknown, however. Taking responsibility does not end the unknown or elements in life that are out of your control. Taking responsibility does not prevent loss. It especially does not guarantee that everyone will like you. It will attract other responsible people and repel those who fear being responsible. You will feel lonely at times taking responsibility. Eventually, you will trust yourself so much that you will generally feel curious about the future but seldom fearful of it. Making mistakes will still be somewhat painful but will not feel final or like you can't recover. You will not wait around for others to take responsibility for their actions. You will see how they act and choose what you will do for yourself, assuming they will not change. Taking responsibility can be a long process but ultimately it leads to the creation of the life you want within the unavoidable existential limitations inherent in life. Clients often come into my practice wanting their trauma to be fixed yesterday. Fair enough, I went through this, too. I was in such a state of emergency that I was shocked when therapists I reached out to weren't as alarmed as I was and didn't rush to get me in to see them that very day for an intake and a miracle cure.
Once I had landed a therapist, part of me during sessions understood that I had to leave the office at the end of the hour, but part of me was confused and terrified that the therapist would make me “go back out there” to the real world in my “dangerously fragile state.” I could not see how capable I was because my pain-part totally consumed my awareness. The pain was so great that my “firefighter” (to borrow Internal Family Systems language) always felt like the “patient” was bleeding out and needed crisis-level care ALL THE TIME. I now understand that my firefighter is my amygdala and that it got trained to be overly activated through a variety of factors throughout my childhood and adolescence. I had a drama going on inside. The major players were the pain part on the one hand and, on the other, the part that feared the pain. The pain part really needed time and understanding. Time and understanding is what it was regularly deprived of when it needed it the most. The part that feared the pain is an internalized part that I had absorbed from the reactions of the adults around me growing up who rushed me through my feelings or denied them all together. MANY OF US LIVE IN A CULTURE THAT OVERLY FEARS EMOTIONS AND INSTINCTS. The result of responding to kids by rushing them through their feelings and calling the "bad kids" for doing kid stuff like testing boundaries results in people learning to believe that their emotions and instincts are essentially dangerous for existing at all. It is as though many adults believe that they must change their planned course of action if a child's emotional state is validated. However, as Dr Becky Kennedy says, it is the job of the child to feel and the job of the adult to validate feelings and maintain the boundary. For example, a child is disappointed and frustrated because they can’t have the cookie before dinner. An adult can name that the child feels frustrated and disappointed, and that anyone would feel that way, but also maintain that cookies are for after dinner. The child’s emotions can escalate and the adult will maintain the boundary without denying the feelings or making them wrong. Kids learn what to fear through modeling by the adults around them. I watch adults in my life now deny, dismiss, and urgently try to soothe pain in their and other children. That sends a message to children that their pain is bad and needs to be gotten rid of. Kids interpret this as “I’m bad and will be gotten rid of.” This is the core of shame, the emotion associated with being shunned or exiled. For anyone to be exiled is life-threatening, but especially for children. That means that shame is a life-threatening emotion for children. That means that their amygdala goes into overdrive when they feel too much shame. Children in this situation are not being abused, but the result of this unconscious behavior undermines the child’s sense of self, making it hard to feel confident. I so frequently have privileged clients ask me, “How can I feel so bad when I am so privileged? Especially when I wasn’t obviously abused in any way?” This is how—being the subject of chronic emotional fixing. The reality is that pain is a part of life and cannot be eliminated. Most children learn to abandon themselves when they feel pain because the adults around them abandoned the child and their pain over and over again, every day, all day, for years and decades. As adults, these children start the cycle over because it's all they know. They continue to abandon themselves and the children around them anytime an emotion other than happy contentment is present. Henry David Thoreau meant the quote “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” to be applied to rampant materialism. But what is it that drives materialism and addiction? I believe its the abandonment of inner pain along with the diamonds inside that rejected rough. We know ourselves not primarily by what we think but rather how we feel and choose to respond to those feelings. Choice requires the accumulation of skills. If all that has been modeled to me is abandonment when emotion arises, how can I choose something different? Sadly, the adult child of emotional abandonment must seek help to learn how to handle emotions in a flexible way. When our emotional pain is rejected and abandoned, our inner guidance system is scrambled. Emotional pain is the beginning of a learning and expanding process. When those processes are shut down, so is our vitality. I now understand that the pain I felt was at least partially tied to the emotional learning and growth I was denied as a child, not just by my parents but by all of the adults around me. There was NOWHERE to turn because all of those adults had been abandoned too. They were simply repeating the cycle to no fault of their own. My desire to learn and grow emotionally was pushing against my heart like a volcano wanting to explode. My fear and confusion became a sense of urgency and panic anytime I felt an unwelcome, misunderstood emotion. The fear and urgency were conditioned in me and in you too, if you resonate with what I’m saying. That urgency is often the fear of the painful emotions that were denied and rejected as children. People who are finally ready to work on their wounding face a dilemma. They know they need to address the feelings associated with the wounding but are trained to be afraid of those very feelings. When you sense urgency, cultivate curiosity to assess whether the urgency is relevant. That urgency is often a firefighter part that wants to fix the emergency now. The firefighter thinks that we can’t handle the pain and must get around it as quickly as possible. Like any part, we must give it presence, validation, and understanding. We can only do that if we stop identifying with the urgency and have enough space to be with it. The Satisfaction Cycle and Sensitivity Cycle are common frameworks used in somatic therapy. The Satisfaction Cycle reflects how engaging in the environment shows up developmentally and somatically and discusses ways that developmental wounding disintegrates these five actions. The Sensitivity Cycle provides a similar schema and exploration but focuses on how direct action differs from adapted indirect action. Each schema discusses ways barriers or blocks can appear at each stage of the cycle and recognizes that each barrier and block comes from some form of wounding and subsequent adaptation. The Satisfaction Cycle from Body Mind Centering The Satisfaction Cycle is a guiding principle within Body Mind Centering, intertwining physical movements with the developmental stages that shape our early years. Rooted in the simplicity of infancy, this cycle manifests through five core movements: yield, push, reach, grasp, and pull. In this exploration, we note key points of each phase and contemplate its impact on our internal experiences as adults. YIELD: Receiving Support with Presence Yielding is relaxing into gravity and the support of the chair, bed, or ground as you sit, lay down, or stand. Like a loved infant, you fully trust what holds you, melting into your container. You are present but your awareness is soft, oceanic, and expansive. You consciously enjoy this held feeling with a sense of gratitude. You do not feel stuck, trapped, or frozen as in a collapse or resistance state. Rather, you feel that you can rest and connect here until you feel ready to use this surface as a sturdy base from which to launch in a graceful, integrated way. Without the trust of the yield all other movements are compromised.
PUSH: Grounding, Knowing and Asserting the Self Pushing refers to how the body interacts with gravity and the sturdy base. It involves pressing body parts into supporting surfaces, which creates a compression in the tissues, bones, and joints. Pushing represents the internal awareness of ourselves and asserts our separate sense of self, laying the groundwork for setting boundaries. Lack of boundaries or overly rigid defenses can emerge if independence was either rushed or thwarted.
REACH: Toward Space, Levity, and Desire Reaching is the body’s relationship to space. Reaching brings our attention to what is external to the body and the self. It uses the support of the sturdy base and the strength of the push to create lightness and buoyancy in body parts as they extend out into the world. Reaching lengthens muscles and tissues, supporting the ability to say "yes" and move toward desires. Without yield and push (trust and strength) the reach can become frantic, compulsive, restricted, or confused. Examples of this are people pleasing, not pursuing your own wants and needs, feeling unable to identify someone you want to connect with, and not knowing how to take initiative.
GRASP: Actualizing Desires, Learning, and Achieving Goals Having mastered yield, push, and reach, we enter the grasp phase. This stage involves actualizing our desires, taking responsibility, and integrating knowledge. It symbolizes a deep understanding that allows us to actualize our inner authenticity in the external world and marks part one of the culmination of the satisfaction cycle. Without the support of yield, push, and reach (trust, strength, and agency) grasping (effectiveness) is elusive. In that case, grasping can become like binging food or television long after satiety, or neurotic perfectionism where one never allows the project to be done, or getting the promotion but avoiding the learning and responsibility that goes with it, or reading a lot of self-help books but never putting the the advice into practice, or receiving a proper apology with a behavior change but continuing to resent the person who apologized.
PULL: The Moment of Transformation The pull phase completes the cycle, bringing us back to yield. As we pull what we desire towards us, we enter a state of enjoyment and gratitude, reflecting on our achievements. Pull is a stage of transformation. Knowledge becomes wisdom, responding becomes an outcome, food is assimilated into the body, work becomes a product, an apology becomes a repair, a promotion becomes a fulfilling wonderland of challenge and growth. Accepting what has been received or accomplished readies us for a new cycle or interest.
Thus the action yield, push, reach, grasp, and pull work together building a foundation of trust upon which flexible strength can develop, which lends itself to the lightness of desire that ignites our effective action in the world that provides results that foster enjoyment and gratitude which in turn creates more trust and stability. Mastering the Satisfaction Cycle create a positive feedback loop that leads to fulfillment, connection, and abundance. The Sensitivity Cycle and the Barriers to Aliveness
Invented by Ron Kurtz, the Sensitivity Cycle is a central theory of the Hakomi Method, attempting to explain the intricate ways in which individuals perceive, process, and navigate their experiences. When the sensitivity cycle functions optimally it presents as a harmonious interplay of four key elements.
A seamless synergy of these four elements cultivates a sense of flow in one's life. However, due to developmental wounding, trauma, and the adaptations that follow, there exists the potential for getting "stuck" in unhealthy patterns or situations that can be thought of as barriers at one or more of the stages of this cycle.
Regardless of the specific barrier type, a core belief persists that you cannot directly ask for or obtain what you want or need. This deeply embedded belief that came from long ago, usually childhood, influences your ability to act in relationships and the world. Instead of being direct, you develop complex strategies aimed at fulfilling your wants or needs. However, despite your efforts, these strategies consistently fail to get you what you want and need, leading to ongoing frustration, disappointment, and deprivation. From my perspective, a cognitive distortion arises when a “part” or subpersonality is activated and in distress. A Part is any subpersonality that arises that is not the “compassionate witnessing observer” (CWO). People sometimes refer to their “parts” as sides, modes, etc. of themselves (“I have a dark/wild/naive/youthful/serious side,” “I can really get into hyperfocus mode,” “part of me just loves to dance and I have to take him out to the honky-tonk,” etc.)
The “compassionate witnessing observer” (CWO) is called many things by many spiritual and therapeutic traditions. This is what I choose to call it. Qualities of the CWO include, objectivity, seeing the “good” in everything and everyone but also recognizing when a “good” being is not acting in the best interest of itself or others usually because of confusion. The CWO feels settled and self-assured, calm patience, wholeness, comfort with awareness and presence, and more. When a part is present it does not necessarily mean that the part is in distress. When someone feels distress, however, a part is always present and contains the distress. This is ok, expected, and particularly functional when the part is also connected to the CWO. When the part is not connected to the CWO, is when larger problems can occur. Whether or not the part is connected to the CWO, if the part is in distress, it is likely that the part is embodying a cognitive distortion. A cognitive distortion is when someone's thinking does not align with reality and what someone can reasonably know about reality. Each distortion arises in response to a body state that emerged as a reactive adaptation to the environment and produces a responding body state that further attempts to adapt usually to a suboptimal situation. All body state responses are unique to the individual. As you read through these, notice what your body does. Stick with sensation (tingly, hot, metallic, collapsed, watery, foggy, etc.) rather than story or emotional words. Do your best to stay in touch with your CWO. If you have not had a direct experience with your CWO, that’s ok. However, you are more likely to become triggered, defensive, activated, or have some kind of difficulty in general as you read and feel through this list. Stop the exercise if you reach a limit. All-or-Nothing Thinking (Black-and-White Thinking): Seeing situations in extremes, without recognizing middle ground or shades of gray. Overgeneralization: Drawing broad conclusions based on limited evidence, often making predictions about future events based on a single negative experience. Filtering (Selective Abstraction): Focusing exclusively on the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring any positive elements. Jumping to Conclusions:
Personalization: Blaming oneself for external events or circumstances beyond one's control, or attributing external events to personal actions when there is no evidence for such a connection. Should Statements: Setting rigid and unrealistic standards for oneself or others and feeling guilty or upset when these standards are not met. Labeling and Mislabeling: Assigning global, negative labels to oneself or others based on errors or mistakes, rather than recognizing the specific behavior. Emotional Reasoning: Assuming that because one feels a certain way, the feelings must be accurate reflections of reality. Discounting the Positive: Minimizing or dismissing positive experiences, qualities, or accomplishments, often attributing them to luck rather than personal effort. Mind Bluffing: Believing negative thoughts without questioning their validity, taking them at face value. Control Fallacies:
You made it to the bottom of the list! Take a movement, breathing, water, or presence break. Come back to center. Reconnect to your CWO. What did you learn about yourself? 2/18/2024 Object Relations Theory: A Classical Conceptual Foundation for Understanding Modern Attachment TheoryRead NowI am adding a discussion of Object Relations Theory to my blog because it is a theory that has greatly influenced my work. In my opinion it is the beginning of the discussion of attachment and still provides a worthwhile perspective to the modern clinician or informed client despite being a classical theory.
At the end of this article I lay out Mahler’s stages of separation in early life. I do this because the nature of the primary wounding in the client can often be located within one of these stages. Knowing at what stage the client is wounded is useful because the way I as the therapist behaves toward the client is different depending on the wound stage. Object Relations Theory is a psychoanalytic theory that focuses on the way individuals relate to others, particularly in the context of interpersonal relationships. Developed within the psychoanalytic tradition, this theory departs from Freudian drive theory, emphasizing the importance of interpersonal experiences and relationships in shaping an individual's psychological development. The term "object" in Object Relations Theory does not refer to inanimate objects but rather to significant people (objects) with whom an individual interacts, such as parents, caregivers, or other important figures. The theory suggests that early relationships, especially with primary caregivers, play a crucial role in the formation of an individual's mental representations or "internal objects." Key concepts in Object Relations Theory include: Internal Objects: Mental representations of others that influence how individuals perceive and interact with people in their lives. These internal objects are shaped by early caregiving experiences. Attachment: Object Relations Theory is closely related to attachment theory, emphasizing the impact of early attachment experiences on emotional and relational development. Transference and Countertransference: These concepts involve the projection of feelings and expectations onto others (transference) and the emotional reactions of the therapist (countertransference) in a therapeutic relationship. Splitting: The tendency to perceive people or situations as all good or all bad, reflecting a lack of integration of positive and negative qualities in others. Introjection: The process of internalizing external objects, incorporating aspects of others into one's own sense of self. Object Relations Theory has been influential in the field of psychotherapy, especially in psychodynamic and relational approaches. Therapists utilizing this perspective aim to explore and understand how past relationships and internalized objects impact a person's current emotional and relational functioning. Here is a list of some key figures associated with Object Relations Theory and the nature of their contributions: Melanie Klein: A pioneering psychoanalyst who made significant contributions to Object Relations Theory. She focused on the early stages of infant development and the impact of internalized objects on psychological functioning. Anna Freud: Continued her father’s work by emphasizing the impact of early childhood experiences, particularly the mother-infant relationship, on the formation of internalized mental representations and object relations in individuals Donald Winnicott: Known for his work on object relations, transitional objects, and the "good enough mother" concept. Winnicott emphasized the importance of the mother-infant relationship in shaping the individual's sense of self. Ronald Fairbairn: Contributed to the development of Object Relations Theory, emphasizing the role of internalized objects and the impact of early relationships on personality development. Wilfred Bion: Extended Object Relations Theory by introducing concepts like "container-contained" and "alpha function." Bion explored the emotional and cognitive aspects of the mother-infant relationship. Margaret Mahler: Known for her research on infant development and separation-individuation processes. Her work has been influential in understanding the early formation of object relations. Harry Stack Sullivan: While not exclusively an Object Relations theorist, Sullivan's interpersonal theory influenced later developments in Object Relations Theory. He emphasized the role of interpersonal relationships in shaping personality. Otto Kernberg: Integrated Object Relations Theory with psychoanalytic concepts and made contributions to understanding personality disorders, particularly focusing on borderline personality organization. Heinz Kohut: Developed Self Psychology, a branch of Object Relations Theory, focusing on the role of self-objects and the formation of a cohesive sense of self. D.W. Winnicott: A psychoanalyst who extended Winnicott's ideas and made further contributions to Object Relations Theory, particularly in the areas of play and creativity. Margaret Mahler, a psychoanalyst and researcher, proposed a developmental model known as the Separation-Individuation theory within the context of Object Relations. This theory outlines stages in the early development of infants as they form a sense of self and relatedness to others. The key stages in Margaret Mahler's Separation-Individuation theory are:
Margaret Mahler's stages of development emphasize the gradual process of separation and individuation, with a focus on the evolving relationship between the infant and the primary caregiver. If there is a major disruption at one or more of these stages, the likelihood of maladaptation increases and shows up in a manner that is associated with the stage at which the disruption occurred. This is useful to know as a clinician or client because the solution to the wound can be found in the task of the stage at which the wound occurred. This notion that the wound contains the antidote is common across psychological theories and, in my experience, pans out in the actual practice of psychotherapy.
What is Past Reality Integration (PRI)?
PRI, created by Ingeborg Bosch, operates on the assumption that emotions and behavioral patterns impacting our daily lives are rooted in old traumas from our early years, often unbeknownst to us. Whether grappling with depression, burnout, anxiety, panic attacks, addiction, eating issues, or relationship challenges, PRI posits that the origin of these problems lies in past experiences, veiling the residual pain from that time. In PRI therapy, your therapist guides you to apply PRI techniques independently based on your specific concerns, a process established during an intake interview. Through careful observation and utilization of the PRI model, which elucidates the workings of the brain, you gain deeper insights into your emotions and defenses. The therapeutic process involves consciously halting habitual behaviors to access latent, unconscious feelings linked to your past. The ultimate goal is not to perpetuate the experience of old pain but to progressively live without unnecessary challenges and defenses. PRI therapy enables you to swiftly recognize and dismantle activating behaviors, allowing you to experience the present unburdened and fostering authentic connections with yourself and your environment. The Handout The handout available for download at the top of this webpage lists off the defenses people commonly use to protect against perceptions of abandonment, rejection, and neglect. On the first page, you'll see each defense listed and the antidote to it right after. Below the defense-antidote you will see the "narrative" of the defense or the thoughts that go with it. On the second page, you will see the PRI model of a trigger. At the bottom of the second page you see on the left the trigger getting integrated and on the right the trigger getting suppressed and filed back into the unconscious. A defense mechanism is a subconscious psychological strategy employed by individuals to cope with and manage emotions, particularly anxiety or stress, by protecting themselves from thoughts, feelings, or impulses perceived as threatening or distressing. These mechanisms operate outside of conscious awareness and are aimed at maintaining psychological balance and protecting self-esteem. Introduced by Sigmund Freud and further developed by other psychologists, defense mechanisms include many different processes, including the ones listed below. While these mechanisms can be adaptive in moderating emotional distress, their overuse or misuse may lead to maladaptive coping strategies, hindering personal growth and well-being.
Repression: Unconsciously forgetting or blocking out unpleasant memories or thoughts. Denial: Refusing to acknowledge the existence of something distressing or threatening. Projection: Attributing one's own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or motives to others. Displacement: Redirecting emotions or impulses from their original source to a less threatening one. Sublimation: Transforming socially unacceptable impulses or urges into socially acceptable actions. Rationalization: Offering logical or reasonable explanations for behaviors or thoughts that are actually driven by irrational motives. Regression: Reverting to an earlier stage of psychological development in response to stress or conflict. Reaction Formation: Expressing the opposite of what one truly feels or thinks, often as a defense against unacceptable impulses. Intellectualization: Dealing with emotional conflicts or stress by focusing on abstract or intellectual aspects. Suppression: Consciously choosing to not think about or dwell on certain thoughts or feelings. Undoing: Engaging in behavior to counteract or "undo" guilt or anxiety resulting from unacceptable thoughts or actions. Identification: Associating oneself with someone or something in order to enhance self-esteem or reduce anxiety. Fantasy: Creating an imaginary world to escape from or compensate for perceived deficiencies in reality. Compensation: Overachieving in one area to make up for perceived failures or shortcomings in another. Splitting: Viewing people, situations, or oneself in extremes of either all good or all bad, to avoid the anxiety of ambivalence. Somatization: Expressing emotional distress through physical symptoms or ailments. Acting Out: Engaging in impulsive or inappropriate behavior as a way of expressing unconscious emotions. Humor: Using humor as a defense mechanism to cope with distressing situations or emotions. Sour Grapes: a cognitive strategy in which individuals, unable to attain something they desire, devalue or dismiss the desired object or goal as unimportant or undesirable to ease the emotional impact of unmet needs. Selective Forgetting: "Choosing" to remember only certain details of an event while forgetting others to protect oneself from discomfort. Isolation of Affect: Separating feelings from ideas and events, dealing with emotional aspects in a detached and intellectualized manner. Compartmentalization: Separating conflicting thoughts or emotions into separate compartments to avoid internal conflict. Minimization: Downplaying the significance of one's thoughts, feelings, or actions to reduce anxiety or guilt. Idealization: Seeing someone or something as perfect, admirable, or superior as a way to avoid dealing with negative feelings. Withdrawal: Physically or emotionally removing oneself from a situation to avoid potential stress or conflict. Passive-Aggression: Indirectly expressing hostility or anger through passive means rather than directly confronting the source. Sarcasm: Using humor or irony to mock or convey contempt in a way that masks true feelings. Autistic Fantasy: Retreating into a rich fantasy life to escape from reality and cope with emotional stress. Projective Identification: Projecting positive or negative thoughts or feelings onto another person and simultaneously reacting with the projected material as if it now belongs to the other person. Self-Serving Bias: Attributing positive events or successes to one's own character while attributing negative events or failures to external factors. Spiritual Bypassing: Using spiritual beliefs or practices to avoid dealing with unresolved psychological issues. Compulsive Behavior: Engaging in repetitive, ritualistic actions to alleviate anxiety or prevent a feared event from occurring. How does getting "triggered" work?
Trigger Logic: this refers to the the thought pattern related to maintaining the intensity and "flavor" of the trigger. When in the process of a trigger, we can feel like it is of the utmost importance to maintain the triggered state; that to let it go would compromise our integrity, safety, or goal in the moment. The thoughts can say to us that it is impossible to regulate. To even think of regulating can feel threatening, insulting, or shaming. It Just Feels So Real: The reason its hard to "reason" with a trigger is because your body really feels like its in the original past event while your mind does not have the sensation of remembering. So you are actually feeling the past but absolutely cannot distinguish it from the present. In our example, the loss of the keychain object feels like the forced removal of the stuffed animal when you were a little child. The self attack you engage in is the defense you used as a child to deal with the wound created by the misattuned parent. When the stuffed animal was taken away, your little body went into chaos. You didn't understand what was happening and blamed yourself, because that is what little children do to maintain the notion that their caregivers are "good, reliable, and worthy of trust." It is safer for a child to think that they are the problem rather than the adults because they rely on the adults for survival. So, when you are triggered, you essentially "forget" you are an adult and feel like a threatened child, teenager, or some other past disempowered version of yourself. You experience that past version in your body and you feel like that version is you in the here and now, even though it is not, in fact, you currently. Regulation: Its Not So Easy. Just because there is a thought component to trigger logic does not mean that it is easy to "just regulate" in the moment. Regulating take a ton of awareness and practice. People who have been able to practice genuine regulation are lucky, privileged, and hard-working because genuine regulation practices are hard to come by and, at times, hard to learn. Once someone understands how to regulate and their particular needs regarding regulating, the process can become quite simple. The road to simplicity can be a long and harrowing one, however, with many opportunities for illusions, mysteries, and traps along the way. How do I learn to regulate?
How do I know that I am regulating and not dissociating or coping with compartmentalization? In essence, you will be able to assess the objective magnitude of an event in terms of its level of threat towards you and others. You will be able to recognize that most unpleasant events are uncomfortable and inconvenient but are not emergencies or a sign that either you or the world are completely awful. Your emotions will serve as trustworthy messengers rather than threatening energies that totally overwhelm you. You will be able to think and feel at the same time and be able to choose a course of action that is in your and other's best interest. Survivor Bias
I wanted to address survivor bias because I often talk about how to achieve positive outcomes in mind-body health care. I felt it would be unethical not to mention the reality that not everyone heals. It is so tempting to stay focused on those who heal and how they did it, but ultimately, it can be really hard to discern what caused the healing, especially because I tend to advocate that my clients pursue a multidisciplinary route to healing. Privilege It should also be noted that there is a lot of privilege at times in being able to pursue a multipronged healing approach. I personally sit with grief that transformation is not available to all who desire it. Here are some of the way that survivor bias interferes with our ability to better understand the crux of healing in both mainstream and alternative healthcare: Survivor Bias in Mainstream Healthcare Survivor bias in health outcomes refers to the distortion that can occur when analyzing data or drawing conclusions about health based only on individuals who have survived or reached a certain point in a study, treatment, or condition. This bias arises when individuals who did not survive or dropped out of the study are not included in the analysis, leading to an incomplete and potentially misleading understanding of health outcomes. Here are a few examples to illustrate survivor bias in health outcomes: Clinical Trials: If a clinical trial only reports the outcomes of participants who completed the study and ignores those who dropped out due to adverse effects or lack of improvement, there may be a biased representation of the treatment's effectiveness. Including only "survivors" in the analysis can overstate the positive effects and underestimate potential risks. Longitudinal Studies: In studies tracking the health outcomes of a particular population over time, survivor bias can occur if the analysis is based solely on individuals who have reached a certain age or milestone. This may lead to an overly optimistic view of the population's health, as those who experienced negative health outcomes or premature death are not considered. Disease Registries: When compiling data from disease registries or databases, survivor bias can occur if only individuals who are still alive or actively seeking treatment are included. This might lead to an underestimation of the severity of the disease or the effectiveness of certain treatments. Observational Studies: In observational studies where individuals self-select into treatment groups, survivor bias may occur if only those who respond positively to a particular intervention continue to participate or report their outcomes. This could create a falsely positive impression of the intervention's efficacy. To address survivor bias in health outcomes, researchers need to consider the entire population under study, including those who did not survive or dropped out. Analyzing complete datasets allows for a more accurate assessment of the factors influencing health outcomes and helps avoid drawing conclusions based solely on individuals who have "survived" a particular point in the process. Survivor bias in Alternative Health Care: Survivor bias can also be relevant when evaluating health outcomes in the context of alternative healthcare practices. In this context, survivor bias may manifest in various ways, potentially affecting the perception of the efficacy and safety of alternative treatments. Here are a few scenarios where survivor bias might be observed in alternative healthcare: Self-Selection Bias in Testimonials: Individuals who have positive experiences with alternative healthcare treatments may be more inclined to share their success stories or testimonials. This self-selection bias can create an unrepresentative sample, as those who did not experience positive outcomes or had negative reactions may be less likely to report their experiences. Online Communities and Forums: Discussions in online health forums or communities may primarily involve individuals who have had positive experiences with alternative treatments. Negative experiences or lack of efficacy might be underrepresented, leading to a skewed perception of the success rates of these treatments. Long-Term Follow-Up: Alternative healthcare practices often lack rigorous long-term studies and follow-up assessments. If individuals who initially report positive outcomes are followed up, while those who did not experience benefits or faced adverse effects drop out of follow-up studies, survivor bias may lead to an overestimation of treatment success. Exclusion of Unsuccessful Cases in Research: Some alternative healthcare studies may selectively report positive results and exclude cases where the treatment did not work or caused harm. This can lead to an inflated perception of the overall success of the treatment. Underreporting of Adverse Events: Individuals who have adverse reactions to alternative healthcare treatments may be less likely to report these events, especially if the treatment is perceived as unconventional or not widely accepted in mainstream medicine. This can result in an incomplete understanding of the potential risks associated with alternative therapies. To mitigate survivor bias in alternative healthcare, it's essential to approach the evaluation of treatments with a critical and evidence-based perspective. Researchers and practitioners should strive to collect comprehensive data, including both positive and negative outcomes, and conduct well-designed studies that account for potential biases. Additionally, individuals seeking alternative healthcare should be aware of the importance of reporting both positive and negative experiences to contribute to a more balanced understanding of the treatments they explore. Humility and Balance In acknowledging the reality of survivor bias, it's crucial to foster a compassionate and honest dialogue about the complexities of healing in both mainstream and alternative healthcare. While we often share success stories and pathways to positive outcomes, it's equally important to recognize that not everyone's journey leads to healing. This acknowledgment doesn't diminish the value of those who find transformation but instead invites us to approach discussions with humility and empathy. Healing is multifaceted, and the pursuit of well-being is often influenced by various factors, including access to resources and personal circumstances. As we delve into the challenges posed by survivor bias, we're presented with an opportunity for growth and a commitment to understanding health outcomes more comprehensively. By encouraging a transparent and inclusive approach in research, we can navigate the complexities of both mainstream and alternative healthcare, ensuring that the experiences of all individuals, regardless of their outcomes, contribute to a more nuanced and balanced understanding of health and healing. Challenges in Implementing Change
I’ve worked with some really challenging psyches, especially my own. I’ve seen mind boggling transformations. I’ve also seen people languish for years in the doldrums or agony while wondering why transformation seems out of reach for this person and not for another. The interventions we offer are hugely important in creating the change, but if the seed of change is planted on unprepared soil, very little or nothing is likely to grow. The person receiving the intervention must know already or learn how to accept change once it has been made. This is a necessary condition that is often overlooked by professionals when prescribing special diets, meditation plans, and even surgeries and medicine. If a client does not know how to change and be different, I believe the likelihood of an intervention working is impacted. Upper Limits Problem This is something akin to the upper limits problem. The "upper limits problem" refers to a psychological phenomenon where individuals set self-imposed ceilings on their achievements or capabilities, often without realizing it. People may unknowingly sabotage their own potential by subconsciously adhering to these limits, which can hinder their progress and prevent them from reaching their full potential. Overcoming the upper limits problem requires self-awareness, introspection, and a willingness to challenge ingrained beliefs and behaviors in order to break through these artificial barriers and unleash one's true capabilities. The willingness necessary to change may be hard won, however, depending on how dysregulated a person’s nervous system is. The Resourcing Phase This is why the “resourcing” phase is so crucial. The resourcing phase in trauma therapy means training the nervous system to be regulated enough for trauma processing. That does not mean “applying” regulation techniques like breathing, positive thinking, stretching and so on. Rather that means validating pain in the client in a specific way that enables the resources to emerge on their own. Due to the non-linear nature of this process and the varieties of nervous system presentations, this phase can take a long time or be the only phase that a client ever works on. I really want to believe that nervous system healing is possible for everyone, barring extreme damage to the system. I hope that as we continue to learn more about the nervous system that we get increasingly better and efficient at helping people make lasting changes despite innate challenges. Cognitive Dissonance and Belief Systems This week in my practice I became more aware of how cognitive dissonance presents in clients who seem to experience better psychological states and then fall back into old patterns and systems of belief over and over again. It is so important to note that “just changing your belief system” is not a thing. Occasionally we see a radical change in belief system but instances such as these are outliers and not the norm. Beliefs are embodied and the embodied experience of a belief must change along with the “words in the head” (thoughts). Typically I see progress being made in clients like an inchworm, to put it in an overly simplistic way. Half of them get to a new state then the other half catches up and on and on. Cognitive dissonance is a psychological theory developed by Leon Festinger in 1957. It refers to the discomfort or mental tension that a person experiences when they hold two or more conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or values simultaneously, or when their behavior conflicts with their beliefs or values. The key idea behind cognitive dissonance is that individuals strive for internal consistency in their thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. When inconsistencies arise, they are motivated to reduce the discomfort by changing one of the conflicting elements. This can happen through various means, such as changing one's beliefs, acquiring new information to support existing beliefs, or minimizing the importance of the conflict. For example, if someone is aware that smoking is harmful to health but continues to smoke, they may experience cognitive dissonance. To reduce this discomfort, they might downplay the risks of smoking, convince themselves that they have other healthy habits, or find other ways to justify their behavior. Cognitive dissonance theory has been widely used to explain various psychological phenomena, including attitude change, decision-making, and rationalization of behavior. Addressing Cognitive Dissonance Addressing cognitive dissonance involves acknowledging and resolving the conflicting beliefs, attitudes, or behaviors causing discomfort. Here are some strategies to directly address cognitive dissonance: Awareness: to become aware of the cognitive dissonance is half the battle. Furthermore, acknowledging and admitting that one is in a cognitive dissonance dynamic invites intentionality rather than reactivity when it comes to addressing the dissonance. Somatic Exploration of Beliefs: this goes along with awareness. Beliefs are not just in the thoughts. Beliefs express through the body. If I believe that I am bad, I may have a collapsed posture. If I believe that I am worthy of love, my body may take a relaxed attitude. Seek Information: I may need to learn more about each conflicting side of the dissonance. In this context, I may need to learn more about the origin of the limiting belief in my life. In turn, I may also need to learn more about the more helpful mindset before my intellect feels comfortable with going through the change process. Explore the Golden Shadow: unhelpful beliefs are often in “parts” or subpersonalities that we have disowned. The best course of action in dealing with parts is to acknowledge that the now unhelpful belief was actually beneficial at one time and brought many gifts with it. You can then invite the part to transform and take on a new “job,” thereby more fully expressing its innate gifts. Case Example: Sonia's Struggle with Self-Worth and Self-Care Sonia, a 40-year-old executive, sought therapy to address persistent feelings of low self-worth. Despite her professional success, she struggled with a deep-seated belief that she was not worthy of care and attention, leading to challenges in implementing a self-care routine. Making time for herself brought up an unbearable feeling of friction and a panic like feeling in her body. Background: Sonia's childhood was marked by high expectations from her parents, conditioning her to believe that her value was contingent on achievement. This belief persisted into her adult life, impacting her relationships and, most notably, her ability to prioritize self-care. Presenting Issues: In therapy, Sonia expressed feeling overwhelmed by work demands and the constant need to prove herself. Despite recognizing the importance of self-care, she found it challenging to implement and sustain a routine due to an underlying belief that taking time for herself was undeserved. Pressure was mounting for her to resolve this conflict because she was beginning to develop significant digestive issues that were interfering with her ability to function. Therapeutic Process: Awareness Stage: Sonia, with the support of her therapist, became aware of the cognitive dissonance between her acknowledgment of the importance of self-care and her ingrained, felt-sense belief that she didn't deserve it. This dissonance triggered anxiety and guilt whenever she attempted self-care activities. Somatic Exploration of Beliefs: Through therapeutic conversations, Sonia explored the origins of her belief system and how that was showing-up in her body. She discovered that her worth had become tied to external validation, and any focus on self-care stirred feelings of guilt and impending inadequacy. When engaging in self-care shoe could not relax her body and take in the nourishing effects of self-care. Seeking Information: Sonia engaged in educational sessions with her therapist to understand the psychological and physiological benefits of self-care. Sonia values scientific data, so her therapist provided articles that satisfied Sonia’s intellect. This information highlighted how her negative beliefs about self-worth came from her attempts to survive her past relationship with her parents and did not make sense as a useful mode of function in her life now. Cognitive Dissonance Challenge and The Golden Shadow: Sonia faced the challenge of actively challenging her belief system. As she started incorporating small self-care practices, such as walks in nature and setting time boundaries at work, she experienced internal resistance in the form of feelings of guilt and anxiety. Sonia practiced staying with the physical sensations of her resistance as she took steps to care for herself anyway. Sonia was able to validate how useful the adaptation of self-denial was early on in her life and discovered that this “part” that self denies holds her intuitive awareness of her want and needs and how to flow through her life addressing those wants and needs while also staying on top of responsibilities and goals. Resolution and Integration: Over time, Sonia worked on reframing and reembodying her beliefs about self-worth. She discovered that her down time and boundaries not only did not detract from her value, rather, they enhanced her ability to be efficient and creative at work. Furthermore, the backlash she expected from colleagues never came and Sonia realized that people around her approved of her prioritizing herself. The therapist guided her in developing a self-compassionate narrative and understanding that self-care was not only deserved but crucial for her overall well-being and, secondarily, her performance as a worker. Outcome: As Sonia persistently confronted her cognitive dissonance, she began to see positive changes. The implementation of a self-care routine, initially met with inner conflict, became more natural. Sonia reported feeling more in flow, resilient to work stress, and, most importantly, a growing sense of embodied self-worth detached from external achievements. Closing thoughts: This case highlights the intricate relationship between self-worth and the ability to prioritize self-care. Through somatic exploration, embodied parts work, gentle exposure therapy, Sonia experienced organic cognitive restructuring and successfully navigated the cognitive dissonance, fostering positive changes in her beliefs and daily practices. You can see why it is hard for individuals to make big changes at times. An important stage of change I am noticing in my own processing is the need to intentionally create integration time after a big session. It goes like this: I work on a big wound, the session ends on a note of care, love, and self-compassion, and then I am facing the unknown. My personality now has the opportunity to update, but I must make space for the unknown. There is a tendency for humans to fill in the unknown with old stories, interpretations, and explanations. For my personality to really update, I have to know what the unknown feels like and intentionally stay there for awhile with curiosity about what will come through next. I allow my personality to update spontaneously rather than imposing an ideal created by my thoughts. In this way, I consciously confront the upper limits problem and cognitive dissonance to that the new can emerge. If you are new to the mental health treatment world, you may feel confused and overwhelmed by the different letters at the end of practitioners names. Here is a glossary of mental health practitioner types and licenses.
Psychiatrist: A medical doctor (MD) or doctor of osteopathic medicine (DO) specializing in the diagnosis, treatment, and prevention of mental illnesses. Psychiatrists can prescribe medication. Psychologist: A professional with a doctoral degree (Ph.D. or Psy.D.) in psychology, trained to diagnose and treat mental health disorders through therapy and counseling. Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC): A mental health professional with a master’s degree in counseling or a related field. LPCs provide therapy and counseling services to individuals, couples, and families. Clinical Social Worker (LCSW): A licensed social worker with a master’s degree in social work and specialized training in clinical practice. LCSWs offer therapy, counseling, and support services. Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT): A mental health professional with a master’s or doctoral degree in marriage and family therapy. LMFTs specialize in working with couples and families to address relationship issues. Psychotherapist: A generic term for professionals who provide talk therapy to address emotional and psychological issues. This term can encompass psychologists, social workers, counselors, and psychiatrists. Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (PMHNP): A nurse practitioner with specialized training in psychiatry. PMHNPs can assess, diagnose, and treat mental health disorders, including prescribing medication. Substance Abuse Counselor/Licensed Addiction Counselor (LAC): A professional trained to help individuals struggling with substance abuse and addiction. They may hold various degrees, including LPC, LCSW, or specific certifications. Supervisor: A counseling supervisor is an experienced and credentialed professional who provides guidance, oversight, and support to counselors-in-training or practicing counselors to enhance their clinical skills, ethical conduct, and professional development. Milieu Therapist: A therapist who works within a therapeutic environment or community setting, actively shaping the therapeutic milieu to facilitate positive social interactions and promote the well-being of individuals receiving mental health services. Group Counselor: A professional who facilitates therapeutic sessions with a group of individuals, fostering mutual support, communication, and personal growth within the group dynamic. Couples Counselor: A professional who specializes in providing therapy and guidance to couples, assisting them in resolving conflicts, improving communication, and enhancing their relationship. Case Worker: A professional who assesses, plans, coordinates, and advocates for the services and resources needed by individuals or families to address their specific needs and improve their overall well-being. Sex Therapist (CST): a specialized mental health professional who helps individuals and couples address and navigate issues related to sexuality, intimacy, and sexual health through counseling and therapeutic interventions. Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT): a mental health professional who specializes in assisting individuals with compulsive sexual behaviors, employing therapeutic interventions to address and manage issues related to sex addiction. Art Therapist: A mental health professional who uses art-based interventions to help individuals explore and express their emotions. Art therapists may have degrees in art therapy or related fields. Music Therapist: A therapist who uses music-based interventions to address emotional, social, and cognitive issues. Music therapists may have degrees in music therapy or related fields. Behavior Analyst: A professional trained in applied behavior analysis (ABA) to assess and address behavioral issues, often working with individuals with autism spectrum disorder or developmental disabilities. “Where would I find enough leather To cover the entire surface of the earth? But with leather soles beneath my feet, It’s as if the whole world has been covered.” ― Shantideva I went through the following inquiry in my twenties at a particularly low point: Maybe you think you want the whole world to change. For who? You? Those you see as victims? Some things could be better, absolutely. Hasn’t that always been the case? And how will you know when things are perfect or enough? Are you willing to put your life on hold until the world catches up with your vision of perfection? How about someone else's life? A bit risky, no? I realized that tragedy and extreme suffering will always be a part of life. This was a very sad realization but also a necessary one. I confronted the necessity to take my life and well-being into my own hands. I also had to acknowledge my zone of influence, which was and is quite small. I had to learn to take comfort that the good I do in my life and the lives around me will ripple out through time and space in ways I can’t understand. So will the bad, but that is for another time. Sometimes we might think there is a way to “Nerf” the world. That is to say, cover the entire world in softness so that everything and everyone feels good, safe, and easy. Folks have come into my office sort of demanding or begging that life stop being so hard on them. This magical thinking usually stems from prolonged desperation and overwhelm and an externally skewed locus of control. It’s common for mental health professionals to want easier circumstances for their clients too. It can be so hard to watch so many people go through unimaginable pain. We just want to rescue people from unjust circumstances so badly because we care so much about helping have good lives. It can feel intolerable to watch the good life be unattainable for some. The following is an allegory for why we and those we care for must struggle sometimes. I want to add a caveat that, while it is true that struggle is good for us, we must still work to advocate for marginalized people and eliminate as much unnecessary struggle as possible. Life is hard enough. We do not need racism and other prejudice in addition. The Monk and The Moth Once upon a time in a serene monastery nestled amidst lush mountains, there lived a wise and compassionate monk. The monk was known for his deep understanding of the interconnectedness of life and his ability to find beauty and lessons in every aspect of nature. One day, as the monk strolled through the monastery gardens, he came across a delicate moth struggling to emerge from its cocoon. The creature seemed trapped, its wings tangled in the fibers that once provided protection. Moved by compassion, the monk decided to help the struggling moth. With great care, he took a small pair of scissors and delicately cut away the cocoon, allowing the moth to emerge freely. As the moth unfolded its wings, the monk marveled at its beauty. However, to his surprise, the moth fluttered weakly and then fell to the ground, unable to fly. The monk watched in sorrow as the moth struggled in vain. It soon became clear that the premature intervention had left the moth's wings and body underdeveloped and full of fluid. The struggle to break free from the cocoon was essential for the moth's wings to gain strength and for the excess fluid to be squeezed from the moth’s body.
Reflecting on the unintended consequence of his compassionate act, the monk realized that the struggle was a vital part of the moth's transformation. In trying to alleviate its immediate challenge, he had unintentionally hindered the natural process necessary for the moth's survival. As the moth's life flickered away, the monk bowed his head in remorse, understanding the profound lesson the universe had imparted through this delicate creature. He realized that sometimes, the hardships and struggles we face are intrinsic to our growth, resilience, and the development of our inner strength. The story of the monk and the moth served as a reminder within the monastery. The monk acknowledged that the intricate dance of life often requires a delicate balance between compassion and allowing the natural course of events to unfold. Closing Thoughts We have to struggle and people we care about have to struggle. Often, it is more loving and helpful to tolerate and encourage the struggle instead of trying to alleviate it. Being willing to accept and find the lessons in the struggle fosters resilience over time, covering our feet in leather in a world that will never be totally soft. Forgive me for the woefully incomplete treatment of this idea. I wanted to get this into the mix of my blog topics so I can think about how it integrates with my other ideas.
Psychotherapy, at its core, can be seen as an application of philosophy, with different therapeutic modalities embodying specific philosophical perspectives. Somatic therapy can be thought of as applied phenomenology, in particular, where we focus on experiences manifesting in the moment. The philosophy of Phenomenology is reflected in somatic therapy in that it focuses on the subjective in-the-moment appearance of phenomena to an individual. This essay explores the relationship between philosophy and empiricism in the context of somatic psychotherapy, examining how these seemingly divergent approaches coalesce to create synergistic results. Philosophy in Somatic Therapy: Somatic therapy, which reflects the philosophy of phenomenology, partially operates on the premise that experiences emerge spontaneously in the present moment. Much like phenomena appearing in real life in phenomenology, somatic therapy delves into the immediacy of bodily sensations, movements, and experiences. This emphasis on the subjective, lived experience aligns with the phenomenological exploration of consciousness and the essence of experience. In other words, in somatic therapy, we avoid trying to interpret a topic of interest and instead focus on recreating the elements of it that we can in the room (i.e. through the use of projective objects and observing the body along with the emergent elements in the mind like spontaneous images). Antithesis of Empiricism: The immediacy of experiences in somatic therapy is antithetical to empiricism, which emphasizes observable "evidence" that there is a consistent "truth" across contexts that we can obtain through systematic evaluation, that is, the scientific method. While empiricism seeks tangible and measurable outcomes, phenomenology, particularly in the somatic context, values the subjective and spontaneous nature of human experience that invites the meaning-making of the person who experiences it. This inherent tension has historical roots, with empiricism initially appearing to be at odds with phenomenological and somatic approaches in turn. Synergy in Somatic Therapy: Despite the apparent dichotomy, modern somatic therapy demonstrates a unique synergy between phenomenology and empiricism, a combination that can be described as "toward" pragmatism as outlined in this beautiful essay by O.G. Rose. In a somatic therapy session, the subjective immediacy of phenomenological experiences is harnessed, providing a rich landscape for exploration. Empiricism, with its systematic evaluation, then complements this process by validating and verifying the generalized efficacy of somatic interventions. Furthermore, traditional evidence-based approaches bolster the efficacy of somatic therapeutic processes by acting as a measuring tool for how well someone is progressing in therapy as well as contributing valuable psychoeducation that orients the client. Together, they contribute to a holistic understanding of the human experience. For example, concepts like ‘formerly helpful belief systems that are no longer adaptive and cause problems for clients’ are core tenets of cognitive therapists. In the paraphrased words of one of my Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Trainers “cognitive therapies are necessary but not sufficient for genuine psychological transformation.” A client may know that they have faulty thinking but a part of them still holds that outmoded belief, along with its emotions and behaviors. Thus, when somatic therapy supports that part in transforming, we will have accomplished the goal that cognitive therapy sets out to do but is unable to provide in certain cases with its current set of tools and approaches. We need cognitive therapy’s goals and objectives so that we know we are on the right track with the somatic therapy. When both clients and counselors alike know what we want to accomplish and why, we are empowered by having direction and clarity and held accountable by grounded, empirically demonstrated measurements. Evolution of Empiricism's Perspective: Historically, evidence-based practices have been skeptical of working with the type of emergent material that somatic practices embrace. Emergent parts, memories, emotions, and the expression of these in the body were treated as things about which to educate the client, provide a cognitive framework to apply to oneself, and simply see how one’s logic is faulty, which was thought to be enough to provide a behavior change. However, certain enclaves of empirical researchers, like the presenters at the Interpersonal Neurobiology Conference, have shifted their stance over time, recognizing the value of phenomenological approaches in somatic therapy, primarily because we now have much better frameworks for understanding how psychological injury, a.k.a. trauma, functions in the nervous system. The integration of these perspectives has broadened the therapeutic landscape, allowing for a more nuanced understanding of the mind-body connection. Phenomenology Ahead of Empiricism: Within the somatic and other fields of study, phenomenology often outpaces empiricism in capturing the intricacies of human experience. In the study of the history of science, it is evident that experiments are inspired by how life appears to researchers. For example, Newton observed the apple falling and was inspired to create thought experiments that lead to the invention of calculus. He says in his letter to a friend named William Stukeley: "...the notion of gravitation came into my mind. All of a sudden, the apple, as far as I can make out, left the tree. Why should that apple always descend perpendicularly to the ground, thought I to myself. Why should it not go sideways, or upwards? But constantly to the earth’s surface... the reason is, that the earth draws it. There must be a drawing power in matter." The immediacy and subjectivity of somatic practices, such as emotions expressed in the body or images that appear in the mind eye, provide individuals with profound insights into their embodied existence. The manner in which these transformative insights are gained by means of somatic approaches has preceded and is in some instances still ahead of empirical validation, showcasing the unique ability of phenomenology to explore uncharted territories of the mind-body connection and other aspects of life. Of course, there is a long history as well that our interpretation of phenomena leads us astray. Therefore the eternal dance of phenomenological exploration and empirical validation is necessary for us to continue to approach “Truth…” or something like that. Challenges and Growth: While somatic therapy being ahead-of-its-time creates challenges in the field insofar as many of our approaches have yet to be empirically validated, it also prompts growth and innovation. Pioneering somatic therapists continue to explore new techniques and approaches rooted in phenomenological principles, pushing the boundaries of empirical research. This dynamic relationship fosters an evolving and responsive field that prioritizes the immediate needs and experiences of clients. In conclusion, the interplay between philosophy and empiricism in somatic psychotherapy reflects the dynamic tension between the immediacy of phenomenological experiences and the systematic evaluation of empiricism. Somatic therapy, as applied phenomenology, attempts to capture the essence of human existence in the moment, challenging the conventional boundaries of evidence-based practices. The evolving relationship between these two perspectives highlights the importance of embracing both the immediacy of experience and the empirical validation in the pursuit of a comprehensive and effective therapeutic model. Content Warning: This article discusses ideas that may not be suitable for someone who is early on in their therapy/self-healing journey and is more geared toward clinicians as well as clients who are ready to hear more about the intricacies of how therapy works.
Effective therapy is a balance between the “Magic” of deep dive processing modalities (like Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, MFR, EMDR, IFS, and other bottom-up internal process-based approaches) and the “Spinach” of doing hard work (studying, working out, applying yourself, etc), facing fears, sitting with grief, regulating anger, learning about faulty thinking, and recognizing that some current modes of being are no longer helpful (as in CBT, DBT, and other top-down (brain to body) systematized approaches). I am intentionally oversimplifying the intricate nature of the therapeutic process to shed light on a heuristic (framework for thinking about something) as I discuss the "Magic/Spinach" dynamic. Making "spinach" changes means having to feel some productive shame (although shame certainly comes up in the "magic" processes, too). I got the term “Spinach,” which refers to rote work and doing hard things, from Harvard professor of happiness Arthur Brooks. Love it. Before I continue, I am going to take a pause and discuss how shame can be productive: The concept of "productive shame" refers to a perspective where the experience of shame is channeled in a way that leads to positive outcomes and personal growth. While shame is generally considered a negative and distressing emotion, shame can also be viewed as a potentially transformative force when navigated effectively and in the appropriate context. Here are some ways in which shame might be considered productive in a therapeutic context: Awareness and Insight: Experiencing shame can bring attention to underlying beliefs, values, or behaviors that may be contributing to distress or maladaptive patterns. It can serve as a signal that there is something important to explore within oneself. Motivation for Change: Feeling shame about certain behaviors or aspects of yourself may motivate you to seek help and make positive changes in your life. The discomfort of shame can act as a catalyst for personal growth and self-improvement. Fostering Empathy: Experiencing shame can enhance empathy for others who may be going through similar struggles. It can create a sense of connection and understanding, both within oneself and in relationships with others who have faced similar challenges. Practicing Vulnerability: Acknowledging and working through shame requires a degree of vulnerability. Therapeutically, being able to share and explore these feelings can strengthen the therapeutic alliance and create a safe space for deeper emotional processing. Promoting Accountability: Shame can be a powerful force for promoting accountability. Taking ownership of your actions and their consequences, even if this accountability initially involves feelings of shame, can be a crucial step in the process of change and growth. Catalyzing Change in Belief Systems: Shame can prompt individuals to reevaluate and challenge their belief systems. The discomfort of shame may lead to a willingness to question long-held beliefs that are no longer serving them well. Cultural and Social Reflection: In some cases, experiencing shame may prompt individuals to reflect on societal or cultural norms that contribute to these feelings. This broader awareness can lead to social change and advocacy for more inclusive and compassionate communities. It's important to note that the term "productive shame" doesn't imply that shame is inherently positive. Rather, it suggests that within a helping context like therapy, acknowledging and working through shame can contribute to personal development and positive changes. Therapists must approach this aspect of therapy with sensitivity, empathy, and a deep humility regarding the individual's unique experiences and cultural background. Ok, back to Magic Spinach… or is it Spinach Magic? Anyhow: “Magic” refers to any modalities that provide what Bruce Eckert calls memory reconsolidation. Memory reconsolidation can be thought of as brain surgery by means of words. The therapist supports the client in opening their memory pathways that are trained on past wounds. The therapeutic dyad then reroutes those pathways by inserting reparative experiences. You can think of this as redirecting history as far as the brain is concerned. History itself does not change, but emotional aspects of the brain act as if history has, in fact, changed in a way. At times, clients experience a change in their belief system or behavior following as little as one session. It usually takes a few passes plus integration work to really make that change. It's so spectacular, you really need to experience it in the role of a client to see how strong the change can be. The original neural pathways of the wound never go away and can be triggered again but can greatly diminish in their ability to influence a person. “Spinach” refers to the work that reveals places where magic is needed and then helps the magic stick in the long run. There are a few different situations where the Spinach looks different. I will discuss two main situations: client in crisis and client who is stable but dissatisfied. If someone comes to therapy in a crisis, after we validate and regulate, the “Spinach” is looking at and acknowledging one’s part in the crisis as well as where one needs to let go of control and grieve. One’s part is anything that the person could reasonably take responsibility for and not something that was actually out of their control. On the other hand, someone might need to face and grieve existential realities like aging, death, loss, and random chance accidents. Facing pain and shame can be a challenging process, but it often leads to a sense of empowerment and the ability to make different choices. Some individuals may find themselves stuck in the validate-regulate-take ownership/grieve cycle for many years, continuously grappling with these challenges without reaching a point of empowerment. It's important to acknowledge that this phase can extend for a very long time and, in some cases, clients may not progress beyond the validate-regulate phase, and that's okay, but, unfortunately, feelings of empowerment in this instance might be scarce, which is not ideal. Empowerment is a product of taking ownership and/or grieving depending on what the situation requires. While all three actions—validate, regulate, and take ownership/grieve—are crucial, the emphasis on validate-regulate may persist for an extended period due to the need to address deep-seated wounds causing significant nervous system dysregulation. Initially, taking ownership may involve recognizing that the dysregulation is not the client's fault but is their responsibility.The process of taking ownership for life choices may occur later on. Take the classic example of an adult who was abused as a child. As a child they adapted to a bad situation. The adaptation was helpful and right at the time. Now, as an adult the adaptation is no longer getting the person the results they want or need. The adult must recognise that the adaptation was perfect in the past and came about due to bad circumstances. Here the adult will feel the scary feelings from the past, recognize them as “true” and regulate by coming into the present moment, recognising the danger is no longer present. Believe it or not, the process of updating the system can take years and decades. This process looks so simple and straightforward written out, but there are many trials, traps, and illusions that the adult must face as they come out of the past and into the present moment. Part of this process includes occasionally coming to terms with time lost to the adaptation, harmful beliefs, and, therefore, feelings of shame and regret that the person did not have more control over themselves. As a clinician, one can easily see that the mind prison that traps the client is not the client's fault, but just like the little child in the abuse situation, the adult once again blames themselves for problems outside of their control. Whether or not the person should feel shame and regret, they typically do at some point in the updating process. Even though the abused person left the abusive situation, they continue to choose people and situations that feel like the original abusive configuration. Jobs, friends, and partners perpetuate the conditions that created the mind prison in the first place, which not only continues to color the worldview of the abused but also deepens the neural pathways that reflect the impact of that abuse on the victim. Confronting the belief system of an abused person is a process that may span several years. However, I've consistently observed individuals in such situations reaching a crucial moment when they are finally ready to recognize their distorted worldview. The abused person begins to comprehend how the abuser's actions contributed to their belief system which led the victim to repeatedly choose similar situations in life. At this stage of therapy, the person has invested significant effort, enabling them to adopt a new belief system. Prior to this work, their nervous system dysregulation posed a barrier to such a choice. It's essential to clarify that the term "spinach" may suggest we are taking this lightly, but this confronting work is anything but casual. It can be the most challenging experience in one's life. Unfortunately, when the abused individual realizes they've been misled into this mindset, self-blame arises which becomes a period of shame and regret as they work to undo the damage. Consequently, shame, regret, and grief become an unavoidable yet natural part of the healing process. Moving on to situations that are post-crisis: Once the crisis and deep trauma have passed or a client comes to therapy because things are going well on paper but they feel “flat” or “blah,” that means the spinach is to encourage the client to “get stirred up” by doing something scary in their life that they have discussed wanting to do but are avoiding. That could be starting a business, pursuing a romantic relationship, adopting a suitable health regimen for themselves, etc. Basically, you support the client in introducing the pursuit of a major or minor life change that the client says that they want deep down but are avoiding due to a limiting belief system. Therapy sometimes takes on a more “coachy” feel, especially when using modalities such as CBT and DBT. In these methods, therapists offer clients an educational framework and employ motivational techniques to guide them in adhering to that framework. I believe it's crucial to incorporate goal setting and structured learning in therapy because solely focusing on the present moment process can lead to patterns of avoidance between clients and therapists. Clients may resist stepping out of their comfort zones to avoid potential triggers, while therapists might shy away from addressing client discomfort or distress, either due to a lack of understanding or a reluctance to confront areas of avoidance in their own lives. Striking a balance is essential to respect client autonomy, ensuring that encouraging clients to step outside their comfort zones involves a considerable amount of informed consent from the client. We never want to override resistance because it's there for a reason. Indulge resistance too much, however, and you wind up with conditions like agoraphobia and kindling (when triggers proliferate and become stronger rather than decrease in number and weaken). Facing fears is a skill. When someone comes to therapy traumatized, using compassion to help a client face fears in a controlled way is a top priority. As a therapist and not a coach, it is important to let go of the outcome of the client's actions. We are not so concerned with getting the client material world results like a coach is. Rather, we are observing how a client reacts to pursuing a goal or even the thought of pursuing a goal. When you are engaging in potentially triggering territory with a client, like goal setting, you must monitor for dissociation and other adverse reactions that indicate the client is too triggered, out of their window of tolerance, and needs support in decreasing the triggering stimuli. A client getting triggered by something is still useful, however, because it reveals the client's belief system; where there is a trigger there is an unhelpful belief and/or a wound to be processed. Is it better to find the wound and beliefs without triggering the client? For the most part, yes. But it is not the end of the world if a client gets triggered. At best, it's a rich learning opportunity and a moment where we can make some real changes if handled correctly. And so, we encourage the client to pursue a goal, the client begins to do so, gets triggered, and then we can swoop in with the magic of processing and begin memory reconsolidation, installing a new pattern. After this process, the client may realize they want the goal to look different from what was originally imagined. Often, something more in alignment with the client is determined, and the client successfully completes a similar but improved goal in the end. While the client pursues the goal, the therapist has to watch for when the client needs to be encouraged to face their fears (spinach) or if the client needs to process (magic). These two, together over time, create a positive feedback loop, ultimately launching our clients towards their dreams with as little time lost and, frankly, as little discomfort as possible. Again, therapists sometimes avoid supporting clients in pushing themselves because it's uncomfortable, but if you understand this positive feedback loop, you are drawn to empowering you clients in this way because you have confidence that your clients will potentially be able to extract themselves from the pain of avoidance and into the bliss of agency. The longer the client is in avoidance, the longer the pain is prolonged. Timelines may vary here so it is important to expect this process to take years or, at times, be impossible to complete. Therefore, this does not mean you are overwhelming your clients with pushiness. Rather, you are testing the waters regularly to find the best pace and direction for them. To recap, effective therapy can be thought of as threading the needle between the transformative "Magic" of deep processing modalities and the essential "Spinach" of confronting challenges and acknowledging faulty modes of being. The "Magic" involves memory reconsolidation, akin to rewriting emotional history, with the potential for rapid shifts in belief systems or behaviors. Meanwhile, the "Spinach" represents the hard work and processing of difficult emotions required to make these changes enduring. Whether addressing crises or encouraging clients to stir up their lives during moments of stagnation, therapists navigate a fine line between coaching and therapeutic interventions. Emphasizing the importance of facing fears and engaging in deep processing, therapists play a crucial role in steering clients toward their goals while remaining attuned to the balance of discomfort and growth. By understanding and embracing the positive feedback loop between "Magic" and "Spinach," therapists aim to guide clients towards agency and fulfillment, reducing the duration of pain associated with avoidance. This nuanced approach, avoiding undue pushiness and adapting to individual needs, creates a therapeutic journey that minimizes discomfort and maximizes progress over time. Unfortunately, humility sounds an awful lot like “humiliation,” and individuals can project a sense of “going to be punished” on the concept. However, a strong sense of humility is a marker of good mental health because when one is oriented towards reality, you can't help but feel humble.
What is Humility? Humility is a virtue characterized by modesty (i.e., not grandiose; properly estimating how much of one’s power enabled a positive or negative outcome) and a respectful attitude toward oneself and others. It involves an awareness of one's limitations, a lack of arrogance or excessive pride, and a willingness to acknowledge and learn from mistakes. Humble individuals tend to be open to different perspectives, value the contributions of others, and approach situations with a sense of curiosity and a willingness to grow. Humility does not mean self-deprecation or a lack of self-confidence. Instead, it involves recognizing one's strengths and accomplishments while also acknowledging that limitations will always exist and there is always room for improvement. Humble individuals often demonstrate a sense of empathy, gratitude, and a genuine interest in understanding and supporting others. Humility is often considered a key virtue and is seen as a foundation for personal and interpersonal growth. It can foster positive relationships, effective collaboration, and a continuous pursuit of knowledge and self-improvement. What’s not to love about humility? My faviorite thing about humility is how it helps us to relax and appreciate life. Humility contributes to a more relaxed way of living: Reduced Stress from Perfectionism: Humble people tend to be more accepting of their imperfections and mistakes. This acceptance can lead to reduced stress associated with the need to be perfect or constantly meet unrealistic standards. Openness to Learning: Humility involves a willingness to learn from others and from one's own experiences. This open-minded approach can alleviate the pressure of feeling like one must have all the answers, as humble individuals are comfortable with the idea that there is always room for growth and development. Lowering Expectations of Others: Humility often goes hand-in-hand with realistic expectations of oneself and others. This can prevent unnecessary disappointment and frustration when things don't go as planned or when people don't meet unrealistic standards. Enhanced Interpersonal Relationships: Humble folks are generally more understanding and empathetic, which can contribute to healthier and less stressful relationships. The ability to see and appreciate others' perspectives can reduce conflicts and promote a more relaxed social environment. Freedom from Ego-driven Stress: Humility involves letting go of excessive ego and pride. By not being overly concerned with how one is perceived or constantly seeking validation, individuals can experience a sense of freedom from the stress associated with maintaining a certain image. Embracing Uncertainty: Humble individuals are often more comfortable with uncertainty and ambiguity. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the unknown, they can approach life with a sense of curiosity and a willingness to adapt to changing circumstances. Gratitude and Contentment: Humility is often associated with gratitude for what one has and a contented attitude. This gratitude can lead to a more positive and relaxed outlook on life. Humility allows individuals to approach life with a more balanced and realistic perspective, reducing the self-imposed pressures and expectations that can lead to stress and anxiety. It promotes a mindset that values personal growth, learning, and meaningful connections with others over the constant pursuit of external validation or perfection. Practicing mindfulness and being present in the moment can be supported by asking yourself certain questions. Here are some questions that can help you be more present:
The following are particularly good if you have habitually anxious or catastrophic thoughts and feelings (i.e. a chronically dysregulated nervous system):
The next set of questions is for presence in general and can serve as a practice to encourage more of a sense of “being here now centered in your body”:
These questions serve as prompts to redirect your focus to the present moment, strengthening your in-the-moment relationship to mindfulness and a deeper connection with your immediate experience. These questions encourage groundedness and centeredness. Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) is a field of study that explores the interactions between psychological processes, the nervous system, and the immune system. The term is derived from three major components:
In essence, psychoneuroimmunology investigates how the mind and emotions influence the nervous and immune systems and how these interactions impact overall health. Researchers in this field examine the bidirectional communication between the brain and the immune system, studying how stress, emotions, and mental states can affect immune function and vice versa. The findings from psychoneuroimmunology research contribute to our understanding of how mental and emotional well-being can influence physical health and susceptibility to illness. It has implications for fields such as medicine, psychology, and immunology, providing insights into the complex connections between mind and body. What role do fascia and the interstitium play in psychoneuroimmunology? Fascia and the interstitium are connective tissue components in the body that have gained attention in various fields, including psychoneuroimmunology (PNI). While research is ongoing, here are some potential connections between fascia, the interstitium, and psychoneuroimmunology: Communication Pathways: Fascia and the interstitium are involved in communication within the body. They provide a network that allows signals to be transmitted between different tissues and organs. This communication system may play a role in the bidirectional communication observed in PNI, where psychological factors influence the immune and nervous systems. Inflammation and Immune Response: Both fascia and the interstitium are associated with the regulation of inflammation. In PNI, chronic stress or psychological factors can contribute to inflammation, and understanding how fascia and interstitial tissues are involved in immune responses may provide insights into the link between mental states and immune function. Neurotransmitter Release: Fascia contains sensory receptors, and the interstitium has been found to contain nerves. These structures may contribute to the release of neurotransmitters and other signaling molecules. The communication between the nervous system and the immune system, a key aspect of PNI, may involve these tissues. Tension and Stress Response: Fascia is involved in providing structural support and maintaining tension in the body. Chronic stress or psychological tension can affect the fascial system. Understanding how changes in fascial tension relate to stress responses and the subsequent impact on immune function is an area of interest in PNI. It's important to note that while these connections are being explored, understanding the precise roles of fascia and the interstitium in psychoneuroimmunology is still an evolving area of research. The interplay between psychological factors, the nervous system, the immune system, and connective tissues is complex and multifaceted. Finding metanalyses to cite this information directly is not available since this line of research is so new. The following are a few examples of where these conclusions/hypotheses are being drawn. Ball, T. M. (2011). Structural integration-based fascial release efficacy in systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE): Two case studies. Journal of Bodywork and Movement Therapies, 15(2), 217–225. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbmt.2010.10.006 Lupus is an autoimmune disorder. Though this article explores this one disorder, there are many other articles that explore the role of fascia and autoimmune processes. Bordoni B, Zanier E. Clinical and symptomatological reflections: the fascial system. J Multidiscip Healthc. 2014 Sep 18;7:401-11. doi: 10.2147/JMDH.S68308. PMID: 25258540; PMCID: PMC4173815. The Bordoni article talks about mechanical stress and inflammation’s role in interacting with the fascia system. I would argue that psychological stress is the same as mechanical stress because people generally tense and brace against stress. Bracing and tensing happen in the muscles and fascia, adding mechanical stress to the body. Poshattiwar RS, Acharya S, Shukla S, Kumar S. Neurological Manifestations of Connective Tissue Disorders. Cureus. 2023 Oct 16;15(10):e47108. doi: 10.7759/cureus.47108. PMID: 38022020; PMCID: PMC10646945. ^ This is an article that explores the connection between neurological and connective tissue functions, albeit by means of pathology. Gabor Mate, especially his book “When the Body Says No”, is a great resource for a more narrative exploration of PNI and the manifestations of “dis-ease” that result from stress. Exploring the connection between the fascia, psychology, neurological activity, and immunological processes provides an increasingly clear lever for healing trauma, its many challenging health manifestations, and a pathway forward to a sense of well-being in general, trauma or not. Ultimately, this budding research encourages us to keep moving, stretching, breathing, and developing our powers of attention and consciousness.
Here is an article by Robert Schelip on the way that fascia senses. He covers the five major nerve endings (Golgi, Ruffini, Pacini, the muscle spindles, and the interstitial free nerve endings) and how each can be stimulated to cause tissues to release.
He summarizes the takeaways at the end of the article:
Understanding how to relax and release fascia is important for not only healing from trauma but also for optimizing a sense of wellness and wellbeing. Think about a time you felt truly well. What did you feel in your body? People usually talk about feeling relaxed, strong, at ease, connected, and confident. Having a great deal of tension and lack alignment in your tissues can offset a feeling of ease and strength. When you approach trauma healing or even the pursuit of feeling your best, it is wise to consider your fascia because when your fascia is restricted or atrophied, you feel the sensation of that. it becomes a chicken or egg scenario. Are my emotions affecting my tissues or are my tissues affecting my emotions? It's important to take an inclusive view here. As we age we all approach a greater likelihood of chronic illness. Some of us start to experience the breakdown of the body much earlier than that. That does not mean we have to live with "dis-ease," however. For example, I have had chronic nerve pain off and on since age 16. Today I am a little over 6 months postpartum. It's no secret that pregnancy and birth is hard on your body. My nerve pain has been particularly loud lately, so I have my fascia on my mind more than usual these days. My pain comes from misalignment in my tissues. I use a variety of fascia strengthening and releasing techniques along with nervous system regulation exercises. Not only do I experience the realignment of my body as I rehab my system, I also experience waves of emotional release and nervous system discharge. I feel grateful for my education in bodymind regulation because, even though the regulation process can feel uncomfortable sometimes, I understand why I am feeling what I am feeling and can get to a calm, connected, and strong place quickly and reliably without having to cope or to deny my difficult feelings and sensations. Furthermore, fascia focused practices provide a surprising result. Even when I am out of alignment or in pain I still feel able to find that calm, connected, strong energy. I no longer feel that my sense of wellbeing hinges on being pain free or not having an emotion to process. I can stay connected to beauty and meaning no matter what I am experiencing in the moment. How interesting! As I learn to balance and regulate my bodymind, I feel less attachment to having everything sorted out inside. There is more of a sense of space and ease no matter what life throws at me, inside or out. I just found this essay I wrote back in June of 2022. As you explore the inner world of yourself and others, you will see there is a sort of underlying 'first principles' or rules from which our organization emerges.
Give Them Some Oxygen 6/2/2022 Embracing the Hidden Wisdom Within: We all have parts that we don't like and try to smother. Parts that hold emotions that we reject, like anger, hate, weakness, sadness, shame, and wild pleasure. When we smother these parts, we dissect ourselves into arbitrary borders and dub some worthy and others unworthy. We become polarized and lose sight of what is wise about these othered parts. The Cost of Categorization: We do this because we feel those parts are costly. In our attempts to decrease our vulnerability, we become polarized in our thinking. We make some parts “good” and others “bad.” It is the categorization and labeling of these parts that is the origin of all functional mental illnesses. The parts that get smothered don't die, nor do they grow weaker, they instead struggle against their restraints and gag. They pop out sideways, acting out and demanding freedom to enact their wisdom. Reclaiming Wisdom: It's true that the unbridled expression of many of the parts that we reject, we learn to do because their expression was costly at some point. In our time of low understanding and lack of support, we make up stories about these parts so that they can never do the damage that they had done in the past. Ultimately, however, those urges that those parts have are wise in some way. They are pointing to something that we need either from others or from ourselves. As we mature and gain understanding and resources, someday, we can relieve the gag order and give these parts some oxygen. When we give these parts oxygen, it can be really scary. When those parts come, we feel the emotions that come with them. Perhaps there's hate, perhaps there is rage, perhaps there is a kind of blissful Mania that has no place in our home or business. When these parts come in, we feel those feelings we get scared that maybe we'll get stuck there, maybe the power I gained over this part will go away, and I will be overwhelmed by it. So, of course, in the beginning, it's important to do it with support, like Virgil holding Dante's hand in the Underworld. The Alchemy of Self-Discovery: We need someone who knows what they are witnessing to coach us through the intense sensation of the part as well as the intense reaction that we tend to have to that part. And with our hands held in this way, we are able to finally or at least start the process of seeing what this part is all about. And when we finally give this parts some oxygen, we begin to understand. Oh! We can hear the wisdom of what this part holds that we locked away when we locked away the dangerous aspects too. We get the opportunity to sort out that which is useful and that which is costly. In that sorting, this part has the opportunity to alchemize and transform into something updated that we can use now in our present lives. Trusting the Allies Within: We begin to see our parts as a gaggle of children in our charge. Never wanting to smother or deprive any of them but rather to lovingly understand and listen to the fate-altering, mind-blowing information that they have for us. And in so doing, finally, we get to reap the benefits of all parts of ourselves, updated and shown where we are now in our lives. We learned to trust these parts and give them access to the viewing room of our world. And when they see what we have become, they grow up to become whatever it is that we and they need them to be. We stop seeing these parts as enemies and instead see them as allies. We make amends for the misunderstanding and the defamation that we perpetrated on these sweet little beings. |
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AuthorProsopon Therapy Archives
March 2024
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